


The Aftermath of The Mask

by your_typeofmetal



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Ben Solo - Freeform, Ben Solo Fanfiction, Ben Solo Lives, Dirty Talk, F/M, Forbidden Love, Idk what i'm doing, Jedi Ben Solo, Kylo Ren - Freeform, Kylo Ren Redemption, Masturbation, Mutual Pining, Oral Sex, Post - TROS, Reader-Insert, Redeemed Ben Solo, Resistance, Self-Insert, Sex, Slow Burn, Smut, Sneaking Around, Soft Ben Solo, TROS fix it fic, fluff for now but you just wait, quarantine made me do it, reader x Ben Solo - Freeform, y/n x Ben solo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:42:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 78,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23793310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/your_typeofmetal/pseuds/your_typeofmetal
Summary: You're stationed on the planet Ajan Kloss, aiding the Resistance in the fight against the First Order. After the enormous victory on Exegol, the soldiers of the Resistance return to a base that has been rattled with the passing of their General, Leia Organa. But when Rey brings back an injured Kylo Ren claiming to be a saved Ben Solo, the Resistance shifts into two sides. Those who sympathize, and those who are afraid. It's obvious which of the two sides you are on; that is until a drunken late-night conversation with the former Supreme Leader has both of those boundaries melding into one. Ben Solo makes it really hard to hate him sometimes.
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Reader, Ben Solo/Reader, Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Comments: 185
Kudos: 368





	1. The Return

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is my first reader-insert fic, so I hope it's alright! I began writing this just for fun and it blossomed into a full chapter filled fic idea. I'll likely be updating every week or so, this quarantine has given plenty of time for writing. I hope people enjoy! I'd like to thank my girl B, for being the coolest and most helpful friend and beta tester for all my Ben Solo ideas. If anyone reads this, I love any and all feedback. stay safe out there friends!
> 
> chapter 2 will be up next Tuesday!

There was an echoing whirr bouncing off of the trees, the dirt ground underneath your feet rumbling gently, wind from the incoming ship blowing back the loose strands of hair that draped down your face. People began to run toward the landing zone, cheers of joy and laughter almost drowning out the soft landing of an old X-Wing, an unmistakable noise you’d grown used to the last few months of living on Ajan Kloss, aiding the Resistance in their ongoing fight against the dark.

You dropped the book in your hand, leaving it to lie on the large fallen tree trunk you’d been seated on, and joined the growing mass of people, shuffling through the throngs of the crowd as gently as you could. You needed to see her, see that your best friend was alive. The broadcasts from Poe had been wonderful, the attack on Exegol was successful, the Resistance had won; the Final Order commanded by Emperor Palpatine was destroyed. You all had known it would only be a matter of time before someone else like Kylo Ren or Palpatine or Vader would rise, and the Resistance would be needed again. But for now the dark had been defeated, The light had won, and it was time to rejoice in that.

Poe had exited his X-Wing first, running to hug everyone he could with the brightest smile on his stubbled face, his pilot helmet nestled under his arm. You watched from the sidelines as he bellowed a laugh, BB-8 wobbling at his feet with cheerful beeps. You squeezed past a group of Resistance fighters all embraced into a large hug, making your way up to the front of the crowd.

Poe hugged another fellow pilot, making eye contact with you for just a moment over her shoulder; your heart skipping only a beat. Poe was...something. You’d have been lying if you said you didn’t have the slightest, tiniest, miniscule crush on him. Practically every girl on base did, how could you not with that smile and his dallying reputation. Poe considered you a good friend however, and you wondered if that may have only been because your best friend was a right hand lady to him; Lieutenant Kaydel Ko Connix.

You and Poe had brief conversations in the presence of Kaydel, mostly during necessary Resistance meetings Kaydel was nice enough to bring you along to after some lengthy persuasion to, how did you put it? _Learn and observe additional ways to aid your fellow army?_

She knew it was bullshit just as much as you. You’d only really wanted to come along with her to see Poe, watch him talk with his hands as he explained things you didn’t really know much about. You also liked the way he’d pat your shoulder after asking how you were, his top teeth tugging at his bottom lip as he listened to you rant about your day.

Poe was a great person- a great leader. The way he carried himself, his dedication to the Resistance and Leia. Oh, Leia. You’d have given anything to have her be present to witness this victory.

Although you couldn’t know for sure, you’d hoped the Force would have been kind enough to allow Leia to be there right then.

Poe smiled that bright white grin at you when he caught your eye, and you held your arms out to him in the most casual way you muster up. He gripped you tight, your hands held on the back of his pilot jumpsuit. “Welcome home, General.”

He pulled back quicker than you would have liked, patting your shoulder. “Good to be home, Kid.”

Finn and Chewie, along with the Lando Calrissian, (you still couldn't fathom he was here, you’d heard so many stories,) walked into the mass of people, greeting everyone with open arms. Poe gave your shoulder a soft squeeze, his mouth turned into a sweet, lopsided smile, silently excusing himself to meet with his fellow Resistance heroes.

It was then you’d caught a glimpse of her, camouflage poncho and brown braided hair wrapped around her head in a pretty crown. You met her half way, throwing yourself into her arms with a delighted squeal. “Oh Gods! I’m so glad to see you. Are you okay?” You asked, noticing the white bandage wrapped around her right calf.

“Yes,” Kaydel sighed, glancing at her wound. “The medic will have to stitch me up, but I’ll be fine. Have you seen him yet?”

She was referring to Poe, as per usual. She tended to tease about your...inclination toward the General, she knew him better than you did after all. You scoffed, arms still around her frame. “Yes I did, Kaydel. I’m just glad you guys are alright.”

“I’ll have to tell you all about it, it was incredible,” She uttered your name, her head shaking. “I still can’t believe it. Every Resistance member in the galaxy was there, it was like something out of a book.”

You wished you’d had been there, fighting along with your friends. But the wrap along your ankle argued otherwise. While installing a new satellite transmitter on top of one of the tall signal towers that surrounded the Resistance base, you’d lost your footing, knocking your ankle on the hard metal of the tower before landing on the compact dirt. It was your own fault, you were instructed to do the repair with a buddy to spot you, but you were in a rush to meet Kaydel at the mess hall (it was more like a mess tent really,) and did it on your own. Finn got onto you just a little about that.

Luckily you weren't a Kaydel to the Resistance. Or a Finn or a Poe, and certainly not a Rey. In fact, the only reason you even joined the Resistance was because Kaydel was a part of it, and you missed being around your best friend back on your shared home planet of Dulathia. You were a decent shot and somewhat handy given the correct circumstances, but more than anything you’d always felt like just a fan, an Resistance enthusiast. You cheered on your friends, offered support if they needed it and were great at helping Leia keep records.

That was your main job, if you would call it that, at the base on Ajan Kloss. You’d helped Leia with any and all needs, mostly filing records of Resistance fighters and logging ships, keeping track of weapons that needed repair and getting onto your fellow crew members to log any maintenance needed on their X-Wings before take off rather than handling the issues themselves... _Poe_.

Being a Resistance assistant wasn’t what you’d always imagined you’d do with your life, but it was rewarding being a part of history, working under the Leia Organa. That alone was something you were unbelievably proud of. She considered you a friend like she considered everyone else who was a part of this massive organization, and you hadn’t even allowed yourself five minutes to grieve her death.

Kaydel was talking a mile a minute, her words fading out of your focus as she came through the crowd. Rey was like a living portrait, her delicate face and perfectly messy hair buns causing everyone to turn their heads. She was the Resistance hero, the best fighter, pilot, motivator. Rey was the Resistance, and everyone, you included, cheered her on as she walked through.

Finn, Poe and Rey all joined in an embrace in the middle of the crowd. The way they held one another, tears in their eyes and grasping one another's hands; that was maybe your favorite part of being a member of the Resistance; the comradery. You mentally corrected yourself; they were the Resistance.

It was then that suddenly the crowds fell quiet, the cheers and happy cries were hushed down to whispers until all at once, Ajan Kloss was practically silent.

A tall man suddenly emerged into the crowd’s focus, one foot held up off the ground as he hobbled around the back of Rey’s ship, grasping onto it’s frame to steady himself. The crowd watched quietly as he limped forward, tight black pants snug to his legs, a loosely draped, black sweater over his torso and arms.

You grabbed Kaydel’s arm, you too hobling back toward the gathering to get a closer look. To the left, Rey unlocked her arms from around her friends and turned back toward the crowd, a soft smile on her face.

It wasn’t until the stranger fully rounded the ship that you saw him, and your stomach dropped to your boots.

Kylo Ren stood beside the X-Wing, face bloody and tired, shirt ripped and leg dangling above the dirt. Your jaw dropped, your hold on Kaydel’s hand released as you all stood there in disbelief.

Your immediate reaction was to draw your pistol and point it right at him, and it was apparently other’s immediate reactions too, because within seconds, Rey had to run in and stand in front of him with both her arms spread wide, fingertips extended as she yelled. “He’s with me, he’s with me! Don’t shoot!”

Everyone looked around for confirmation from one another, Rey still stood in front of Kylo, her tattered and beaten clothes telling a story without her having to say a word. It was obvious she and Kylo had been through the ringer, the bags under both of their eyes very apparent. Your hand was wrapped around the handle of your blaster and slowly, you returned your arm to hang at your side. Kylo looked around nervously, hands still stuck to the cold metal of the X-Wing for support.

“General,” Rey spoke in Poe and Finn’s direction, both of the men’s sight fixated at the tall man in disbelief. Poe in particular, did not look pleased. “I request a meeting tomorrow morning to discuss the return of Ben Solo.”

_Ben Solo._

You glanced to Poe, his eyes flickering to Finn, then back to Rey. Finn nodded his head once. “Tomorrow morning we meet in the common area. Rey, a word?”

She obliged, nodding once to Kylo as she took a few strides to speak with the Generals.

Not one person took their eyes off of him. If he dared to make any move at all, the docking bay would have turned bright red.

It was a few moments later that Rey returned to stand beside Ren, she stood up straight and took a small inhale. “Tomorrow morning we meet in the common area after breakfast, thank you Generals.”

Kaydel took a deep breath, her hand gripped around your arm. “Come with me to the medic tent?”

For just a second, a trifling flash of time, you’d made direct eye contact with Kylo Ren. Or - Ben. His brown eyes were soft, exhausted. Eyebrows were raised as Rey spoke to him, placing her arm around his waist as she helped him hobble toward the south medic tent. You immediately blinked away, his presence sending an uneasy feeling to the pit of your stomach.

This was _Kylo Ren_. A monster. A _murderer_. How were you supposed to trust him? How were any of you to trust him? You did not agree with Rey’s decision, and sent a long sigh in her direction. Not that it really mattered, you’d spoken a handful of words to her your whole life. None of this felt right, you all were supposed to be rejoicing in the defeat of the First Order, of the Sith. But instead, you found yourself anxious and worried that the man responsible for so many deaths of the people you knew- the only family you knew- was in the very base you slept at. What was to stop him from killing you, your friends, your General’s? Kaydel?

Still, you shot a reassuring smile at your friend, tightening your grip on her arm that was latched to your own. “Yeah, let’s get you fixed up.”

-

Kaydel laid along the medic table, her leg stretched out as one of the medics, Jorey Rhador, carefully stitched up the blaster wound below her knee. He slathered a dollop of bacta gel over the stitches once he was done and wrapped fresh white gauze around her leg, additionally handing her a small bottle of pills. “These will help with the pain, but try not to take them too often.”

She nodded, grabbing her poncho from beside the medic table. “Will do, thank you Sir.”

“Anytime, Lieutenant. May The Force Be With You.” Jorey said, gathering his supplies and heading out of the medic tent in a rush, on to the next patient in need.

Kaydel ran her hand over her forehead before retying her boots. She seemed quiet, much more quiet than usual. You’d known her a long time, long enough to know that if she wasn’t talking, she was thinking about something thoroughly.. You sat up in your chair, your brown scarf causing you to feel hot against the white shirt you wore. “What is it, Kay?”

She took a long breath, lacing her boots; eyes intently drawn on the tattered and brown laces. “Nothing. I just can’t believe she’d bring _him_ back here.”

Him. Kylo Ren. You couldn't believe it either. You’d never personally witnessed it, but you’d heard stories through the Resistance base about all the horrid things Kylo had done, how he’d try to kill your friends and about all of the other awful and horrendous acts he’d attempted. You shrugged your shoulders, the wrap on your right ankle feeling a little loose. You’d re-wrap when you got back to your quarters. “Me either. I’m worried.”

“You should be. It’s Kylo Ren. He’s the reason we got into all of this mess. I don’t know what she’s thinking.”

You stood up, brushing off the dark grey pants that stuck to your legs. “Hopefully tomorrow she can tell us her reasoning. I just hope to the Gods, Rey’s got a tight watch on him.”

Kaydel steadied herself, draping her poncho over her arm. “Poe is probably livid right now, he and Finn would never allow him to be unattended. I wonder how Chewie is doing.”

You thought about Chewie for a second, how hard this must have been on him, and you sighed. Chewie always was so sweet to you, to everyone really. Kylo Ren had killed Han Solo, his father, and poor Chewie witnessed every second of his best friend's death. You couldn’t imagine. The list of things Kylo had done to hurt the ones you cared about was growing larger and larger the longer you thought about it. In the back of your mind your hoped that list ended soon.

-

After sitting in the mess tent with Kaydel and Rose for an hour while stirring your grey sloppy meal that you’d barely ate, you found yourself sitting in your tent, staring up at the green vinyl fabric illuminated by the single lantern that sat on your shakey bedside table. Your tent was nestled into a few trees, the leaves above your head rustling loudly as the wind blew hard. You tossed and turned, pulling your blankets up to your neck as you tried to finish the chapter of your book you’d left off on earlier. It wasn’t a total page turner, Kaydel lent it to you a few days prior to give you something to do while they went to Exegol. You at least wanted to read far enough to tell her how much you liked the book, and give some detail.

The wind knocked the top of your tent, a loud shake every few seconds as it kept rolling. The nights on Ajan Kloss were often chilly and windy. You’d begun to grow irritated at the incessant wind, your book leaving you far from interested, the exciting activities of the day leaving you unable to sleep.

You decided to pull on your jeans and go for a walk through the trees, maybe go back to the mess tent to see if there were any leftovers of grey slop mostly because you were bored. You pulled your arms inside the sleeves of your gray leather jacket, a bright orange Resistant symbol embroidered on the right shoulder and headed out for a stroll, hoping to clear your head a little.

It had been just over a week since your ankle accident on the signal tower, so walking was a little bit easier. As long as you didn’t start to run or hop it felt alright without the use of the crutches the medic had given you. They hurt your underarms and constantly sank into the damp patches of dirt anyways… You walked into the forest, one of your favorite things to do this time of night, and when you got deep enough into the trees you took a seat on the cold dirt, inhaling the clear night sky.

Ajan Kloss was incredible, easily the greenest most lively planet you’d ever seen. The trees had an energy, the creeks loud with peace and hope- the various animals that lived in the forest made it feel really like a home, even in the times that it very much wasn’t. Your cot was uncomfortable and thin, blankets scratchy as you tried to rest. The food was...technically food but didn’t taste like anything other than chunky glue most of the time. Kaydel was often away or in meetings with Leia, now Finn and Poe, leaving you to continue whatever it was that was considered your job.

You wondered what would happen now that the Resistance won. If you would all depart and go off to live your lives, if you’d be out of work and Kaydel would be placed somewhere else to continue hers. You wondered if you’d be able to go with her. What would happen to the rest of them? Finn and Chewie and Rose and Lando and...Poe.

The sound of crunching leaves broke your train of thought, and by instinct you pulled your pistol attached to your hip, throwing your arms out in front of you with a gasp.

Through the darkness of the forest walked out a dark figure, limping on his right leg, he kept a safe distance as he held his hands up, your heart stopping as you realized who the towering figure was.

“Stop right there,” You commanded, pistol vibrating in front of you.

He took another step toward you before halting, his facial features dimmed by the glow of only the moon above you. You’d never really seen Kylo Ren other than earlier in the day, but for some reason you had not imagined him to look like this. He had a pointy nose and dark freckles, he wore a white long sleeve shirt over dark pants, his hair appeared to be damp from a shower, long and waved down to almost his shoulders. On his left ankle was a tan wrap, the limp in his gait making more sense.

“I don’t want any trouble,” He muttered, his voice low and hoarse.

With your pistol still held, you pointed the barrel right at him with trembling hands. “Me either.” You said, swallowing the lump in your throat. “What're _you_ doing out here?”

He relaxed his arms, letting them gently rest at either side of his torso. Even through the dark of the trees, you could see how incredibly large he was. His shoulders were broad, arms practically about to burst out of the shirt he wore, and Gods, he was tall. You began to worry for a moment about being out here alone with him. Cracking you in two would take no more than a snap of his wrist.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” Kylo suddenly mumbled.

Could he hear your thoughts? No, that’s insane...

“I can.” He snickered, taking one step closer. “And I’m not going to hurt you.”

The vulnerability began to cave in, he could hear every thought rolling through your head; you’d always be one step behind him. “That’s funny, coming from you.”

“Care to elaborate, Kid?”

_Kid_.

He’d pulled that from your subconscious too, the word rolling off of his tongue sent a chill down your spine. You took a deep breath, arm beginning to grow tired from being held out in front of you for this long. “Don’t play that game. You’re Kylo Ren. You killed Han Solo, along with countless others...My friends…”

He shrugged, his dark eyes blinking, no further emotion over his face. “I don’t go by that name any longer.”

Right, it was Ben Solo now. “Doesn’t change the fact that you killed all those people. You would have killed Rey too, Kayden and Finn and Poe.”

_“Poe.”_ The words came off of his tongue with a sort of venom that hit you in the gut. He took another step near you, the distance between the two of you becoming uncomfortably close. “You like him. That’s unfortunate for you, I’m afraid he’s got other priorities.”

Your teeth grit. “Shut up. I should shoot you right now, then maybe we could all go to sleep a little easier tonight.”

“Hmm,” Ben hummed, his tongue clicking a foot away from your face. “But you won't. You’ve never fired an actual shot in your life, have you?”

“You never answered my question. Why are you out here?” You changed the subject quickly, your forearm trembling.

He nodded once, long arm extending in front of him. His large hand softly touched the tip of the barrel of your blaster, pushing it down to sit at your side. “Perhaps I would tell you if I wasn’t staring down the barrel of a loaded weapon,”

You allowed him to hold the pistol down to your side for a moment, his body so close you could smell the soap that lingered on his skin, the dry scent of his shirt that still had folded creases along the arms. You looked up at him briefly, his dim eyes staring you down.

Ben took the slightest step backward, his hands tucking into his pants pockets. “Just like you; I couldn’t sleep.”

“Stop reading my thoughts.” You looked away from his gaze and placed your blaster back in the holster that buckled along your thigh.

“What happened to your ankle?” He asked abruptly, one eyebrow raised.

His gaze lingered on your injured leg, and you felt oddly exposed. “W-what happened to yours?”

“Are we going to play this game all night?”

You sighed, linking your arms to fold over your chest, your light linen shirt providing little against the raging wind. “I have to go, I really don’t want to be seen talking to you. “

He scoffed. “And why’s that?”

“For being some Jedi or whatever, you’re very oblivious.”

Ben took another step forward, the distance between you two falling smaller and smaller with every inhale of his massive chest across from your chin. His voice was hushed, gravely as he talked down to you. “You don’t know anything about me, Kid.”

You chewed the inside of your cheek, refusing to make direct eye contact. Instead, you stared at the buttons on his shirt, which felt like an even weirder thing to do. “Everyone here has suffered losses because of you and the First Order. None of us are just going to let that go. Rey bringing you back here was naive on her part.”

“Another thing you know nothing about.”

The both of you fell quiet, a loud gust of air running through the leaves above your head. You cleared your throat, averting your eyes to the ground. “I fell...off of a signal tower while replacing a transmitter. Sprained my ankle.” You whispered, rocking your weight onto your healthy foot. “You?”

Ben blew a breath of air out of his nose, his eyes still locked on you. “I was thrown down a very deep and rocky pit on Exegol by the late Emperor.”

You couldn’t help but scoff just a little. Of _course_ that’s how he’d have gotten injured. “Well...that beats my story.”

You could have swore you’d heard a muted laugh vent from his chest. “I suppose it does.” He took a few steps back then, turning his body toward base camp. “You have a nice evening,”

For some reason, your breath stuck in your throat as you watched him limp toward the lights of base camp in the distance. He didn’t look back at you once, but you watched him the whole way until his large frame disappeared between tree trunks. You ran your hand down your face, a long sigh drawing from your lungs. What the _hell_ just happened?

“Bye,” You said aloud to an empty forest.


	2. Secret Wine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your crush on General Dameron nears a tipping point, while Ben Solo only continues to make you experience the strangest feelings while you two are alone. Things around the Ajan Kloss base are a lot different these days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! here is chapter two of this fun little thing I've been writing. please feel free to let me know your thoughts so far and I hope you enjoy it! 
> 
> Chapter 3 will be posted next Tuesday, May 5th!

CHAPTER TWO

  
  


The following morning, it was less than a minute of consciousness before your late night meeting with Ben Solo played over in your head. That was not how you’d imagined meeting the former Supreme Leader would go. Actually, you never imagined you _ would  _ meet the former Supreme Leader in the first place. Even through the patchy light of the moon in the dimmed forest, there was something about him. Something you couldn’t quite place. You didn't expect him to seem so...domestic? Real? Any word that so much as resembled hints of normality would have fit into that thought. 

Do you dare say that Ben Solo was...charming? 

No. You quickly threw that thought straight out of the imaginary window that sat on the wall of your brain. He most certainly was  _ not  _ charming, whether he was Kylo Ren or Ben Solo or whatever other name he’d like to have been referred to, he was always, and would always, be a murderer. 

You dressed in your usual attire, dark grey pants and a white shirt, throwing a tan colored scarf around your neck instead of your usual dark brown one; it was the little things on base that kept life interesting. You let your hair fall down naturally instead of braiding it, you were already ten minutes late to meeting Kaydel for breakfast. 

When you walked into the mess hall it was busier than usual. All of the surrounding tables were full, slim pickings remained of this morning’s meal along the serving lines. You’d heard your name over the stagnant buzz of voices in the tent, eyes scanning for your friends. Kaydel’s hand stood in the air, waving you down to a table in the far left corner. 

“Good morning!” Kay greeted, patting the seat beside her on the bench. 

She sat with Rose as usual, but this morning Finn and Poe, along with Beaumont, who you didn’t know all that well. You weren’t really up for big conversation today, but when Poe gave you a sweet smile, your nervous energy melted into your heart, trying your best to cover the erratic beating you’d hoped to the Gods no one else could hear. “Good morning guys.”

Kaydel slid a tray filled with food over to you, her mouth full of a green pudding-like substance. “I got you food when I got mine, I knew today would be busy.” 

“Why is that?” You asked, spooning a piece of fruit into your mouth. 

Finn shook his head at you with a laugh. “Rey’s ‘Ben Solo is saved!’ meeting. Remember?”

“Oh, right.” You’d almost forgotten. The last thing you wanted to do was encounter  _ him  _ again. 

“How’s your ankle?” Poe asked you, elbows leaning on the table as he sat across from you. 

He wore a tan quarter-sleeve shirt that he’d left  _ all _ of the front buttons undone, leaving the upper part of his torso very exposed. You did not look...More than once...“Uhm, it’s better. Every day it’s a little easier to get around.” 

Poe smirked, chewing a piece of food at the back of his mouth. “We missed you out there, Kid.” 

Okay, that caused your stomach to flip. “Oh,” You laughed. “Well you guys got on pretty well without me it seems.” 

“Guess we did huh?” 

Your face was getting hotter by the second, undoubtedly red with embarrassment by this point. Kaydel nudged your side with her elbow, a coy smile on her pretty face. Finn said something to Beaumont, causing a laugh from the opposite end of the table. 

“Well you know, only  _ I _ would fall off a 13 foot tower two days before one of the biggest missions the Resistance has ever been a part of.” You joked, another bite of fruit. 

Poe chuckled, his eyes trained on you as he took a sip of his coffee, not leaving your gaze for a few extra seconds. If you hadn’t been vice gripping Kaydel’s hand underneath the table, you would have floated off into the ceiling. Did he  _ know _ what he was doing? Was he doing anything, or was this just Poe’s way of making conversation? Either way, you grinned back at him before tucking your chin down, praying no one was noticing the bright red patches covering your cheeks.

“It’s almost time for the meeting, we should head out there.” Finn said, nudging Poe’s shoulder. 

Poe took one last bite of breakfast before stacking his tray on top of Finn’s, stepping out of the table swiftly. “See you out there in five, guys.” 

“Bye,” You replied, spooning a bite of blue mush into your mouth. 

-

Rey stood in the center of the crowd with her arms folded, awaiting the arrival of the straggling few people to join the meeting. She looked as pretty as ever, wearing a bright white shirt and capri-pants, the wraps along her chest and waist clean as could be. Her hair was perfectly combed, half up half down. Finn and Poe stood on either side of her, talking with one another behind her shoulders. Once Rey felt enough people were in attendance, she cleared her throat and smiled. “Good morning.” 

You all replied to her, wishing her a good morning as well. This reminded you of being in school, attending a lecture about something you didn’t care very much about. You watched with your fist tucked under your chin as Rey began. “As you know, I’ve asked you all here to discuss the return of Ben Solo, formally known as Kylo Ren.” 

The crowd was hush, intently listening as Rey gave detail into how Ben had made it back with her, even going so far to tell everyone how Ben resurrected her after she began to die. You felt a pull at your heart, imagining what that must have been like. Fighting alongside the former Supreme Leader, the both of you willing to  _ die  _ for one another.

That did not sway the crowd, most of them talking under their breath about how dangerous it was that he was here. Speaking of, where was Ben? 

She continued to tell the base that Ben would need time to adjust, along with everyone, and that you all collectively as a  _ family _ should help each other ease into this new stage. You wanted to roll your eyes, as if it was going to be that easy. 

Rey went on to give a brief explanation into what the future held, promising that when Finn and Poe were able, they'd give a detailed plan to where you all would end up. For the time being, the Resistance would stay on Ajan Kloss and continue business as usual until further notice. The Resistance may have won against the First Order, but that didn’t mean the work was done. It was _ far  _ from over, and the main priority now was to allow the wounded to heal, those who lost to mourn, and to pick up the remaining pieces scattered across the galaxy. Everyone had a job, and everyone was still needed. Rey was always good at making everyone feel important, she’d got that from Leia. 

She then gave Finn and Poe the floor, and they explained that a proper mourning ceremony for Leia Organa Solo would be held tomorrow evening, giving everyone a chance to say their goodbyes. 

The meeting concluded shortly thereafter, everyone returning to their normal duties as follows. Kaydel took a long sigh as she stood, stretching her arms high above her head. “I have to do a few things this morning with the Resistance gang, you want to come?” 

“No, it’s alright.” You said. “I should go to Leia’s quarters and pick up some of the record books, log in a little of this craziness.” 

Kay looked confused, normally you’d be jumping to spend extra time with the Resistance  _ gang _ . “Okay, I’ll see you at dinner?” 

You nodded your head, dusting off the back of your pants. “I’ll be there.” 

-

When you entered Leia’s quarters, you were hit with an overwhelming sense of despair. This was the first time you’d been in her living area since she passed, and it felt almost  _ wrong _ to be there. Her living area was rather clean, tucked under a large overhanging rock that acted as a roof with bright green leaves cascading down the walls. To the left was a makeshift work space, books upon books with scattered tools that were rarely used. Near the front of her quarters was a bed, draped in a large white sheet- the clothing Leia wore before she passed into the Force still underneath it. If anyone was going to clean up the living space and put her clothing and personal items away, it was likely going to be Rey. 

“It will be me,” A familiar voice said from behind you. You flipped around as fast as you could. 

Ben stood in the archway of Leia’s quarters, wearing a dark grey shirt and pants, brown-cloth bag hanging from his grasp. Hair as immaculate as ever. 

You sighed, instinctively moving out of his path. “I thought I told you to stay out of my head.” 

“What are you doing in here?” He asked bluntly.

“I was just grabbing some of my books I’d left.” 

“Hmm.” Is all he hummed, making his way to Leia’s bed. He knelt down, knees sinking into the dirt. 

You’d almost forgotten; Leia was his  _ mother _ . You immediately felt like an intruder and gathered your belongings fast. 

“You don’t have to leave.” 

You stood frozen, arms clung to your stack of books pressed against your chest. “What?” You asked, your back faced at him. 

“I said you don’t have to leave. You can stay if you’d like.” Ben said, in the most gentle tone you’d heard from his mouth yet. 

“Uhm...this seems very personal.” You didn’t want to be rude to him right this second. Even though he was evil and horrible and cruel, he  _ was _ sitting beside his dead mother’s final resting place. 

He didn’t say anything in response, but you watched him place his hand on top of the white sheet, his eyes closed. You allowed yourself five seconds to look him over while he couldn’t see your wandering eyes. His face was soft, jaw sculpted sharply and his hair was dark black, flowing in thick waves down the sides of his face. He was huge, even sitting on the ground he looked massive with his shoulders stretching for miles. You took a breath and walked a few steps closer to stand at the foot of Leia’s bed. 

“I’m very sorry about your mother,” You said softly. “We all truly loved her.” 

His eyes remained closed, chest inhaling stagnant and even breaths. “Thank you.” 

You rocked on your good foot for a second before turning to leave, wanting to get out of this room as fast as possible. 

“What’s your name?” Ben asked suddenly, and you halted.

It felt too personal to share your name with him for whatever reason. Again, you tried to not come off like a total bitch right this moment. You muttered your first name only, body half turned to leave. 

Ben nodded. “You knew my mother well?” 

“Not as well as many others. Leia and Rey were very close. I just do the paperwork,” 

He let out a breath through his nose, his side profile was difficult to look away from. “I’m sure you offer much more than only paperwork.” 

You shrugged your shoulders, pushing the books against your chest up to avoid them falling. “I really don’t,” 

“I don’t believe that,” Ben didn’t bother to even look at you, his eyes still fixated on the white sheet in front of him. “Neither did my mother. And neither should you.” 

Was...was that a compliment? Your mouth was suddenly so dry. “Well thank you.” The room was still very heavy, your presence making for awkward conversation that was becoming suffocating. With the most genuine smile you could muster up, you nodded at him and without another word, trudged out of Leia’s quarters. 

The walk back to your tent was quick as you speed-walked in a flurry, avoiding any and all eye contact with anyone. Ben Solo was proving to make you experience the strangest emotions. Just being in his presence was enough to make your chest hurt. You wanted to hate him just like everybody else, but he was making that more and more difficult with every moment you were alone together. 

Thankfully, you managed to spend the remainder of the day in your own quarters, head buried in books as you jotted down various notes about the last few days. It felt a little funny to be writing a Resistance type history book, but someone had to do it, and you felt if no one else on base was thinking about the future generations of children reading about this incredible time in history, why not it be you? 

You'd been so lost in text you’d barely noticed when the door of your tent pulled open, a head with dark hair peeking in. “Hey,” 

You jumped only a little, your heart sent into a full frenzy when you saw it was Poe, stubbled cheeks grinning. “Oh, hey.” You tried to sound casual, voice about to break. 

“Can I come in?” 

Oh  _ shit. _ You pushed your books aside, nodding at him to enter. 

Thank Gods you put your dirty laundry in a bag earlier instead of leaving it lying across the floor. The lantern beside your table flickered, the flame flinching with a gust of air. Poe stepped inside, opting to lean against the flimsy tent wall. “You didn’t come with Kay today, I wanted to check in and see if you were alright.” 

Poe’s closeness was sending your brain spinning. He stood only a foot away from you, your tent barely fit one person comfortably, let alone two. “I’m fine, I just needed to get some logging done. Hey, did you fill out the repair order request for your X-Wing?” 

He nodded, hands in his jacket pockets. “I’ll do it tonight, pinky promise.” 

“No rush, I just know tomorrow Avex will ask me about it.” 

Avex was the lead X-Wing engineer on base, and he always got onto you if any ships were not submitted in a timely manner. Poe tended to like to fix any issues with his X-Wing’s by himself, another thing Avex disliked. 

Poe snickered. “Yeah, Avex likes to nag you.” 

“His nagging is almost always about  _ you _ Mr. Dameron.” You teased. 

Poe rose a brow, lifting his chin in a snicker. “My apologies.” He took a stride forward, and your head was then inches away from his shiny belt buckle that flashed in front of your face as you sat on the edge of your bed, Poe glaring down at you. “Wouldn't want you getting in trouble because of me.” 

Your cheeks flushed bright pink, his eyes glazed over as he examined you from above. His shirt was still unbuttoned, tan skin underneath it so close. Your vision grew blurry the longer you stared at him, the look on his face read he was enjoying your gawking. He smiled, letting out a hushed laugh before kneeling down in front of you, your eyes now level. You hoped there wasn’t drool dangling from your lips. 

“I like your hair down.” Poe said. 

The blood rushed to your face, the warmth that flashed down your legs growing hotter the more he kept talking. Why was he doing this to you? 

You managed to swallow the accumulating spit in your mouth before speaking. “Y-you do?” 

He blinked a few times, eyes wandering across your face and hair. “Yes.” 

Then there was a chime from Poe’s jacket pocket, his data pad lighting up the dark of the tent. He held his gaze on you for a second before retrieving his communication device and holding it up to his ear. “This is Poe.”

You sat there motionless, completely in shock at how close the General was. As he spoke to the person on the other line, you watched his jaw move, gray and dark black hair dotted over his cheeks and lips, matching the hair on his head that was messily ruffled into perfection. He glanced at you as he replied to his call, a lopsided grin that showed his flashy teeth. 

“Got it,” He said. “Be there in five.” 

Poe hung up the data pad, placing it back into his pocket. “I’m needed in the docking bay.” 

You couldn’t tell if you were elated or disappointed. 

“O-okay.” You sheepishly smiled.

He rose from kneeling, and without further warning, Poe placed the knuckle of his index finger under your chin, angling your head to look up at him with gentle pressure. “I’ll catch you later, Kid.” 

You didn’t have time to process what had just happened before he was out the door, the flap of the tent still swinging in his wake.

It had to have been something in the air, the newfound joy that taking down the First Order brought, the high of winning the biggest war in the galaxy, because before Exegol, Poe never came off like this. He was always so... _ vanilla _ . This however, felt different, the chill down your spine came from the hoarseness in his throat, his glazed eyes staring down at you. The smell of his jacket. His body language was making your skin tingle; you needed to calm down. 

You reached under your bed and rummaged through some excess bags and clothing you’d stored there until you found your cantina. You needed a walk, and knew just where to clear your head. 

-

The creek was a common spot for you at sunset. The trees parted in one particular spot, and if you sat on the grass in just the right position, you’d get a perfect view of the setting sun as it dove behind the mountains. Sometimes when being social was getting to be too much, you’d bring a book along with your dinner and relax beside the flowing water for hours. Not many people came this far from camp, so most times you were alone; just how you liked it. Just what you needed right now.

You dropped your bag on the grass when you found the spot to see the sun, unpacking the blanket and cantina of wine you’d kept hidden under your mattress. Drinking on the Resistance Base was reserved for special events only, coming by alcohol on Ajan Kloss was rare; it was only brought in by ship if a pilot was willing to haul it back, which didn’t happen often. 

But a few weeks prior, Poe wanted to have a get together to ‘improve morale.’ He and Finn were gone a whole day after clearing it with Leia, and when they came back Poe revealed that he’d stowed a barrel full of an aged wine in one of the storage containers on the Falcon. Needless to say, the get together was a success and most everyone (Kaydel…) got black out drunk. It was fun though, a lot of fun, and something you didn’t do as often as you’d have liked. Being a part of the Resistance tended to put the more extracurricular parts of life on the back burner. 

So, when Kaydel was throwing up in a ditch with Rose holding her hair, you had filled one of your water containers with wine to sip on every so often. It was about half gone by now, rationing it was harder than anticipated. 

You unlaced your boots and took a seat on top of the blanket, stretching out your legs as you opened your cantina, bare feet exposed to the cool breeze. The wrap that tightly clung to your ankle felt so much less constricting when it wasn't tucked under leather. The sun wasn’t going to set for another twenty minutes, but you wanted some extra alone time to process all of the insanity you were currently in the middle of. 

The trees swayed in the dull wind, animals far off in the distance cooed and chirped. You were only a fifteen minute walk from camp, but even this far out provided such a silence. No ships taking off or landing, no humming of conversations or buzzes from the control towers. Just nature, and it was always a great reminder of how much you needed a break sometimes. 

The silence was great, for the whole two minutes you were granted it. Footsteps crunched out of the surrounding trees moments later, and without even having to look, you knew who it was. His presence was sharp. 

“Is this your secret hideaway?” You heard him say as he came closer. 

“It was, apparently it’s not a secret anymore.” You sneered back, taking another drink. 

Ben hobbled over to stand in front of you, his ankle still clearly bothering him. Why would he walk fifteen minutes off base with a twisted ankle? 

“Because I saw you wander off and wanted to know where you got the wine.” 

Ugh. “How many times do I have to ask you to stay the hell out of my thoughts?!” 

Ben put one hand up. “Sorry.” He titled his head down at you. “May I have a seat?” 

You wanted to say no, but the way his tall frame looked against the background of the sunset, and quite possibly the fact he was in mourning, you allowed it. After Leia’s ceremony tomorrow, you’d stop feeling sorry for him. “Not very smart to say no to you, is it?” 

“Never.” He grinned. 

Ben took a seat beside you on the blanket, bringing his knees close to his chest and resting an arm on his legs. “Since you aren’t saying no to me, I’m going to take a sip of that.” 

He reached over you and took the cantina, bringing the rim right up to his lips (that you never really noticed were so pouty and pink,) and took a long drink, clicking his tongue after he swallowed. Ben placed the cantina in the free space between the both of you. 

You sighed, trying to focus on the sky instead of him. 

“Where are you from?” 

Eye roll. “Again, you’re a damn Jedi, pretty sure you know things about me that I don’t even know.” 

“If I’m not mistaken, you told me to stop reading your thoughts. So, you’re going to have to tell them to me instead.” 

Your eyebrows scrunched together, you still weren’t ready to look at him. “What if I don’t  _ want  _ to tell you anything?” 

He shrugged out of the corner of your vision. “I suppose I could make you, but I’d like it if you spoke to me willingly.” 

“W-why?” You stuttered, becoming frustrated with his games. “You literally are one of the most powerful people in the galaxy. You  _ ruled  _ the fucking First Order, why do you have to be friends with me?” 

"Oh, someone has a mouth.” He slurred, and for some reason your stomach twisted.

You continued to stare at the sky growing darker, fearing he’d read your mind and see how peculiar he was making you feel. 

Ben sighed beside you, another sip of the alcohol. “I don’t have to do anything. But thank you for the compliment, Kid.”

“It wasn’t one.” 

He chuckled, stretching one long leg out in front of him. “Right- you and the General,” 

“There isn’t a me and anyone!” You shouted. “Certainly not a me and Poe. What is your fascination with him?” Your memory flashed to just an hour ago, Poe’s hand under your chin and a hint of  _ something  _ in his eye. 

“I could ask  _ you  _ that very question.” Ben retorted. 

Oh dear Gods. You finally decided to turn to look at him, your jaw locked tight as you hit his brown eyes with your own. He was wearing that loose, white linen shirt; his collarbone exposed as the shirt’s large collar slid off toward his shoulder. His hair was perfect as usual, face soft. He looked...different. You didn’t reply to him, instead you took your cantina back and took a large swig. 

Ben’s eye contact was jarring, the flecks of gold in his irises shaking you to the bone. He watched you drink, a minute grin pulled up on the side of his mouth. You didn’t look away from him, wishing it was  _ you _ who could read thoughts instead. You couldn’t figure out what he was trying to do. The cantina sounded a clink as you sat it back on the ground. 

Whether it was the drink alone, or Ben’s strange effect on you, you didn't know; but you’d already begun to feel lighter, your head rolling slowly. 

“Dulathia.” You spoke softly. “I was born on Dulathia. And I don’t have a fascination with Poe. I just...like him. He’s sweet and smart and caring. He works really hard, none of it for profit.” You admitted. Wait- why were you telling him that?

Ben rose a brow. “Strange, all of what you just listed is everything I used to hate.” He slurred, opting to take another sip, he watched the sky turn pink. 

You drank right after him, not wanting him to drink the whole damn thing by himself. “I answered your questions, which neither were any of your business, so answer mine.” 

Ben nodded. “What do you want to know?” 

“Why the Sith? Why did you turn away from the light?” You blurted out, not caring if the question made him uncomfortable. 

He looked as if he was lost in thought, thinking about the right way to answer the question. It took him so long to respond that you began to wonder if you shouldn’t have asked that. But Ben shook his head at you, his abilities still clearly listening to your train of thought. “I didn’t want to in the beginning.” He started, turning his body to face you. “I was...convinced of things that were not true by a higher power. They led me to believe a life of lies. I was impressionable enough to allow it.” 

That answer stalled you, not expecting that much honesty. “You didn’t want to?” 

“No. I’m not proud of it,” He admitted, and his eyes were  _ so _ clear you had to mentally remind yourself to continue listening to him. “I’ll never be how I was before the darkness. I’m trying my best to get as close as I can.” 

It was then his expression shifted, the look in his eyes melted into something else, something that was so unknown to you that you felt your stomach flip. Against the pretty pink glow of the sky, he looked kind of…

“In the two days I’ve been here, you’re the only person besides Rey who has said more than five words to me.” Ben spoke so tenderly, snapping you out of your trance. “I enjoy being in your presence.” 

You? Ben  _ liked  _ to be around  _ you _ . Your brain couldn't keep up. 

“Ben,” Saying his name aloud felt nice. He seemed to like to hear it too, his body language softening. “Like I said, you can’t expect everyone to forgive you. You might not be Kylo anymore, but people don’t see that. To them, you’re scary. People do weird things when they’re afraid.” 

He looked away off to the sunset, light casting shadows across his strong profile. 

“You know, when you’re not approaching me in a dark forest, your presence isn’t completely awful either.... I think I’d like to be friends with Ben Solo.” 

He smiled a real, authentic smile and your heart fluttered. “Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome.” 

The sun began to dive behind the tops of the trees, the pink glow melding into a dark purple, then to dark blue. You both watched the sunset in quiet, passing the cantina back and forth until it was empty. You laughed when you shook the container, the last few remaining drops of alcohol bouncing off of the insulated walls. “Shit,” 

"What is it?” 

You tossed the container in front of you both, it rattled off a clank. “That was all I had left.” 

Ben scoffed, his head angling toward the sky. “This is the best I’ve felt in a while.” 

You tilted your head at him, enchanted by the smooth sound of his brash voice. “Drunk?” 

“No,” He laughed, and left it at that. 

Part of you, a small part peeking through the shield of wine, wondered why you were still here. Why you were currently seated very close to Ben Solo, head fuzzy and light, staring up at the now darkening sky. 

You thought about what Kaydel was doing right now. Oh  _ no.  _ You were supposed to meet her for dinner. She was probably looking all over for you.  _ Shit. _

“Ben I h-have to go,” You sat up and gathered your boots.

He looked up at you in confusion. “Kaydel?” 

“Yes, I was supposed to meet her for dinner,” 

You stood up a little too fast, losing your balance and having to catch yourself on your bad foot with a wince. “Ow.” 

“Easy, Kid.” Ben stood, holding your elbow ever so gently. 

His touch ignited a warm flurry in your stomach, and he smiled down at you. “Let me walk you back,” 

For whatever reason, you wanted nothing more than in that moment to spend any given extra time with him. But you knew it wasn’t smart, and it almost hurt to deny him. “N-no I’m fine.” You argued, vision grainy. “Really.” 

Ben took a step back, hand still feather light on your arm. “You still don’t want to be seen with me,” 

Damnit. “No Ben, I just-” 

“Don’t want Poe to see.” He finished your thought for you. 

That stopped you. He wasn’t right, but he wasn’t wrong either. You sighed, annoyed and tired; trying to remind yourself of the comforting conversation you two had just shared. 

“Ben-”

“It’s fine.” 

“I don’t mean it like that.” 

He muttered your name and his hand retreated from your elbow back to his own side. The loss of Ben’s touch left you feeling strangely idle. “Let’s get back. I’ll walk to my tent before the trees open, no one will see you with me.” 

You sighed, packing up your cantina and blanket into your bag, slinging on your back as you walked beside Ben. Neither of you said anything the entire way back, your shoulders brushing every so often, sometimes on purpose just to remind yourself that he was there. The leaves and twigs under your shoes the only sound between the both of you. You felt immensely guilty, and you thought about it the whole way back, hoping he’d read your thoughts to know that  _ that  _ was  _ not  _ how you meant it. But...what if it was? Your brain was running a mile a minute, and you couldn't have gotten back to base camp quicker. 

“Goodnight.” Ben said, turning left toward the side of the base where he resided. 

You let him walk, an awful feeling in the pit of your stomach as he disappeared through the trees.

You’d hoped saying goodbye to him like this in a dark forest wouldn’t become a habit. 


	3. Let Me Guess, Dameron?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Ben agree to keep your friendship under the radar, while Poe makes a move that leaves you unexpectedly bewildered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!! thank you so much for reading, I've gotten a lot of positive feedback about this fun little thing I've embarked on and it makes me so happy and excited for everything to come!! I hope everyone enjoys this chapter, and I promise next chapter will have much more Ben ;) <3

CHAPTER THREE 

  
  
  
You awoke ten minutes before the alarm on your data pad went off, yet again another irksome headache knocking against your skull the moment your eyes opened to the harsh sunlight the tent was leaking inside. The clock on your data pad read 8AM, two hours before Leia’s ceremony, and you debated sleeping in an extra hour in hopes the headache would ease. But then you remembered Ben’s face last night, and you quickly decided to give up on that idea. 

Why was he making you feel like this? Just a few days prior, you  _ despised _ Ben Solo. But now here you were, spending an unnecessary amount of time thinking about him as you brushed your hair and pulled on your boots. Thinking about his pretty hazel eyes and freckled skin, the sound of his voice after a few drinks. Mostly though, you pondered about the way he looked at you. His gaze soft, coy smirk pulled up on his cheek. When there was a gorgeous setting sun against a stunning mountain backdrop directly in front of him; Ben was still looking at you. 

Then you’d remember him hobbling away, hands in his pockets with his head hung low and you wanted to hit yourself in the damn jaw. 

When you’d found Kaydel after your sunset watch with Ben, she was already waiting in your tent, chatting on her data pad with her family back home. She then bombarded you with questions, saying she’d tried calling you multiple times and no one had seen you for a while. After checking your own data pad, you’d seen all of those missed calls and messages that you hadn’t even heard go off. You were a bit preoccupied. Still, you explained to her you just needed some time alone, you left out everything about Poe and absolutely didn't tell her about Ben...

As you pulled on your Resistance jacket, you wondered if Ben would be in attendance today. He’d have to be, right? Maybe he wouldn’t want to be around the entire Resistance base just yet. Perhaps he’d already done his mourning, why would he need to publicly declare it?

Even so, there was a tug in the center of your chest that was attempting to drag you toward the left side of the base camp. You wanted to have a chance to speak with Ben in private, without the entirety of the base as an audience and Kaydel’s wandering eyes. She would have flipped her shit if she found out who you’d spent your evening with...

You wanted to at the very least apologize to Ben for acting like a dick, he deserved that much. So, you dusted off the front of your shirt and headed off toward the opposing side of the base in hopes you’d run into him. 

The left housing area of the base was a lot like the right side, the mess tent nestled in the middle. The right side where you and most of your friends were placed was directly off the docking bay, so it was normally loud and busy with bodies. The left side of the base was quieter, more mellow. Even the soft steps you took as you walked through the living area seemed loud. The tents were spread out about every fifteen feet, except for one; In the farthest area of the camp was a tent, much further away from others, the tent’s opening held up by a clip. 

You tread with light feet to the lonesome looking tent and stood outside for a moment. As you stood there debating what you were going to say to him, you rocked on your heels, wondering if soon you’d be able to take the dumb wrap off of your ankle. The medic said two weeks minimum, but being patient wasn’t much of your strong suit. You took a breath and cleared the nervousness from your throat. “Uhm...Excuse me?” 

There was a shuffling inside, followed by a clank as something dropped, then out stuck Ben Solo’s head, his long black hair a disaster. “Hey, Kid.” 

“Hi.” You greeted, hoping your elated emotions were not as loud as they felt. 

“Are you okay?” 

You furrowed a brow at how soft that came out of him. “Uhm, yes. I just wanted to catch you before the ceremony. Are you free?” 

Ben glanced around the area briefly before nodding his head toward inside. When you walked in, his bedside lantern was lit, leaving the tent bright and revealing that he was without a shirt, buckling a black leather belt through the loops in his pants. His skin was pale and smooth, scabbed over gashes and scrapes were splattered along his chest and arms, muscles very much defined underneath. An oval shaped scar two inches in diameter, lay on his stomach just below his ribs; and for the briefest moment, you wondered about how he’d received it. You tried to seem casual. 

Most of the Resistance provided tents were the same, you were given a single cot with a flimsy side table and one lantern. You’d never seen it, but you’d have bet Rey didn’t have this little of comfortability. Still, you tried to make it feel a little more homey buy picking the native flowers for decor, amongst other things. Ajan Kloss provided little interior design options. Ben’s tent however, was as simple as it could get. A single bed in the corner pushed against a wall with one green blanket and pillow, and his side table held a wrist watch. His boots lay by the entrance, along with a black leather jacket you’d never seen him in. You smiled at him as you stood there, taking the area in. “So,” You began, hands in your jacket pockets. “Ben,” 

He blinked at you. “Yes?” 

Apologizing surely wasn't easy for anybody, but you found it especially difficult to piece together the correct words as he watched you, buckling the watch round his wrist. “Well I... wanted to apologize to you...about last night.” 

Ben rose a brow, angling his soft face up. “There is nothing to apologize for.” 

“There is, actually.” You said. Why was this so hard? “I shouldn’t have been so rude…and I’m sorry.” 

Ben’s eyes trailed up and down your figure as he considered your apology. He unfolded a black sweater, his eye contact stagnant as he threw it over his head. He didn’t look away once, and the anticipation was beginning to eat away at you. 

“I told you,” He finally said in a kind tone, reaching for his shoes at the foot of his bed. “It’s fine, you don’t need to worry about it.” 

Without even asking, you took a leap and strode to his cot, taking a seat beside him so close that your knees touched. Ben’s forehead creased, and your heart convulsed. “I am going to worry about it, worrying is like, my superpower. And I feel really bad about being so mean to you when you’ve only been nice.” 

“I’m still getting accustomed to this ‘being nice’ thing.” He joked, the smallest hint of a grin on his mouth. 

“You’re already better at it than me.” 

Ben’s lips twitched. “That’s likely true about a lot of things.” 

You raised your eyebrows, that was probably true. In the security and secrecy of his tent, you felt you could be slightly more open to him. There was no denying the blossoming affection that was growing inside of your rib cage directed at Ben Solo. You couldn’t quite make it out, all you knew was that it was in the ease of his voice, the glint in his eye as he spoke; the way his top teeth brushed against his bottom lip when he got to talking too fast. You liked the way he made you feel; like you were important to him. 

Ben smiled at you, nudging your leg with his elbow. Oh no, did he hear that? Ugh.

“So,” You wanted to change the subject as fast as lightspeed. “Do you want to sit together at Leia’s ceremony?” You asked, feeling a bit like a child. 

Ben considered you, hand on his thigh with his body turned your direction. His hair was a complete mess, sticking up in the back and frizzed. Still somehow he made it look purposeful. “No.” 

“ _ No? _ ” You retorted, confused. 

He chuckled. “Calm down. I agree with you, I think it’s best I not be seen around you for the time being. We wouldn’t want anyone getting the wrong idea,” 

_ What  _ wrong idea? “Oh...right” You nodded, acting as if you had the slightest bit of knowledge as to what he meant by that. “I’m okay with that as long as you are.” 

“Great.” 

“Great.” You mimicked. “Well, I guess I’ll see you out there.” 

Ben stood from his seat on the bed and held a hand out to you. You stared at it for a moment, admiring the faint lines that made up his palm, the rough and calloused skin that was the hand of  _ death  _ at some points. An image of him as Kylo Ren flashed before you, a masked man you’d never met, wielding a  _ lightsaber _ effortlessly tearing through enemies. 

Then you pushed those thoughts away, knowing he could hear you thinking them and instantly felt regret. Ben’s hand slowly began to lower away from you, and you snatched it back toward you, maybe a little too eagerly, fingers curling around his knuckles. Your hand looked like a child’s inside of his, and you scoffed at the sight as he helped you stand. 

“What?” He asked, hand still in yours. 

“Nothing... I just thought it was funny how small my hand looks compared to yours.” 

Ben snickered, squeezing your palm only merely. “Well, you know what they say about big hands,” 

He looked at you, eyebrows raised as you waited for him to finish _ that _ sentence. Ben shook his head, a daring glare in his irises. “Big gloves.” 

You had to laugh just to shake off the nerves. “I’ll see you there, Ben.” 

“See you, Kid.” 

-

Leia’s ceremony was halfway through when you finally allowed the tears welling in the corners of your eyes to fall. You were not the only one, the entire base was covered in a blanket of sorrow as others volunteered to share stories about their time with Leia. By far, Lando’s was the most intriguing, for obvious reasons. You’d imagined what it would have been like to know Leia during the war against Vader; by the way Lando spoke of her, she lived up to her hype. 

On the other side of the crowd beside Rey and Chewie, Ben sat with his arms folded over his chest, eyes glued to the dirt. All of the other’s heads were focused on Poe, who stood at the front of the crowd with one hand in his pocket while the other ruffled the back of his head. “Uhm, hey everybody.” 

You caught Poe’s eye as he scanned the gathering of the Resistance and gave him one of those half lined smiles. He then glanced to Ben and Rey, quickly retorting his vision. “I believe it’s fair to say that Leia was like everyone’s mother.” 

You looked to Ben, who seemed rather lost in thought. C-3PO along with R2, D-O and BB-8 all stood beside one another to the left of the crowd, a small droid gathering. BB-8 wobbled, looking to R2 whose head swiveled as a beep came out of him. C-3PO shooshed him, golden hand raised to where his mouth would be. “Quiet!” 

You smiled, taking a mental note of how much you enjoyed being around this band of droids. Wherever you ended up at the end of all of this, you’d miss them. 

Poe continued without skipping a beat. “She was, is, the backbone of the Resistance. Without her, none of us would be standing here right now. Leia kept us going when all hope was lost, when all we wanted to do was rest, she urged us forward, knowing that when the time was right, we’d have the opportunity, and that the fight came first.” 

Rey then placed a hand on Ben’s back, igniting a strange coldness in your gut stemmed from her touch. You’d hadn’t really put those two pieces together, but it oddly was beginning to make somewhat of sense. Rey was beyond beautiful, strong, many things you considered that you were not. Many things that Ben also identified with. They were a dyad in the Force, two that were always meant to be one. But Ben was your  _ friend _ . Reminding yourself of that, you returned your gaze back to Poe and decided to not look in their direction for the remainder of the meeting.

“We will never be done, the Resistance may have won for now, but our work continues forever. For the galaxy...For Leia.” Poe finished his speech with the slightest hint of tears in his eyes. 

“For Leia.” You sang back in tune with the rest of the crowd. 

Rey then rose to speak, her long fingers gliding off of Ben’s shoulder elegantly. Her bright white clothes stood out against the green of Ajan Kloss, a vivid smile on her face as she spoke about her experience training with Leia as her Master. A lightsaber that appeared to be crafted from her old quarter-staff, hung from her leather belt against her thigh. You admired Rey quite a bit, as everyone did- it was hard not to. She was a true Jedi, in every sense of the word. 

“For Leia!” Rey repeated after concluding her piece, and the crowd cheered back. 

Finn spoke next, short and sweet, followed by a roar from Chewie. You’d debated speaking, but felt it better to keep you and Leia’s memories to yourself. There were plenty of stories already told, much more lively and engaging than your experiences reading over paperwork and ship logs with the former General. All that mattered was that you, along with the entirety of the Resistance, agreed to never let Leia’s memory fall short. She was, and would always be a part of every single being on the base, and her legacy would never end there. 

The ceremony ended with another cheer, tears and smiles all across the gathering began to dissipate. It was only an hour after noon, but following such a heavy meeting it seemed everyone was eager to spend the rest of their day relaxing. You grasped Kaydel’s hand, helping her up from her seat. “Phew...That was a lot.” She sighed. 

You ran your hand over your damp eyelashes. “It was, I think we all needed it though.” 

Your eyes darted for a quick glance of Ben, but he was already gone. 

Kaydel nodded, the two buns at the sides of her head bouncing. Rose appeared behind Kay’s shoulder then, her cheeks pink and a nice grin on her face. “So, what are you girls doing today?” 

Kay shrugged. “Nothing yet, since Poe doesn’t need me for the rest of the day. I’m going to get some lunch and probably go back to sleep!” 

Sleep sounded pretty great right about now, but you still had work to do before nightfall. Maybe you’d get to bed a little earlier tonight, after the headache still pulsing behind your eyesockets decided to fuck off. “I have to head down to the docking bay and meet with Avex, there’s a couple of Wings that still need repair orders...Hopefully Poe submitted his.” You said, wondering if Poe did it  _ at all _ . 

“Well, I was thinking we could have a girls night!” Rose chirped. “We could bring dinner back to your tent, or mine maybe…” 

You grinned back. Rose was great, she and Kaydel had grown very close in recent weeks. You didn't know her as well, but you were gladly willing to. She was always so happy and it was hard for that not to rub off on people. “Yeah, I’m down. Kay?” 

“Yes! Please tell me you still have that container of wine!” Kaydel shouted a little too loud. 

Your heart spasmed in panic. “How did you know about that?” 

“When I borrowed that belt a few weeks ago? You said it was under your cot,” Kay chuckled, red cheeks rising with a smile. “Duh.” 

“Oh,” You sighed. Thank the Gods. “I’m going to get this meeting with Avex over with, I’ll catch you guys later.” 

“Oh boy! Have fun with that.” Rose laughed. If only she knew half of it...

“You know it.” You replied. 

Rose pointed a finger. “But everyone at my tent at 7! Deal?” 

“Yes ma’am!” Kaydel cheered back, already beginning to limp away. 

You jogged to her side, wrapping a hand around her waist. “Bye, Rose!”

-

It was close to three hours later that you’d mustered up enough motivation to walk down to the docking bay. The docking bay wasn’t really much of a ‘docking bay’; a common occurance on Ajan Kloss. A lot of the Resistance’s resources were scattered around the jungle planet, there simply wasn’t enough room to park all of the ships in one designated spot. But the docking bay you were familiar with was able to house about twenty ships, mostly X-Wing Starfighters, but the Millenium Falcon also hung out in the area from time to time. The hunk of junk sat to the far left, most other ships tended to keep their distance. To the right was Avex’s workspace, cluttered as ever. 

You waved him down as you walked over, data pad in hand. “Avex!” 

He turned on his heels with a data pad up to his ear. He held one long finger out in front of him as to shush you, and you groaned. Avex was a busy bee, he was always working, and you rarely saw him do anything else. In fact, you couldn't remember ever seeing him any other place  _ besides _ the docking bay. He was a shorter fellow, light blonde hair and tanned skin against green eyes. He wasn’t very friendly. 

Avex spoke on the phone a bit longer, your patience growing thin. You waved your hand at him, trying to communicate you were in a hurry. Obviously you  _ weren't  _ but spending any additional amount of time in Avex’s presence wasn’t on your list of favorite mid-day activities. He held up another finger, and you mentally noted if he did that  _ one more time _ you were going to break all ten of his. 

After another minute, he finally ended his conversation and tossed the data pad onto the desk beside him with a sigh. “I got those repair requests last night, all except for one.” 

Ugh. “Let me guess, Dameron?” 

Avex nodded. “You have to get onto him, he puts me behind schedule every time.” 

“Avex, you seem to be forgetting he’s your General, and I asked him about it yesterday and he said he was going to.” 

He groaned, your name leaving his lips. “General or not, he’s shit at following protocol.” 

You shrugged. Arguing with Avex was exhausting enough without your eyes tired and sore from crying. “Sorry.” What else was he expecting you to say? “Can you just send me the receipt for-” 

“Not until I get Poe’s request.” He cut you off, barely acknowledging your eye contact. Gods help you...

“Seriously,” You slammed your data pad into your thigh, your nostrils flaring. “Avex, come on these orders have to be sent in by midnight or else I get docked.”

“Out of 12 Starfighters, Dameron’s is the only one I don’t have a request for. General or not, he needs to have his ship inspected to the safety guidelines,” Avex spat, you could have swore an eye roll was in there somewhere. 

“Why does it matter if  _ you  _ repair the issue or Poe? He’s plenty qualified.” 

“Actually, he isn’t. It’s my job, just like how you want to do yours correctly, I do as well. Just get him to submit it and I’ll sign off, until then I’m sorry I can’t help you.” 

“For fuck’s sake,” You huffed. “Fine.” 

You trudged back through base, your jaw locked as you searched for Poe. Avex was unique in how he always managed to get under your skin, no matter what the reasoning. It was as if he enjoyed the aggravated look on your face and the annoyance in your voice. You were beginning to wonder if he  _ liked _ being  _ disliked _ . Through the trees opened up the common area, to the left was your favorite signal tower (the one you’d fallen off of) buzzing as if it was mocking you as you walked by. 

Around the side of a large generator, you found Poe in conversation with Rey. You tried to be polite as you stepped into their space. “Hi Rey. Excuse me I’m sorry, General, when you have a moment may I have a word?” 

He smiled, undoubtedly knowing what the conversation was going to be about. It wouldn't have been the first time. “Sure Kid, can we meet at the docking bay in ten? At my ship.” 

You’d  _ just _ come from there, but whatever. “Yes sir.” 

This time you took the left side route to the docking bay instead of the right, you didn’t really want to run into Avex again. A ship from the last row began its ascent just as you’d gotten there, the engines blowing your hair back as you waited with your back rested against the far side of Poe’s Starfighter. The cold metal of the body felt nice against your warm back, the climate on Ajan Kloss was pretty humid most days which led to frizzy hair and sweaty clothes. You were scrolling through the reports listed on your data pad when Poe appeared, a blue quarter-sleeve shirt rolled up past his elbows. The blaster on his hop rocked with each step, and you grinned at him as he walked over. 

“I know,” He said as he stopped in front of you. “I already inspected the X-Wing and found no issues, so Avex can relax.” 

“Maybe you should tell him that yourself, I got an earful this afternoon.” You huffed. “He said he’s sick of you doing inspections on your ship yourself.” 

Poe gave you a half smile, glancing to Avex’s workspace over a hundred yards away. “Well, he’s got to get over it. I’m sorry, I meant to catch you after Leia’s thing and got caught up.” 

“It’s fine, I just need him to sign off on these repair orders so I can submit them before midnight and he’s being a dick about it.” You laughed, brushing a piece of rouge hair behind your ear. “Maybe you can get him to sign?” 

“I’ll take care of it.” 

“Thank you, General. I’ll send the repair orders to your data pad now.” 

Poe then took a small step forward, the infamous space between you two cut in half. His eyes narrowed, scanning across your face that was growing warmer by the second. Your lips parted as you took an inhale, your nerves beginning to shake. The stubble on his cheeks and chin had grown out a little longer, the salt and pepper colored scruff getting harder and harder to look away from. Poe tilted his head. “You know you don’t have to refer to me as General when it’s just us.” 

It felt like the air circulating through your lungs was being sucked out by a vacuum. You didn’t know how to reply to that. “Oh,” Is all you could muster up, Poe somehow was closer. 

From there, everything began to warp, Poe’s left hand darted under your chin, the pad of his thumb sliding under your bottom lip. He chuckled, a wave of  _ something _ ran down your spine. “You’re always so nervous around me,” 

Your mouth was becoming dryer and dryer every second his breath entered your nose. He was so close now that you could see the crows feet at the outer corners of his brown eyes, a small line of a scar on his right cheek. “I-I am?” You stuttered, blinking up at his gaze that you were trapped in. “I’m sorry.” 

“No. It’s cute.” He cocked his head, and then like a bolt of lightning, he angled your chin up and pressed his supple lips into yours. 

There could have been a magnitude earthquake on Ajan Kloss in that moment, and you would have never noticed. It was like time stopped for hours. Poe’s mouth was on yours so delicately that your knees were shaking, his hand under your jaw held you in place as you felt like at any given moment you might crumble. 

You’d daydreamed of kissing Poe many times, and your imagination was proving to fail you; because it was so much better than that. 

You were vice gripping your data pad at your chest, arms too afraid to move in fear he’d back away. Poe’s lips parted for a mere second before they were back on yours, this time rougher, with a drive. His body pressed against yours and in the quickest action, his knee split your legs in half, pushing your head against the cool metal of the X-Wing. You reached a hand out to steady yourself as he kissed you, dropping your data pad onto the hard dirt in the process. 

It was surely broken, but you couldn’t focus on anything else other than him in that moment. He smelled like pine and sweat, Poe’s other hand placed below the side of your ribcage, the hand on your chin moving to cup the side of your face. 

Just as quick as he’d done it, he pulled away, leaving your lips shiny and plump; and your heart thoroughly erratic. When you’d opened your eyes you were hit with Poe still close, his hand cradling your head and his fingers remained on your side. You were out of breath, heart catching in your throat as you just looked at him, confused on what you were supposed to do next. 

Luckily Poe moved first, his breath heavy as he backed himself away, knuckle wiped the corner of his mouth. He grinned, flashing his white teeth at you and sending your heart back to pumping blood again. Poe bent down to retrieve your data pad and brushed the screen off, chuckling at the shattered glass. “We’ll have to get you a new one of these.” 

You scoffed, brain completely scrambled. “It’s fine, it’s really fine.” 

He handed it to you, letting his hand go back to your hip. “I...probably shouldn’t have done that.” 

“Poe, it’s okay really.” You assured, resting your palm on his forearm. His skin was warm. 

His eyes gleamed, the wrinkles around them smoothing to meld into his tanned skin. He was so handsome up close, darkened hair curled with the humidity. “I’ll get those repair orders taken care of right now.” His fingers twitched on your hip. “And I’ll get you a new data pad by tomorrow, is that alright?” There was a shaking in his words. 

You nodded, chewing on the inside of your cheek so hard you began to taste copper. “Yeah, of course.” 

He licked his lips, eyes trailing over your neck and you began to feel warm. “I have to get back to Rey, but Finn and I wanted to talk to you about a few things. Are you free this evening?” Poe asked, his fingers twitched on your side. 

Strange. Finn  _ and  _ Poe? What kind of things would they need to speak with you about? Your brain was still too fuzzy. You let your hand linger on his forearm. “I have a girls night planned with Kaydel and Rose, but they can wait a little longer.” 

Poe smiled, only adding to the spinning of your head. “Great, let’s meet at the Falcon at 6.” 

“Okay.” You said, voice barely above a whisper. 

Poe then removed his hands completely from you, maneuvering his head to kiss you on the cheek gently. You smirked, barely able to keep eye contact with him. The feeling inside of your chest peaked, a flourish of excitement as his lips left your cheekbone, and just as quick as they spiked; the emotion fell, and you were left with the oddest, cold grip on your heart. He was gone soon after, disappearing through the maze of X-Wings to leave you bewildered, the taste of his mouth still on your lips and your head cloudy with what possible things he and Finn would need from you. 

  
  



	4. I Think Everyone Deserves A Second Chance, Don't You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your General's offer you a new position in the Resistance, leaving your already muddled brain wandering further away from you. Kaydel makes a snide comment about your new friend Ben, leading to an argument neither of you can quite understand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!! this chapter proved to be rather difficult to finish on time, so I hope it's okay! I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has commented, left kudos and taken the time to read this work. it's been a lot of fun and helped a lot with the quarantine blues! very excited to keep this going, and chapter five will be up next Tuesday! 
> 
> stay safe everyone and have a great week!

CHAPTER FOUR 

“You’re...promoting me?” 

Finn nodded, hand on his hip. “Yes, if you’re interested. With everything that has happened recently, Poe and I talked about it and we think you’d do well in a leadership position.” 

Finn and Poe sat across from you at the holochess table in the Millenium Falcon. Poe had an arm up over the seat behind Finn, his forehead was sweat glistened with a soft expression under his tired eyes. “The work won’t be much different than what you are currently doing,” Poe began. “Being a lead of the communications team just entails you to make sure that the departments you are covering are on track for their deadlines. You would cover the docking bay as well as the dispatch team. You’ll hold weekly meetings with your departments, as well as keeping daily logs on your data pad to be submitted. Super simple, and an area of the Resistance that would benefit from someone like you.” 

“Agreed. The work you did for Leia proved that you excel in this field. Behind the scenes work is so important, and I think you’ll be a great fit.” Finn spoke, lips pressed together to form a pleasant smile. “If you don’t want to accept, you don’t have to. You were just Poe and I’s first choice.” 

You couldn’t make very much sense of the offer. You’d been a Resistance soldier for less than a year, and there were plenty others who were much more qualified and had years of experience under their belt. Sure, you considered yourself to be rather good at your previous duties with Leia, but clerical work didn’t prove to be all that difficult to grasp. Poe seemed to sense your uncertainty, he let a soft kick hit your boot under the table.

“Plus, you’d be Avex’s superior…” Poe sang, brow rising.

Now  _ that _ was something you could get behind. The offer seemed simple enough; the promotion came with a pay raise as well as a seat at the admin Resistance meetings on base, which allowed more time with Kaydel and Poe and a great learning opportunity. The work was something you were familiar with, and you’d have been lying if you said you  _ weren’t  _ interested in making a larger impact during your time with the Resistance. It was clear you had to accept, you just hoped you’d live up the expectations. 

You took a breath, glancing around the interior of the Falcon briefly before answering. One day, you’d get a better look around this historic ship. “Thank you General’s, your trust means a lot. I won’t let you down.” You affirmed, determined to make sure that would be true.

On your way out of the docking bay, you couldn’t get your brain to stop for even a second. The promotion was great, and you were excited to start your new job come Monday morning. But in the back of your mind you couldn’t help but wonder if you’d been offered the position due to your...lack of cambative knowledge. You were beginning to think spraining your ankle before the trip to Exegol was actually a  _ good  _ thing. Even Ben pointed it out the first night you met him.  _ “You’ve never fired an actual shot in your life, have you?”  _

Stop thinking about Ben right now. _ Can’t you just accept the damn promotion and get over it?!  _ You thought to yourself. Then again, you never were all that great at listening to orders, especially from yourself. You’d wanted an opportunity to speak to Poe privately about the offer, just to ease your mind on the subject. But before you could snag him away, he and Finn needed to make some last minute arrangements for an upcoming departure. Poe gave you a reassuring grin before you’d walked out of the Falcon, another thing you couldn’t stop thinking about.

\- 

After a quick stop at your tent for a change of clothes, you’d made it to Kaydel’s tent only twenty minutes late. Having a ‘girls night’ didn’t really sound like the most preferable way to spend your evening after the wild events that had just taken place, honestly your brain was so busy all you wanted to do was sit in bed and play a game on your data pad. Oh right, that was broken. Well, you’d take sleeping the remainder of the night away in the comfort and privacy of your own home instead of pretending to be overly interested in this gathering. At least you'd get to tell them about your promotion. As for your kiss with Poe, that you wanted to keep to yourself a bit longer; you were still trying to wrap your head around it and didn’t need others to do the same.

Kay jumped from her spot beside Rose’s cot when you walked in, throwing an arm around your shoulder with a little too much force. “For a minute there I thought you were going to blow us off!” 

You tried to smile as genuinely as you could. “I debated, trust me.” 

Rose had a tray of what appeared to be a type of sweet dessert bars and extended one to you. You politely declined and set your bag on the floor beside the tent opening. Kaydel patted your back. “Come sit. So, did you manage to escape the wrath of Avex?” 

You let out a heavy sigh. “As if that were even possible.” 

“I once had to work with him for two days on an older T-65 model, and he barely let me touch the thing. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has an issue with working with females.” Rose rolled her eyes, her black hair pulled back into a tiny ponytail at the base of her neck. She was one of the smartest engineers you’d ever known, which could have been a reason Avex didn’t want to work with her. Perhaps, that could be the reason he didn’t want to work with  _ any _ of you...That was going to change now that you were his superior. 

“You know Rose, I wouldn’t doubt it.” You chewed the inside of your cheek, wincing at the previous bite mark you just couldn't leave alone. “Sexist asshole.” 

Kay grabbed a dessert bar from the tray, taking a big bite. “Men, so sick of all of them.” 

Rose chuckled at that, bangs over her forehead bouncing. “Speaking of, did you guys see Rey today with her hands all over  _ Kylo Ren _ ?” 

Your heart stopped, paralyzed just by the mere mention of that name. That was the absolute  _ last _ thing you wanted to hear right now. 

“I mean I know his mom just passed, but I wonder if they’re...You know,” 

Kaydel snickered, licking frosting off of her index finger with a smack. “Oh, one hundred percent they are. Why else would she bring that freak back here?”

_ Freak.  _

“Maybe they’re in love.” Rose chimed, snickering at her own comment. Your palms were beginning to perspire. Why was the thought of Ben and Rey  _ together  _ making you uncomfortable?

Kaydel scoffed with another bite. “Or maybe he brainwashed her, some Sith type shit, you know?”

“T-that’s not very nice, Kay.” You muttered under your breath, hands writhing in your lap. The moment the words left your lips, you regretted saying anything at all. 

Kaydel looked confused, a soft chuckle from her chest. “What?” 

Because you just couldn’t be stopped if you tried, you replied to her. “I just said that wasn’t very nice.” 

The look on her face morphed, her eyebrows turning down to a grimace. “Are you really defending Kylo Ren right now?”

“N-no,” You stuttered, wishing for one second you could shut your damn mouth. “But he did just lose his mother,”

“Leia meant more to all of us than to her  _ own son. _ ” She spit, tossing the remainder of the dessert bar to her side. “And he  _ murdered _ his father. You can’t tell me you feel  _ sorry  _ for him.” 

“I don’t Kaydel.” You lied only a little.

She brushed her sugar coated fingers off on her pant leg. “Good, because he’s dangerous. He’s Kylo- _ fucking _ -Ren, and no one should feel sorry for him.” 

The spark inside of your chest began to catch, aggravation rising up your throat with a burn. For whatever reason, Kaydel referring to Ben as Kylo was creating a dull frenzy in the pit of your gut. You were not in the mood for her judgment. Your brain was still feeling the effects of Poe and your new promotion, which could have been a somewhat valid explanation as to why your mouth began moving without you to stop it. “He isn’t, you know.”

_ Here we go.  _ Kay shook her head. “He’s not  _ what? _ ”

Rose looked between the both of you girls, her mouth gaped as she debated whether or not to step in. You tried to keep your voice level, but now that you and Kaydel were in the thick of this argument, you figured you might as well go all out. “His name is Ben, and maybe if you or anyone else would give him five minutes of your time instead of treating him like a beast, you’d see that too.” You huffed. “Kylo Ren is dead, the First Order is defeated and I think we all need to move the fuck on.” 

Kaydel stared at you in astonishment, betrayal clearly displayed on her face as if you’d just called her a Moof Milker. She spit out your name. “I cannot believe those words just came out of your mouth.” 

You threw your hands up, scoffing at her with an attitude. “Well they did. That is Leia’s  _ son _ .”

It was then Kaydel rose from her seat, holding her arms down at her side, one palm balled into a fist. “Her son is the reason any of us have a job!” She retorted, voice rising. “Her son  _ killed  _ our  _ friends. _ Why are you acting like this? Three days ago you hated ‘Ben Solo’.” 

It was a valid question. Why were you acting like this? It wasn’t as if Ben needed protection or someone to stick up for him, certainly not from you. It was frustrating that people spoke about Ben as Kylo. You had known behind the shadows and closed tents of Ajan Kloss that most of the Resistance likely thought the same way Kaydel did. But the fact that it was someone so close to you, spitting words about Kylo Ren in your face, that made you maybe more sad than angry. It was the realization that if you ever did want Kay to know about your newfound friendship with Ben, she wouldn’t have it. If you were forced to choose between your best friend and Ben Solo, you knew who would have to win. And that alone was enough to make your stomach twist. 

But what was the point of arguing? You were smart enough to know there wasn’t one, not with Kaydel. Sticking up for him did nothing but make  _ you _ look bad, funny enough. You shook your head, exhaling some anger and ready to be done with the conversation. “I don’t know, okay? I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” 

“Oh now you don’t want to talk about it?” She sneered. “You act like you guys are friends or something! He is the most-“ 

"I got a promotion!” You shouted over her, hoping it would put an end to the hour long rant she was undoubtedly about to make you endure. 

“Wait, what?” Rose said, leaping to her feet. 

You nodded your head, hands shaking with adrenaline. “I was offered to be a lead of communications by Finn and Poe and I accepted. I start on monday.” 

“That’s great!” Rose reached both arms out to hug you. “Congrats! So you’ll be a part of our meetings now?”

“Yeah, I guess so” 

Kaydel didn’t say a word, and the dirty glare over her face was beginning to make you fume. “You’re not going to say anything Kaydel?”

She put on a smile that reeked of sarcasm. “Congratulations.” Kaydel picked up her bag and stormed out of the tent, aggravated footsteps heard clearly as she trudged away.

“Rose, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to start this on our night.” You apologized on behalf of you both. “Her and I can just get into it sometimes, you know.”

Rose rested a hand on your shoulder. “It’s okay, you guys are lifelong friends, you’ll work it out.” She pursed her lips, a light pink gloss coated over them with a shimmer. “That was nice of you to stand up for him.” 

She picked up the platter of dessert bars and set them on the foot of her cot. “I shouldn’t participate in the banter but...It’s difficult for a lot of us, I think. We’ve all seen first hand the horrible things that the First Order has been responsible for.” 

“The First Order was so much more than only Kylo Ren.” The words left your tongue softly. Rose, you did not want to argue with. “I think everyone deserves a second chance, don’t you?” 

Her eyes glanced down to the ground for a quick moment. “Most people who are awarded second chances, weren’t responsible for entire worlds destroyed.” 

The room fell quiet, the feeling in your gut loosening from anger into despair. Rose was right, so why did you still feel that she was wrong? You sighed, picking up your bag from the floor and slinging it over your shoulder. “I should probably go, I’m sorry…” 

You were halfway out of the tent opening when you turned on your heels, an apologetic look on your face. “Are you upset with me too?” 

Rose shook her head. “Of course not. I’ll see you at your first official Resistance meeting on Monday.” 

You hugged her before you left, and Rose held you for a few extra seconds. The walk back to your own quarters was quiet, a seething irritation burrowing into your heart with every step. How could Kaydel be so…

You didn’t finish that thought, it would only make the feeling in your gut worse. She was your best friend, and growing up together included plenty of fights and arguments about much more stupid topics. You hoped this fight would be like the others, and you would both find your way back to each other. Some time apart would do you both some good, and the weekend ahead of you was the best opportunity for that. 

Besides the argument, Rose’s comment was forcing you to think about Ben and Rey more than you would have liked to. Were they sleeping together, or for some reason a far worse option in your eyes, what if they were  _ together _ ? Even furthermore, why would that be such a bad thing? 

And then  _ Poe... _ You still could barely fathom it. Tomorrow it would most likely hit you harder, but for now, you were still filled with a numbing shock; continuously reminding yourself that the moment with him was real. 

You hit your cot front first, not bothering to remove your boots before your head caught the  _ one  _ pillow you owned. It felt like hours before you finally fell asleep, your brain too busy with the day’s events. At least it was a Friday evening and you’d get to sleep in an extra hour tomorrow.

-

You’d known it was him before your eyes even opened. His sweet breath was filling your senses, the tiny enclosure of the tent circulating his easy exhales. You flipped over onto your side, facing him and opening your eyes to the pitch darkness of your tent. His presence was becoming easier and easier for you to sense, it was almost like he gave off a static energy, emanating off his skin with a buzz. Through the dark you could only make out his faint outline as it sat against the wall of your tent. 

“What are you doing here?” You asked, voice groggy. 

“Couldn’t sleep. The usual.” Ben said, voice so low you almost couldn't hear him. “I was talking a walk, your dreams are pretty loud.” 

Your thudding of your heartbeat escalated, another thing Ben’s presence had you getting used to. “You can hear my dreams?” 

“Yes.” He waited a few seconds, shadowed eyes undoubtedly seeing you better than you were seeing him. “I came to congratulate you on the promotion.” 

The promotion. That meant he knew about the argument with Kaydel, and P-

“I do. Congrats on that as well, I know you wanted it. There seems to be a  _ you  _ and the  _ General  _ now, no?” His voice dropped lower, and your mouth felt dry as a bone. Ben clicked his tongue. “You didn’t have to defend me, you know.” 

You sat up on your elbow still in bed, wondering what time it was and why he was sitting in your tent in the middle of the night. Not that you minded, anyhow. 

Ben let out a breath through his nose. “It’s nearing 4 in the morning. Would you like me to leave?” 

“No,” You mumbled, probably too enthusiastically. You kicked your legs, ankle sore from still being compressed by the leather of your boots. You sat up and united them, tossing them to the other side of the tent and laid back down. “I wouldn’t have defended you if I didn’t think it was right.” 

He huffed, and you wished you could see his face. Not a second later, Ben then scooted across the tent floor to sit right at the side of the cot, so close his sweet breath became almost intoxicatingly potent. You could see his eyes now that he was less than a foot away, and they gleamed even through the black of your quarters. 

“Can you see me now?” 

You smirked, it was like he was professionally trained in being  _ smug.  _ “Yes.” You attempted to hide the smile hinting in your voice. “I’m just genuinely curious as to why you decided to enter my tent at four in the morning while I was asleep.” 

Ben chucked so lightly, the air in your lungs expanded. “Honesty is an additional trait I’m working on, so if you must know, I had a night terror.” 

“Oh, I’m sorry.” What else were you supposed to say to that? “Do you...Want to talk about it?” 

“Not particularly. I’ve found that your presence tends to subdue some of my more...intrusive thoughts.” He mumbled, a tender voice.

That truly made your heart seize. ‘ _ Why’  _ seemed to be the question of the day...

Ben sighed. “I’m not sure yet.” 

“Well, are you okay?” You asked him gently. 

“No,” He admitted, and for some reason that answer had you taken a back. He took a minute before continuing, and you felt his elbow compress onto the cot. “But that is another issue in itself.” 

“I’m sorry, Ben. I wish I could help.” It was all you could think to say, your brain still thoroughly fried and Ben’s sudden visit only worsening that effect. 

Ben’s shoulders shrugged. “You do.” 

The softness in his voice- in his  _ being _ right then- was so unknown to you. You and Ben had shared handfuls of conversations, even drunken ones like the night prior. But this time there was something different about the way he spoke, you couldn’t land an explanation to it if you tried. Ben wanted to be in  _ your  _ presence after a nightmare, and that nestled a seat into an uncharted place in your chest. 

“You can stay if you want to,” You spoke softly. “I have an extra blanket under my cot.” 

Ben seemed to be considering the idea. You wanted him to stay, if it made him feel better. “I doubt Kaydel, nor Poe, would take kindly to you and I having a sleepover.”

You chuckled at that. A sleepover with  _ Ben Solo _ . “Are you sure? We could have a pillow fight and talk about boys. We already share our feelings,” 

He laughed, a  _ real _ quiet laugh that sent your blood pumping. Through the dark, you heard the smile in speech. “That sounds enticing, but I think I have to decline. Perhaps we can have a pillow fight some other time.” 

Ben then stood up, towering over you through the unlit air of your quarters and turned to leave. 

“Wait,” You stopped him, sitting up in bed a little higher. It felt ridiculous to say, but then again, Ben was proving to make everything that was normally deemed as difficult, seem easy. At least to you. “Do you want to stay a little longer? Maybe just until I fall back asleep.” 

He didn't say anything, his shadow casted above you. The deprivation of enough sleep was likely aiding this, but after the wild day you’d had, you didn’t want to be alone again. “You  _ did _ wake me up after all,” 

Ben let out a breath, but he didn’t hesitate. He took a seat at the far end of your cot, and you curled your legs to allow him space, shimming under your blankets. His head leaned against the tent wall, his height causing him to almost hit the roof, and let his hand fall to just barely lie on your ankle.

The intimacy of Ben’s touch even through the blankets lit a spark in your chest, one that you were growing to become accustomed to. It was a distinct spark, different than what anyone else made you experience. It didn’t feel like an accumulation of excitement or glee. It was easy, warm and...calm. You pulled the covers up over your shoulders and glanced at his darkened shadow before attempting to rest. This time, it took only minutes for you to fall into unconsciousness, knowing that the weighted dip at the edge of your mattress was Ben; and everything else faded. 


	5. Sundaisy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Generals leave on an unexpected trip off planet, giving you the opportunity to spend some quality time with Ben.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!!! happy Tuesday! I hope everyone enjoys this chapter, I had a lot of fun getting to write a lengthy one on one chapter with you and Ben! as for next week's chapter, it will likely be out on Tuesday, but the last week has been pretty wild so it may be posted on Wednesday or Thursday of next week. I'm going to try to shoot for Tuesday though to keep my posting days on schedule. as always, thank you so so much to everyone for reading, I love reading your comments and seeing that people are liking this little world I've written! I hope everyone has a great week, stay safe! <3

**CHAPTER FIVE**

  
  


You awoke without an alarm for the first time in weeks, the soft sunlight peering in through your tent’s thin fabric walls. You ran a hand over your face as you sat up, eyes heavy and already feeling drained of motivation to begin the day. At the end of your cot was a divot in the blankets, your feet avoiding the area subconsciously. You had to remind yourself the night prior, Ben’s unexpected late night visit, was real and not a dream. If you were being honest with yourself, even so you still wondered if it  _ was  _ a figment of your imagination. But then you remembered the feel of his hand on your ankle, his heavy body at your feet; and you were certain. 

Ben was beginning to invade your mind with an even more vigor than usual. You’d wondered how long he had stayed last night, if he’d slept at all. You’d check on him today. Yes, check in on him. Only to inquire if he was alright...

You changed clothes, a light tan pair of jeans and an oversized grey t-shirt. The ankle wrap you’d become rather used to was set out on your bedside table, and you briefly thought about including it in your outfit for the day, but quickly dismissed that after rolling your ankle around a few times. It felt better, really the best it had been in a while. You’d try it out for the day, hopefully never having to strap the wretched thing on again. 

Saturdays on base were usually chill, but your new job meant you needed to meet with Avex  _ daily _ , with the exception of Sundays, since ships come in and out every day. At least you were his superior now, and if he so much as even raised a finger at you again you’d make sure to- 

Poe caught you by the arm as you passed the common area, swinging you around to land in his arms. You squealed at the sudden contact, hands balled and pushed against his chest as he walked you both back to hide behind one of the ship-tracking kiosks. “Your new data pad,” He said, reaching into his pocket with his free hand, the other on the small of your back. “Try not to break this one, alright?”

You let out a breath, looking over the handheld device’s pristine condition. It still had the protective wrap over the screen. “I recall it being  _ your _ doing that caused me to break my previous one, but I’ll do my best.” 

“Was that a compliment to my kissing?” He teased, his hair wet and curled and a freshly shaved face. 

Your heart flipped a thousand times over. What had your life become? New job, new...whatever you and Poe were. You were too afraid to ask him that yourself; for now you’d play along. “You know, my memory is a little fuzzy. You might have to remind me.” 

Poe smiled devilishly. “What a shame,” His head dipped, lips leaving the gentlest kiss on yours. You tried to kiss him back a little more enthusiastically now that you weren’t practically in a coma. His hand pulled you closer, your chest pressed into his and your hands laid flat out on his shoulder blades. He smelled nice. 

He pulled away with his teeth yanking on his bottom lip. A gust of cool wind flew through the base, Poe’s damp hair shaking. “Finn and I have to go. We’ll be back likely within the week.” 

A  _ week?  _ “Oh yeah…” You said, trying to hide the disappointment in your voice.

Poe rubbed his palm along your back. “No days off around here.”

That was true. “When do you leave?” 

“Few hours. We’re taking the Falcon, Chewie’s coming with.”

“What about Rey?” You asked, awkwardly darting your eyes away from him. Not that you cared where Rey was or if she would be around Ben for the week or anything like that at all…

“She’ll be here. She still needs to keep an eye on Solo.” Poe’s jaw clenched. 

You regretted asking that question and instantly changed direction. You knew how much Poe despised Ben without needing to ask. 

“You won’t be there for my first meeting…” You sighed, face falling. You were already nervous enough about your new position, and for the first week your boss wouldn’t even be present. 

“I promise I’ll be there for the next one.” He reassured you. “Kaydel will be with you. Just try not to murder Avex while I’m gone, alright?” 

_ Kaydel... _ You’d wondered if she was still upset with you. You sure were still upset with her… Avex was another story. “I can’t promise you that.” 

Poe then planted a slow kiss on your forehead, causing your blood to circulate maybe too quick. You looked up at him, his eyes flickered down to you. “It’ll be fine.” 

In the farthest point of your peripheral vision, you’d noticed a mass of black. Your eyes darted over Poe’s shoulder as he spoke to you, long black hair unmistakable even from this distance. Ben looked right at you, a grin on his face before he walked into the trees, the limp in his gait noticeably better. He was a ways away, even so the quickest glance was an invitation to follow. 

“I’ll message you. Is that okay?” Poe suddenly inquired, smooth cheeks lifted. 

Your lips pressed together. Why was he so sweet? “I’d like that. Be safe, General.” 

“Always.” He winked, and he was off to the docking bay; your feet were already moving to walk into the trees.

-

Ben was already waiting for you by the time you’d entered the forest, his back pressed up against a tree trunk and his hands in his pants pockets. His hair was great at usual, and you ran a hand down your own head of hair in hopes of smoothing it out. The weather today was nice, a little cooler with a breeze, so Ben wore a short sleeved shirt, exposing his large arms. You half grinned at him as you walked up, lips still coated with Poe’s kiss. 

“Good morning.” He greeted simply, expressionless. 

Why was he so good at being stoic  _ constantly _ ? “Morning. I hope you got some more sleep.” 

“I didn’t.” 

Of course not. 

“How’s your ankle?” You asked him. 

Ben let his back lift off the tree, putting all of his weight onto his bad foot. His shoulders rose and fell. “I’ll live.” He blinked at you a few times, eyes trailing down your body once. “When do you meet with Avex?” 

You had to think. There wasn’t really a set time. Even if there was, it wouldn’t matter when dealing with Avex. “I’m supposed to speak with him this morning but I’m debating putting that off as long as possible. Why do you ask?” 

“Would you like to procrastinate by spending the morning with me?” 

_ Oh.  _ “Uhm, okay. What are we going to do?” 

“I’m not sure yet. I need to meditate, come along.” It wasn’t a question, not that you would have denied anyhow.

Ben waited for you to catch up, the two of you walking in quiet content through the forest. The trees howled against the wind, strong gusts blowing leaves across your feet. After only a few minutes, the trees opened up to a familiar spot. 

The creek was flowing nicely, bright green patches of grass surrounding the water. You hadn’t been back out to the creek since the drunken evening with Ben. He took a long stride and sat at the edge of the water, his chest faced toward you. 

“I’ve never meditated before.” You admitted, taking a seat across from him. Small blue flowers were blooming across the creek, long green vines curling around a log. They stood out against the brown and green backdrop of the planet, you hadn’t seen many flowers on Ajan Kloss. The climate was basically wet dirt everywhere. They were pretty, you looked them over as Ben took a seat. 

He sat with his legs folded, hands laid gently on the grass with his palms facing down. He closed his eyes, face soft and took in a long breath. “You don’t have to meditate with me if you don’t wish to.”

“Right. My presence,” You stated, relaxing your shoulders. 

“Yes.” 

Was this a  _ Jedi  _ thing? Meditation never seemed like something you could benefit from. Then again,  _ you _ never wielded a lightsaber. Where was Rey? Wasn’t she a Jedi too? Why didn’t Ben invite her along, after all, she was his-

“You need to relax.” Ben suddenly commanded, his voice smooth and eyes remained closed. “Meditation provides clarity, allowing you to align yourself and your intentions with the Force. You don’t have to be a Jedi to do so.” 

As if you had any idea what any of that meant. The Force didn’t exactly reach out to you. He opened his eyes then, expressionless still, and reached his hand out toward you. “Give me your hand.” 

You obeyed, scooting yourself on the grass to be closer. Your knee was an inch away from his, and you placed your shaking hand into his palm. Ben’s fingers grasped yours gently, and he let his hand rest against his knee. His touch was as you remembered, warm skin and a tight grip. He closed his eyes once more. “Close your eyes, follow my breaths.” 

This all felt a little silly, but your hand on top of Ben’s warm palm brought you the same amount of relaxation as it did excitement. You peeked one eye open at him to check if he too wasn’t looking. Slowly, you copied his breaths. In and out, your chest filled with crisp air before exhaling it away. 

“Good. Now, ease your mind into contentment. Recognize where you are, that you’re safe with me, and give your consciousness permission to rest.” Ben ordered. 

Your heartbeat began to slow. You hadn’t considered it before, but quite possibly being in the presence of Ben Solo would be the  _ safest _ you’d ever truly be. You didn’t believe he would hurt you, and most certainly you believed no one else would attempt such a feeble act with the former Supreme Leader. For whatever reason, that worked, and you allowed yourself to sink your weight into the grass below you for a moment; your mind relaxed, thoughts softened. Ben took in a deep breath. “The Force does not belong to only Jedi’s. It’s equivalent to the air we are breathing now, it moves through all things; including you.”

“I don’t-” 

He whispered your name. “Shh. Do not let your mind wander. Offer your feelings out.” 

You didn’t  _ feel  _ any different, but you’d give Ben the benefit of doubt with just about anything. You squeezed Ben’s hand a little tighter, he mimicked the pressure around your palm as well, an encouragement to keep going.

With that, you followed his breaths again. The minutes went by, the concept of time pushing back to the edge of your mind. You could hear his breaths in front of you, the stream of fresh water to your right flowing, life in the distance living on. Chirps from birds, leaves shaking in the trees. The grass beneath you was cool and dry, risen sun casting warm beams of light onto your skin. Ben’s steady hand in yours, the tip of your boot pressed into his knee. 

You didn’t know exactly how long it had been, at least fifteen minutes before you allowed yourself to recognize your feelings. You felt peaceful,  _ safe _ , at ease and in touch with the nature you were currently in the middle of. There was no worry, no anxiety about Poe or Kaydel or anyone really. You weren’t concerned with work or with having to deal with Avex and logging ships and meetings. The only thing you were concerned with was Ben in front of you, hand in yours and the immense tranquility he was providing you with. 

As you’d predicted, Ben heard you; because it was easy to forget that he hears  _ everything, _ he gripped your hand a little tighter and your eyes fluttered open to reveal his pretty hazel irises focused on you easily. You let yourself be captured in his gaze, allowing your mind to come back to reality. Ben Solo was sitting in front of you, holding  _ your _ hand in the exact spot you two had sat together not so long ago. Without so much as a second thought, you let your gaze wander over him freely. His freckles were dark against his pale skin, eyelashes long and batting at you every few seconds, dark stubble beginning to sprout along his chin and under his nose. It was clear since the first day you’d encountered him, but right now more than ever, Ben Solo was...beautiful. 

You watched the corners of his mouth turn up into the smallest smile, his eyes averting to the creek beside you with, was that  _ bashfulness? _

He squeezed your hand once more before retreating his touch, and you blinked several times as if disconnecting out of a trance. It wasn’t surprising you’d encountered another strange emotion while with Ben, it was proving to be a daily activity. It didn’t matter. Any emotion, any amount of time spent with him was something you were certain now, that you’d gladly accept. 

Ben nodded his head, long hair bouncing in a gust of air. “For never having meditated, you did well.” 

Did you? Well, it was easy to forget about everything when that man was holding onto your hand. “Thank you. It was...nice.” You spoke gently. “How often do you do this?” 

“I try to at least twice a day. More if I feel I need it.” 

If he needed it. You disliked the thought of him  _ needing  _ anything. It was easy to forget sometimes that he was recovering, he played it off so well. “How are you doing?” You asked, voice low, fearing he wouldn’t like you asking about his personal life. Then again, Ben  _ did say  _ he was working on his honesty. 

He cocked his head to the side, eyes watching the flowing creek. “Some days are better than others.” He admitted, fingers playing with a short blade of grass. “It’s been interesting to experience things, emotions, that I haven’t come across in many years.” 

“Like what?” You slid a piece of hair behind your ear. You hoped he didn’t mind you asking.

Ben’s mouth twitched. “I don’t mind. One good example would be friends.” 

“You...didn’t have many friends before?” You asked. 

“No. I had other priorities.” Ben scoffed, his white teeth revealed to you for just a moment. “I suppose I was not the most...pleasurable person to be around.” 

You thought on that for a moment. This wasn’t the first time you’d wondered about Ben when he was Kylo. The man you’d heard so much about seemed so far from the man that was sat in front of you. Kylo Ren was described as vile, evil, a murder in a mask. You yourself agreed with those statements just earlier in the week. But Ben was almost the exact opposite from just the little time you two had spent together. He was kind, funny, sometimes rather snarky but in a way that made him  _ more  _ desirable to be around. 

Over the horizon of trees, you watched the Millenium Falcon rise in the air, turning north, the bright blue backlight illuminated. Without another moment to spare, the ship took off into the distance, leaving nothing in its wake but trembling tree tops. You’d hoped whatever the General’s were doing, that they’d be safe. With the First Order gone, perhaps they would be. 

Ben watched the ship take off too, his jaw locked tightly in place when he faced his head back to you. You tried not to think about it too loudly with him right in front of you, but you couldn’t help but wonder how Ben must feel watching his father’s ship take off into the sky. Really, you could barely fathom how he must feel about any of this. Coming home to his mother’s final resting place, his father’s most prized possession sat in the docking bay, his...whatever Chewbacca would be considered to him. Brother, perhaps?

“I called him Uncle Chewie as a child.” Ben interrupted your erratic train of thought, and you felt bad for even thinking it at all. 

The thought of Chewie caring for a small toddler Ben, black moppy hair on his head as he swung him around in his furry arms. “Sorry, I’m still getting used to the whole mind reading thing when I’m around you.” You apologized. 

Ben brought his knee to his chest, latching his hands around his calf. He gazed over you, jaw locked into place tightly before he spoke. “You’re rather tough on yourself, do you know that?” 

Well, yeah. “What do you mean?” 

“You’re so concerned with how  _ your _ feelings will affect others.” 

You pondered that, perhaps it was true. 

“It is true. You can’t be bothered with how your own opinions and thoughts will make others feel, you’ll never win in that scenario.” 

You scoffed, it was easy for him to say that. “Well, other people can’t hear every word I think. I only worry when I’m with you.” 

“Why?” Ben asked, eyes squinting to look at you. 

Again, that was an excellent question. “I don’t know…” You struggled to find the right answer to that. It was obvious he’d already known your answer, but that he wanted to hear it aloud. “I don’t want to upset anybody, especially not you.” 

Ben’s eyes squinted as he looked to the sky. “If anything you thought upset me, I wouldn’t be sitting here with you right now, Kid.” 

The feeling in your chest tightened. Were you too hard on yourself? Likely, yes. It was easy to feel less than with so many incredible Resistance soldiers surrounding you, your friends were pilots, Lieutenants, hell half of them went to freaking  _ Exegol  _ to fight, and  _ won.  _ You...did clerical work. Sure, it was very important, but you sometimes couldn’t help but feel like you didn’t matter as much to the Resistance as some of the closest people to you. The blaster that was currently attached to your hip was rarely fired, and the rare times it was, it was at target practice. 

Ben said your name then, his eyebrows turned down as he stood up from the grass. You watched him stand as he extended a hand out, glaring down at you. You looked between his hand and his face for a moment before giving him your palm, and he aided you to stand in front of him. Ben’s height towered over you, your eyes having to look almost  _ all  _ the way up to barely match his eye contact. He kept his hand in yours. “You have to stop thinking like that.” 

“I know, I know. Sorry.” 

“No.” Ben’s voice rose a little louder, the grip on your hand tightened with a stern look in his eyes. “Quit apologizing for everything.” He rose a brow, tilting his chin down. 

You nodded, glancing down at your hands clasped together. “Okay.” 

“Good. You are imperative, do not forget that.” 

Imperative. You filed that sentence leaving his lips in a specific place in your brain, determined to not ever let that slip your memory. “T-thank you…” You stuttered, feeling a little embarrassed. 

Ben then disconnected his touch and took two steps back, returning his hands to his pants pockets. You looked at him confused for only a moment before the sound of crunching leaves emerged from behind you. With a sweet smile on her face, Rey walked out of the trees. She wore her usual attire, bright white robes and her hair was down today. You swallowed the spit accumulating in your mouth just at the nervous sight of her, and took a step back yourself. 

“Good morning!” She cheered as she neared close, robes sashaying in the wind. She was as ethereal as could be. 

“Morning,” Ben smiled, back straight and shoulders aligned. 

Rey grinned at you, her infectious beauty soaking through your eye sockets and into your brain, a lightsaber snapped onto her belt. “Hi there,” She spoke to you as she neared closer. You and Rey didn’t know each other very much, a few words spoken in passing and likely she knew of you only through your friends. You felt she was oddly intimidating.

“Sorry to interrupt, Ben was  _ supposed  _ to meet me for meditation this morning.” There was a cheerfulness in her voice, zero hostility. 

He rose a brow, smirk pushing up into his cheek. “I apologize, her and I ran into one another and got distracted. She meditated with me.” 

Rey looked surprised, angling her gaze toward you. “Really? That’s great!” She exclaimed. “Congratulations on the new position by the way, Poe told me.”

“Oh thank you!” You said, maybe a little too loud. Did...Did Poe tell her anything else? Ben cleared his throat, signaling he could hear you. Wait- could Rey hear you too? Oh Gods, Oh-

“I believe it’s well deserved.” Ben cut into the conversation, your train of thought still rolling on as he spoke. “I didn’t forget about our plans, Rey.” 

_ What plans?  _ Shut up, shut up, shut up. 

“I didn’t think you did. I just came to make sure you were alright.” Rey spoke to Ben, a gentle glint in her eyes. 

You felt too much like a third wheel to this conversation even though you were very much a part of it. You swallowed the nervous back down to no avail. 

Ben nodded, his long hair falling into his eyes before he brushed it away. “Always.” 

She smiled at him, sending a shot of an emotion you couldn’t quite place just yet down the back of your neck. “Well, I’ll leave you to it. But in half an hour, we meet at the training course! It was lovely to see you,” Rey said your name with a soft wave of her hand. 

Just as soon as she appeared, she was gone back into the trees, leaving you with a thousand questions. Once Rey was fully out of sight, Ben took a step closer and you turned to look back at him with wide eyes. You’d basically given up trying to hide your emotions from him. Ben knew damn well how awkward you could be, whether you wanted him to or not.

“You’re not awkward,” He started, jaw softened. “Rey can hear  _ my  _ thoughts, not yours. Don’t worry about that.” 

Well that was at least a little weight off your shoulders. He then took one giant step forward, his chest mere centimeters away from yours, and your heart thoroughly halted to a dead stop. Your gaze trailed from his chest to his chin, all the way up to his hazel eyes that were staring directly down at you. His pupils darted from left to right, as if he was looking to find something hidden behind your irises. The smell of his skin was so  _ close,  _ so distinct to your nose yet you couldn’t exactly place the scent. It was a mixture of his sweet breath and maybe...mint? 

Your brain was suddenly so scrambled you couldn’t even have a logical thought if you wanted to. Ben was as close as he’d ever been, his height completely towering over you. He chuckled lightly, sending a whiff of his air into your sinuses. You tried to not let your head roll off of your neck. 

It was then he lifted his left arm out to face the creek, his elbow locked in extension with gentle fingers lazily pointed to the opposite side of land across the water. You looked away from his gaze for a mere second to watch as the bundle of flowers wrapped around the log began to shake, green leaves vibrating as one flower along with its stem, was plucked. It floated through the air slowly, your lips parted as you watched the flower make its way across the stream to catch in Ben’s hand. 

He brought the flower into the space between the both of you, his fingers held the bright green stem delicately as he looked over the shimmering blue petals. You observed closely as his fingertips twirled the flower around. Ben extended the flower out to you, eyes watching your face intently. 

You couldn’t suppress the soft sigh that escaped your lungs. The pads of your fingers ghosted over his own as you reached to take it from him, your breath catching as you overlooked the cute little flower. Upon closer inspection, the plant was a soft, pearlescent blue with the bases of the petals painted navy. In the center was its bright white floral disc attached to it’s fuzzy green stem. You huffed a gentle breath out through your nostrils, placing the flower behind your ear. 

Ben’s jaw tightened, glancing to flower in your hair. “It’s a Sundaisy. Native to mostly uninhabited planets with high humidity.” 

A Sundaisy. You didn’t know what to say, thankfully your brain could do the talking for you. You hadn’t even noticed you were holding his hand until you looked down to see his fingers interlaced with yours; not clasped around your palm, but in between each knuckle his long fingers sat. It was as if his sugar coated breath was making you drunk, head whirling in tight circles. You could hardly make sense of such an intimate gesture, that especially of one from someone like him to someone like you. The bloom in your chest for Ben grew a little bigger right then, something you’d worry about later when he wasn’t standing directly in front of you with his fingers wound into yours. 

Ben shook his head and the corners of his mouth creeped up to a grin, freckled cheeks shadowed pink. “Good thing it’s only me who can hear your thoughts, isn’t it?” 

You were too parazled to say anything back. He brought both of your hands to his shoulder height, examining the two of your fingers connected. “Go meet with Avex, I’ll see you soon, Pretty.” 

_ Pretty. _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;)


	6. Clarity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Going almost 48 hours without seeing Ben gives you too much time on your hands to think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!!!! I'm very sorry I was not able to get this chapter out by yesterday, the last two weeks have been pretty busy in my life and I wasn't given enough free time to write as often as I'd like. but it's here now! I think I am going to change my posting day from Tuesdays to Thursdays for the time being, just to allow me some extra time to get caught up on chapters. I really appreciate everyone's patience, and of course thank you so very much for reading and commenting and the kudos. I truly did not think this fic would get as much attention as it has, and I'm so so so happy people are enjoying it! I hope you all like this next installment and I will see you guys next week! stay safe.

CHAPTER SIX

It had to have been at least an hour. At least. Maybe an hour and a half, but not quite two yet. Honestly, you couldn’t tell anymore. The clock on your data pad was less than an arm's reach away, but the idea of time seemed rather stupid right then anyways. Instead, you tossed and turned in bed, staring up at the tent ceiling in the brief moments of flinging yourself to either side. 

It had been the first day since the return after Exegol that you hadn’t seen Ben Solo once. You meditated with him only yesterday, a day that had you still rolling through your own head. Every day for over a week, you’d conversed with Ben, and every day since the first, your growing friendship was becoming more and more stable. You couldn’t stop thinking about what he called you. Imperative…And Pretty.

His chest was so close to you, his gentle hand in yours, the glint in his eye. The Sundaisy Ben had given to you, sat on the night table beside your cot, pushed to the edge closest to your bed to allow you to look at it often. The petals had begun to wither, brown creeping near the tips of the daisy. But you wanted to keep it. Not until it fully wilted away, but possibly forever. You wanted to put it in between pages of a book or something, anything to keep it in your possession.

At the same time, you wished Poe was here. You wished he would at least have clarified what you meant to him before he left, if you even meant  _ anything _ at all, so it would give you a valid reason to stop thinking about Ben in a certain light. Your brain was flowing further and further away from you the longer you laid awake in bed. It didn’t make any sense, and if you were being honest with yourself, it almost angered you that your feelings were betraying you in this way. You’d wanted Poe for so long. Dreamed about his lips on yours, the gruff of his facial hair rough against your cheek and nose while your hands cascaded down the back of his shirt.

So when it came time, why didn’t it  _ feel  _ like that?

Perhaps at the time, it did. But moments after, the high faded and you were left empty. It was difficult to bring yourself to the possible conclusion of such emotions...Because when you were with Ben, it was like nothing else existed. Those dangerous thoughts about Poe...The world around the both of you was gone. Wrong and right, light and dark; it all melded into the same line. It was only the two of you, and strangely, that was beginning to be the way you liked it. 

You’d minorly noticed it before, but going over a whole day without so much as seeing Ben once made you explore the possibility a slight more. In the security and safety of your own quarters, you let the thought run around your brain one time. Were you beginning to _ fall  _ for  _ Ben Solo _ ? 

That could easily have been the  _ dumbest  _ thing to ever be done by someone, so naturally it very possibly could be something you’d get yourself into. Even so, the feeling would never be, and could never be mutual; so you pushed that thought straight out the window to allow it to fall to its death. 

But then you thought about the sultry tang in his voice in the clearing, chest so close to your nose that you could feel the heat radiating off of his skin, his eyes burning holes into your skull with a soft whisper.  _ “Good thing it's only me who can hear your thoughts, isn't it?”  _

An even scarier thought was the fact that you  _ did  _ feel this way, because no matter how hard you tried, you’d never be able to hide that from Ben. You were going to try for damn sure, you just hoped it would be long enough to allow the affirmation toward him to pass, for Poe to come back to base and things to maybe get back to a new normal. You only had four more days till he was home, and you could hold out long enough for that. 

In addition, because things could never be heavy enough, your meeting yesterday with Avex didn’t go all that well. It didn't go necessarily bad either, but most definitely could have gone better. 

_ “The work you’re doing is the same, only now you’ll send me your final daily work reports and I will handle them rather than you doing it yourself.”  _ You said to him, the absolute fakest grin on your face. 

Avex nodded, pencil stuck between his mouth as he spoke. _ “I don’t understand why that’s necessary,”  _

You began to feel irritated just  _ thinking  _ about that conversation. Yesterday was Saturday, so you didn’t need to meet him today, thank the Gods. But you’d see him tomorrow, and there was no doubt he’d give you a laundry list of his unmerited opinions on the matter. When Poe was to return, you’d speak to him about Avex’s misogynistic behavior. 

Until that day came, you’d try to keep things as civil as possible with Avex. No matter how much he pushed you, you promised yourself to not lose sight of the bigger picture. Maybe Poe would put an end to his behavior for good, leaving your new job easier than ever. On top of  _ everything else _ tomorrow was your first official Resistance meeting, and the added weight of it’s accumulating anxiety was making your brain feel too big for your skull.

_ Ugh. _

You shut your lids tightly and tossed to the opposite side in the bed for the thousandth time, determined to get the remaining few hours of sleep clocked in. 

-

MONDAY

The data pad on the table rang loudly, vibrating against the flimsy table top with a clatter. You didn’t even bother to open your eyes, hand aggressively patting the table to grab the thing. Accepting the call without so much as a glance as to who it could be, you pressed the pad to your ear. “H-hello?” 

“Hi, Kid.” 

You huffed, a smile pulling your cheeks up, your head still on the pillow. “Poe,” 

“Did I wake you? It’s almost 10, the meeting starts in an hour.” 

Was it really? You pulled the data pad away from your ear, glancing at the screen clock that indeed read it was nearing 10. “Uhm, no, no. I was just waking up...” 

Poe hummed into the receiver. “I called to wish you luck on the meeting, and to make sure you didn’t strangle Avex to death yesterday.” 

A tempting thought...“Well, he wasn’t very happy about my superiority over him. I can tell you that.” You sat up, rolling your neck and stretching an arm out. “He’s a sexist prick. You know, Rose told me he had an issue working with her as well.” 

“Finn and I will look into it when we return, I promise.” He said. 

You knew he’d keep that. “Okay...Thank you.” 

“Of course. Well, how are things? How are you?” He asked, a static coming through. 

You wished you could tell him honestly how you were, how your mind was defying you in kahoots with your feelings, how you slept a handful of hours the night prior with thoughts of him and your work and...Ben. But Poe was busy, the last thing you needed to bother him with was asking about his and yours labeling, if there even was any. “Things are okay.” You admitted, a chipper tone in your voice. “I’m okay too, a little nervous about my first real Resistance meeting today.” 

Poe said something to Finn that you couldn’t make out, his voice fading as he turned the phone away from his mouth before returning seconds later. “I know. But we’re helping out some friends, I’ll be home in just a few days.” 

A few days felt more like a few weeks. “Yeah.” 

“You got this. It’s not like you haven’t been to one of the meetings before.” 

Technically that was true. “Yes, but I was only there to accompany Kaydel. Now it’s an actual part of my job.” 

Poe scoffed into the mic. “You know, she told me you only liked to come to those meetings because you wanted to see me,” 

Your stomach dropped. Kaydel said  _ what?  _ “Are you serious?! She told you that?” 

“Whoops.” Poe laughed. “I was flattered.” 

“That’s literally the most embarrassing thing ever.” You flopped back down onto your cot, eyes tightly shut. Poe had known about your inclination toward him long before he made a move. It was exactly a secret that you’d had a crush on Dameron, but again, most of the girls on base did...You couldn’t help but wonder however, was that why Poe became so flirty, why he made a move in the first place? Because Kaydel  _ told _ him to?

“Are you sure it wasn’t falling off of the signal tower? That was pretty embarrassing for you,”

Your thoughts were overtaking, Poe’s words an afterthought as he spoke. The fall off the tower  _ was _ pretty embarrassing… “Thank you.” 

“I’m kidding.” He joked, the slightest hint of laughter in his voice. “Alright, I gotta get going here. We’ll be back in a few days, hang in there, Kid.” 

You sighed, wanting to get off the phone as quick as possible. “Be safe. Bye Poe.” 

The call clicked off and you let your data pad fall onto the blankets beside you. If you hadn’t been so nervous about the meeting, you’d have been fuming. You couldn’t believe Kaydel would say such a thing, especially to Poe. It felt like a violation of your friendship, whatever was left of it anyway. If she hadn’t said anything to him, would Poe have even attempted? He was very smart, there was little belief that he’d be that oblivious to your liking to him. You placed your pillow over your face, debating whether or not to scream into the stuffing and alert everyone on base that you were in a crisis.

Maybe you should, maybe Ben would come running.

Stop thinking like that. 

You threw yourself out of bed, slumping in front of your cot as you rummaged underneath it for your nicer pair of tan jeans. They weren’t nice by any means, but they were the least stained and tattered out of all your pairs. As you dressed, you tried not to overthink the meeting ahead of you; then again, overthinking was another superpower you possessed so that really went well. Poe was correct on the fact that you’d been to a handful of administrative Resistance gatherings to accompany Kaydel, but most times you sat in the back and watched from afar as they spoke about topics you weren’t very familiar with. Now, you’d be expected to actually pay attention and present your work in front of the higher ups.

That wasn’t even the worst part; the worst was that Kaydel would be there, and you two would have to pretend everything was okay when it wasn’t. 

The common area was bustling, as it usually tended to be most Mondays. You stood with your shoulder pressed against a ship-tracking kiosk as you scrolled through your data pad, attempting to appear busier than you were. Today you decided to try a little harder with your appearance, tucking your shirt into your pants and throwing on your Resistance logo jacket. Your hair however remained the same, brushed and gently laid down. It was undoubtedly frizzy by now, whilst yesterday was cool and breezy, today was already hot and humid, it wasn’t even noon yet. You wished Ajan Kloss could make up it’s damn mind about its climate.

Due to your late wake up, you didn’t have time to grab breakfast. The mess tent a hundred yards away was staring you down. You prayed your stomach wouldn’t be rumbling in the middle of the meeting. 

“Good morning!” Rose greeted as she snuck up behind you, dark grey vest with too many pockets to count sewn in over her tan shirt. “Are you ready?!” 

Not really. “Sure am!” You cheered fakely. 

Without a moment to spare, Kaydel appeared from the mess tent, hair buns spun on top of her head. She didn’t  _ look _ angry...yet. “Good morning.” 

You gave her a gentle grin, hoping it would ease the tension enough to get you both through the next hour. “Hi Kaydel,” 

Her lips drew into a straight line as she nodded once in your direction, before walking into the meeting area. 

Rose sighed. “So you two are still fighting?” 

“We aren’t though,” You leaned into Rose, voice low. “We haven’t spoken since Friday.” 

Her right eyebrow pulled up. “This seems very unlike the two of you.” 

She was right, normally your arguments didn’t last this long. “I don’t know.” You said simply, irritated at the subject all together. 

“What I can’t understand is why this topic is so bothersome to the both of you. It’s Ben Solo, not like either of you honestly care.” She paused, waving to a fellow soldier as he walked past. “You both just need to let it go, I need my friends back!” 

Of course you didn’t care. It was only Ben Solo. It wasn’t like you’d spent a decent amount of time with him in the last week and a half, talking about life and getting drunk together. And it  _ certainly  _ wasn’t like Ben had given you a flower after meditating together and then called you  _ pretty _ before taking off and you’ve yet to see him since. Was not like that at all. 

“Yeah, you’re right.” You lied, gut twisting uneasily. “Let’s just get this meeting over with and I’ll talk to her after.” 

-

“And with that, I’d like to welcome officially to the table, our newest communications supervisor!” Jen, a lead engineer, cheered across from you. The rest of the gathering joined in, and you put on a fraud grin. Jen gave you a half-bow. “Welcome. How are things in the docking bay? You’ve yet to meet with Dispatch, but you're scheduled for that this afternoon, correct?” 

Everyone’s eyes turned to you, awaiting your well thought out answer that was definitely through and...well thought out. “Uhm, yes I meet with my dispatch team this afternoon and will submit a report by this evening. The docking bay is well, all ship repairs from Exegol have been completed.” You’d save bitching about Avex for another time. 

“Excellent. I received your repair report last night and it was great, well done.” Jen said, the weight on your shoulders lessened thoroughly.

The remainder of the meeting went smoothly, they talked about a lot of stuff you weren't very knowledgeable in, mostly it was just ‘checking in’ with all of the departments. You sat in the seat beside Rose, Kaydel a seat away from her. Neither of you made much eye contact. 

The meeting was adjourned soon after, and you raced to the mess tent to grab a single fruit cup before running back, hoping to catch Kaydel on her way off to the remainder of her work day. But as luck would have it, she never showed. By the time you’d returned, she and Rose were both already gone, the meeting area left quiet with only Jen as she sorted through a file sat on her lap. You supposed you’d might as well head to the docking bay to continue your perpetual Monday suffering while you were at it. But first, you wanted to check in with Dispatch. Maybe they’d be nicer to deal with than Avex and his band of misfits. 

By the time you’d finished with work for the day, it was just past 7 in the evening. Meeting with the dispatch team was as hoped; a breeze. You’d met Urial, a senior operator, and his apprentice Ro, as well as two other members who spoke a language you didn’t understand. Luckily Urial was fluent and translated their introductions for you. He signed off on the files needed, cracked a joke that caused the whole team to laugh, and you were on your way. Even the visit to the docking bay was simple, Avex too busy to give you much flack about anything, he simply handed you the reports without even a glance in your direction. Which, while his dismal to you was fueling the fire in your soul kept for him, was easier to handle than his bickering. 

After helping a pilot named Raool, jumpstart an old speeder, and a quick stop at the mess tent for dinner to-go, you slumped onto your bed, mindlessly eating a blue pudding cup and toast with a book you intended to read, placed on your chest. 

Was this your Resistance life now? Meetings in the morning, work in the afternoon, a lonely dinner eaten in your tent, then to sleep and do it all over again. Without Kaydel to keep the fun around, things were becoming rather mundane. 

Describing your current life as mundane seemed kind of stupid now that you were thinking about it. You’d been engaging in a friendship with the former  _ Kylo Ren _ \- No don’t refer to him as that name. Ben Solo. You’d been engaging in a friendship with Ben Solo. Not to mention hanging onto General Poe Dameron’s arm in the strange, uncertain relationship you’d been pulled into. Along with a new job. Your life was anything but mundane, but even so without your best friend at your side, what was the point? 

You wouldn’t even be a soldier of the Resistance if it weren’t for Kaydel. Perhaps you should forgive her fully, for both her meddling with Poe and her ill-mannered comments about Ben. But then you’d have to continue to sneak around with your friendship with him, if that’s what you’d name it. Speaking of, what kind of friendship  _ entails  _ you having to sneak around? Suppose Ben was a special exception to that. 

You shed off your work clothes, tossing them into the dark corner of your tent without an afterthought, and crawled under the covers of your cot. Tomorrow would be better. You’d make sure of it. Maybe you’d talk to Kaydel tomorrow, or even better, she’d talk to you. And you’d read the book tomorrow...

-

A soft whisper of your name awoke you from sleep, a gentle hand placed on your shoulder. Your eyes fluttered open to your half-lit quarters, heavy lids blinking as the figure crouched at your bedside came into focus. Ben’s eyes met yours, and your heart pumped erratically at the sight of his hazel’s up close. You took in a breath. “Hi.” You greeted.

Ben’s face was gentle, warm eyes open easily as he looked back to you. “Good morning, Pretty.” 

It was much too early for him to be this sweet, your heart undoubtedly couldn’t take it. You pulled the blanket up to your nose. “I didn’t see you for two days.” You admitted, voice groggy. “Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine. Rey and I went on a meditative trip.” He said, and the mention of her name sent your heart sinking. His thumb ran over the sleeve of your t-shirt. “I wanted to tell you I was leaving but Rey had limited time. I apologize.” 

You couldn’t stop the yawn creeping up your throat, heavy eyes still foggy. “I understand, I was just...worried.” 

He drew in a breath. By the faint light in your quarters, you knew the time must be nearing sunrise. Ben brought his wrist up, checking the time on his watch. “It’s almost 6. I’m sorry to wake you, Rey and I just returned.” 

“I don’t ever mind being woken up by you.” You whispered. Dammit, you just  _ had  _ to make it weird… Wait- he  _ just  _ returned from a two day trip and your tent was the first place he’d visited?

Ben chuckled softly, sending a whiff of his breath into your face. Still as wonderful as ever. “I wanted to see you.” 

“O-oh,” You stammered, unsure how to react. 

His hand lifted off of your shoulder for just a moment, hovering over the blankets still pulled up past your lips. Ben’s face was expressionless as he drifted his hand up to your face as slow as could be, delicate fingertips landing in your hair as his palm rested along your cheek. 

That was all it took for the remaining breath circulating in your chest to evaporate, your blood practically halted in your veins. The pad of his thumb slid over the high of your cheekbone, and you couldn’t look away from his gaze if he’d asked you to. Ben’s hair was down in his face, white long-sleeved shirt hung loosely from his shoulders. He was looking at you with  _ something _ in his eyes, something you were too far gone to place correctly. 

His touch was not fire; it was not electric and it didn’t send jolts down your spine to your feet- that wasn’t it’s intention. Ben’s cradling of your face, the look in his eyes...No, this was something else. Something you were not familiar with but were beginning to  _ drown  _ in. 

Ben’s eyes flickered to your bedside table where your Sundaisy sat, droopy petals and diminished in the size it was two days ago. The tiniest smirk pulled up his cheek and he picked the daisy up, twirling the fraile stem in his free hand. “I’ll have to get you a new one of these, huh?” 

You smirked under the shield of your covers. You hoped he would. 

It was then that Ben’s face contorted, his brows pulling down his forehead and his jaw clenched tight. He appeared as if he was deep in thought, his pupils bouncing from your own eyes left to right. The pad of his thumb halted in its gliding over your cheek, his breath slowed as he exhaled a long sigh. You couldn’t help but take in a deep inhale yourself, the frenzy inside of your chest shamelessly begging for more of his air to blow down your throat. 

Ben’s lips pulled apart, exposing his top teeth to brush against his bottom lip. He paused for a few seconds before exhaling. “I wish I could figure out what you’re doing to me.” 

You didn’t reply, thought muddled with what he could mean by that. What  _ were _ you doing to him? You’d like to know the answer to that as well. While you were at it, figuring out what  _ he  _ was doing to  _ you  _ was equally paramount.

“I have a vague idea...I’m usually rather good at deciphering these sorts of things.” He admitted, eyes flickering upward for a moment. “However now, I don’t know.” 

Your mouth went dry as you looked back at him. You attempted to swallow your anxiety, throwing it away with a chuckle. “I’d try to help you, but I think you’re the better problem solver out of the two of us.” 

He smirked with a soft laugh. The sun was beginning to rise outside, the tent steadily growing in light. Ben’s face was clearer now, still half shadowed. “It’s not a problem. But when I figure it out, you will be the first to know. I promise.”

He let his thumb trace one more long stroke over your face before pulling his hand back into his own possession. It was immediate, the desire to have his touch returned. Ben still sat crouched beside your cot, hanging his head to the left. “I should go before too many others begin to wake.” 

The disappointment in your voice couldn’t be louder, but you knew he was correct. Soon the entire base would awaken, and the last thing you needed right now was Ben seen exiting your tent in the morning before work. “I know. Thank you for coming by.” 

He sighed, eyelashes gently batting at you. Without skipping a beat, he asked; “Do you want to have dinner tonight?” 

Your heart stalled, eyes drew wide. “Y-you want to have dinner?” 

“Mhm. Perhaps you could get both of our meals and we could meet in the clearing after you finish your work for the day.” 

Dinner with Ben, beside the creek under the setting sun. Literally nothing in that moment could have sounded more enticing. No matter what the context of this interaction, you were not about to decline. “I’d like that. Okay.” 

“I have a gift for you as well.” Ben spoke as he stood, towering over your laying frame. It never ceased to bewilder you how much larger he was than you- than most. “But you can’t have it until this evening.” 

Oh come  _ on. _ “That isn’t fair, I have to wait all day?”

“Life is not fair, so yes you will. It will give you a reason to keep me in your thoughts for the day.” He smirked. 

As if he already wasn’t a main character in your thoughts to begin with. Ben knew damn well. 

He hummed, a sly look in his eye. “Dinner.” He pointed at you before poking his head head out of the tent, looking left to right, and he was gone.

It was clear then, the blossoming inside of your ribcage was growing too large to keep hidden. Not from Ben, because it was practically impossible to hide anything from him to begin with, but from yourself. You’d denied it time and time again, pushed yourself to avoid those thought tracks leading you down that one specific road. Because if you didn’t acknowledge those feelings, they didn't exist. But the skin on your cheek was still warm from his touch, large fingertips could still be imagined in your hair. The softest, purest form of  _ something  _ in his eyes as he looked at you only minutes ago. 

It was no longer a question of  _ if  _ you were falling for Ben Solo, because you knew now for certain, that you’d fallen a long time ago. 


	7. Heavenly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You'd fallen for Ben Solo, he knows it, and everything is different now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! happy Thursday!! I know things in today's world are pretty hard, so I hope this fic and this chapter bring you guys some needed smiles. as always, your comments and kudos mean so so much to me so THANK YOU! I truly appreciate every single person who reads this little world I've written and I sincerely hope it helps make these tough times a little easier. please stay safe out there friends. <3

CHAPTER SEVEN 

Work could not have gone slower if you’d  _ tried _ . It was nearing 6pm, you were hungry, tired, your back was beginning to ache from standing all day, and quite frankly you were just aching to get this shift over with in order to get to your dinner with Ben. 

But because things could never be simple, that was far easier said than done. For a multitude of reasons, the work day was incredibly busy. Not just for you, but for everyone working in the aircraft divisions. Three pilots had returned from a supply trade, and due to all three of their ships priorly being used on the battle of Exegol, the Starfighters proved to need extensive hardwire readjustment to the control consoles- even after their initial repairs. Which meant Avex and his team needed to fit the repairs into their already busy schedule, which also unfortunately meant you had to spend an unnerving amount of time in his presence for the day. It was as if your new position unearthed a riot in his stomach, because the last few days, he was colder than ever. 

You stood at his workstation, flipping through a file report of the first Starfighter he was pulling in for repair. His blonde hair was hidden under a hat, his hands and shirt oil dusted along with streaks under his chin. Avex shot you a glare as he turned back, tool in hand as he scanned the underbelly of a canon. “Are you going to stand there and watch me all day?” 

Your level of patience was much too thin. “I don’t think I’d enjoy spending that much time with you, but thank you for the offer.” You sneered, having to keep a proud grin to yourself. “I need you to sign your engineer code on the log so I can submit it. You know, the thing I need you to do every time a ship comes in for repair that you seem to have an issue with?” You snapped back, caring less if he was irritated by it. 

His head hung to the side, a deep inhale sent his shoulders up. “I’ll get to it before the day is over.” 

“No, Avex I need it now.” You commanded, no longer willing to do things on his terms. You had other things to get to besides babysitting his work ethic. “It’s already late, and I have other things to do. Please.”

He sighed heavily, spinning on the heels of his boots that dug into the dirt as he stood. Without warning, he ripped the ship’s logging papers from your hand; tossing them onto the desk of his workspace before grabbing a pen and signing the bottom left corner. Avex rose one brow as he tossed the stack of papers back to you. Thank Gods they were stapled together, or else they’d gone flying all over the place and you’d probably have murdered him. You grit your teeth, did  _ not _ thank him, and trumped through the parked ships as fast as you could before your head exploded. 

By the time you’d handed Jen the ship log, it was half past 6, which unfortunately meant that you’d missed prime time for the mess tent. Your stomach gurgled, hopefully there would be a few goodies left. 

After clocking off for the day, you jammed your data pad into your jacket pocket and practically bolted to your quarters. The sun was beginning to set, the sky left a hazy orange above the trees. Ben didn’t specify a time to meet for dinner, so you hoped you weren't running late in any way. Your brain was jumbled, it had been all day, but now the reality of seeing Ben was setting in; and your mind suddenly couldn’t stop playing over the previous night's conversation. His hand rested on your cheek, thumb tracing faint lines. 

It didn’t feel real. Ben had a sort of dreamlike quality to him; to everything he did. 

Your feelings toward him had certainly shifted into overdrive last night, and you finally let yourself accept the fact that you were falling for him. How could you not? His long dark hair, delicate pale skin and pretty hazel eyes. Even without his appearance, Ben’s personality- his past- were what was really driving you toward him. He reeked of redemption and revival, of hope. But underneath the sheath of his new life, you’d known there was once a darkness that took a home within him. You’d hadn’t seen so much of a  _ glimpse _ of that darkness in the time you’d known Ben; but you wondered if it was still there.

However, when Ben was with you he said exactly how he felt. He shared personal feelings and experiences, encouraging you to do the same. That was one more thing. He trusted you from the very beginning, knowing that one day, you’d trust him too. 

It was simple when you broke it down. Ben made you feel like no one else had in a long, long time. Maybe ever. Poe came close, but that was very different.

_ Poe _ . You’d wondered what he was doing right then…

You had to remind yourself that feeling this was about Ben was not wrong. Your feelings were valid: always. Poe wasn’t your boyfriend, he’d kissed you twice and left on a sudden week long mission. He couldn’t possibly get mad at you for going on a date with Ben Solo. As if you’d tell Poe that anyway. Well...was it a  _ date? _

Ben didn’t say it was. You didn’t either. Perhaps it was just two friends having dinner together. People do that all the time! It wasn’t like you’d never done that with friends before. But remembering his hand on your cheek, declaring aloud that you were making him feel an unspecified way was causing your thoughts to shift more to one side than the other. 

_ Ugh.  _ You needed to stop overthinking it. 

You decided to change out of your work clothes and into something a little more...not covered in sweat and dirt dusted. A pair of tan jeans and a long-sleeved black sweater were the first things you pulled out of your bag, so they’d do. You also ran a brush through your knotted tangles and changed socks, and another swipe of deodorant under each arm just to be safe. 

The mess tent was practically a ghost town by the time you’d got there. The serving line was picked thoroughly through, all of the tables bare as one worker mopped in the far corner. You’d never seen it so...quiet. 

Your footsteps sounded much too loud when you walked in, grabbing a tray from the beginning of the serving line. Worry began to flow through you as you walked past each and every food container that was basically empty. Crumbs of toast and old slices of fruit lay in the plastic tubs, and at the very end of the line was a full container of saltine crackers and only one, very lonely pudding cup. 

Oh geez. 

You cleared your throat in the direction of the worker who was mopping. “Excuse me, sir?” 

His head popped up, a hair net over his balding head. 

“Uhm...is this it for the evening meal?” 

“That’s what's left of it.” He replied, bowing his head to continue mopping. 

“Well Ben, hope you like crackers…” You whispered to yourself, grabbing a few handfuls of the packaged crackers and taking the warm pudding cup with you. 

-

Branches crunched under your boots as you walked through the forest, crackers and pudding cup in hand. You felt so stupid it wasn’t even funny. Ben would laugh though...right? 

Soon the trees opened up, revealing the open clearing covered in patches of bright grass surrounded by warm dirt. The creek was quietly flowing, the sound of a chirping animal off somewhere in the distance. The setting sun was almost gone by now, dark purple melding into blue to reveal the scattered stars above. A hundred yards away, Ben sat. 

The smiling creeping up your face was impossible to hide. You held the crackers close to your chest as you walked to him, heart beating rapidly. 

Ben grinned, his pink lips into a curved line. “Hi.” 

“Hey.” You greeted, standing on the edge of a white blanket Ben sat on. He looked up at you, brows raised and eyes lit. “So, the mess tent was pretty picked through…” 

You extended a packet of crackers down to him, and the laugh that erupted from him almost sent your knees buckling. His teeth flashed up at you, his chest bouncing. “This is our dinner? Crackers?” 

“I’m sorry I worked late and I didn’t know how to contact you to let you know that I was working late and this is all the mess tent had left.” You said, feeling too embarrassed to admit. “I got a pudding cup too…”

Ben blew out a breath through his nose, a smile still stuck to his face as he extended his hand up to you. “Sit down,”

You did as asked, releasing the hoard of cracker packets onto the blanket before taking his hand and sitting across from him. He wore a dark sweater and dark pants, likely blue but it was too dark outside to quite tell. His hair was pushed out of his face and down his neck, waved to perfection. Ben took one packet and opened it delicately, taking a bite of one single cracker, leaving crumbs to fall down his chest. 

You followed, mostly just because you were starving, and took a big bite of a cracker as well. They were dry and salty, but rather good anyhow. When he looked back to you, you smiled again, lips coated in a salted dust. That got him to chuckle. You wished he’d laugh more often. 

“How was work?” He asked once his mouth was empty. 

“Busy,” You finished your bite. “Avex is getting on my last nerves though.” 

“How so?” 

How  _ wasn’t  _ he? Everything you did seemed to make Avex want to shoot himself. “He just...doesn’t like me. Never has and I don’t know why.” 

Ben hummed, another bite of cracker. “You believe he dislikes you because you’re a woman?” 

“I do. He had a problem with Rose once too, and I’m sure there have been others.” You took a long sigh, glancing up at the darkening sky. “I just wish he could pretend not to hate my guts every day so I could do the same.”

“You’re right to defend yourself, but don’t urk him too far. I don’t want him to snap one day.” Ben commanded, face carved into stone. 

That had you a little taken aback. Ben was always so concerned with your safety. “I know,” 

“You’ve spoken to Poe about it?” 

The mention of his name in Ben’s presence made your stomach feel a certain way. You nodded, grabbing another cracker. “He said he and Finn would look into it.” 

He crumbled a wrapper in his hands, balling it up and tossing it to his side to retrieve later. “I’m sure Poe will keep to that.” Ben turned his hips to face you fully, one long leg out straight and the other pulled up to his chest. “I brought your gift.” 

“Oh, right.” You said, acting as if you’d totally and completely forgotten. “You didn’t have to get me anything, Ben.” 

He smirked at the sound of his name from your lips. “I know. Technically, this is a gift for us both.” Behind his back was a tan satchel laid out on the grass. He retrieved it and placed it as his side. “Close your eyes.” 

You did as asked, listening to the sounds his hands made as they rummaged through the satchel. There was a small clink, followed by the sound of his bag closing back up. 

“Open.” 

You did, and in his grasp was a dark blue bottle with a blackish liquid inside. It was closed with a brown cork and looked almost too small in Ben’s large hands. You squinted at it. “Is it…?”

“Wine. Rey discovered it in one of my mother’s bags in her quarters.” 

Your heart sank. Ben just kept getting better and better. “You got us wine and all I brought were these lousy crackers...” 

Ben flipped the cork off of the bottle with a satisfying pop, extending it to you first. With one sip, you could immediately tell the wine was very aged, smooth and bitter and too warm. It stung down your throat with a delicious singe and you chuckled, handing it back to him. 

Ben took a large swig followed with a click of his tongue. “That has a bite to it, doesn’t it?”

You both passed the drink back and forth in content quiet for a little while, listening to the flowing creek and the wildlife around the clearing. The sky was now full of stars, leaving the clearing dim and cool. Most nights on Ajan Kloss were pretty warm, but every once in a while the weather would shift, and you’d get lucky with a chilly night. Everyone on base basked in it, taking advantage of the cool air before the next morning presented itself, bringing the hot back with it. You inhaled the crisp breeze. 

Ben passed you the bottle, his warm eyes narrowed up toward the sky. The effects of the alcohol were beginning to present themselves on your empty stomach, a nice weightless sway flowing through you. “What about you?” You asked him after a while, offering the wine. “How are you adjusting to life on base?” 

Ben thought for a moment, his fingers playing with the shoe strings of his boots. He took a slow sip. “It’s been difficult. I often find myself wondering what’s after this.” He said, and you turned your hips to look at him. “The Resistance won’t stay on this base forever. I can’t show my face here, let alone out there.” He nodded to the sky. 

That thought made your heart sink to the soles of your feet. You’d worried about this yourself, what would happen when everyone was re-stationed. You’d likely be paired on the same base as your friends, however the thought of Ben no longer around made you feel strange, uneasy. It wasn’t something you wanted to consider right now. “I don't want to think about that, not until I have to.” Without consideration, you placed a hand on his leg above his ankle, the closest piece of him to you. “Well you won me over, and trust me I hated you for a while. People will come around.” 

He scoffed, setting the bottle down beside his hip. His eyes glinted. “Maybe it was naive of you to allow me to win you over,” He leaned in a little closer, cocking his head to the side. “We hardly know each other. Perhaps I dragged you out here to have dinner with me so I could kidnap you.” 

You snickered, the alcohol in your bloodstream aiding your confidence. “I mean, we’re far enough out here that no one could hear my screams.” 

He nodded, dark hair falling into his face. “I might have to now, since you brought us crackers for dinner.” The side of his mouth turned to a grin.

You bit your lip as you tried to hold back a drunken laugh. He narrowed his eyes at you, and you narrowed yours right back, your hand still on his leg. “Ben Solo would  _ never. _ ” 

For a moment, you both just looked at one another. It was at this exact moment that the blossoming inside of your chest began to shake behind your ribcage, a signal of some unknown sort. You looked at Ben as he sat across from you, a piece of hair in his eyes as it tousled in the lightest gust of wind, his eyelashes batting easily. The beauty marks spotted across his face and neck looked as if they were placed with tremendous care, his lips parted from another in the slightest, white teeth peeking through only a little. Your breath hitched for a quick moment as you watched him. Ben was so handsome, it was almost too much. 

As if on cue, Ben’s lips twitched upward and he pushed the loose strands of hair back to his ears. It wasn’t a secret anymore to either of you no matter how much you wanted it to be, so you didn’t even curse yourself for thinking about him in  _ that _ light in a time you knew he would be able to pick up on it. The alcohol circulating through your blood likely wasn’t helping, but you didn’t care anymore. You wanted him to hear you. You wanted to get it off of your chest, and you knew it was safe to do so; even if he didn’t feel the same. Ben always made the difficult easy, the tough to explain effortless to convey. Your affection for him was no longer wrapped in confusion. It was justified, and to be right where you were at right then, was enough for you. 

Ben blinked, face stoic. He brought himself closer, scooting along the blanket until your knees hit, one bent to hit your shoulder as he encased himself around you. He spoke low and slow, eyes concentrated on your own that were looking right back at him. “Can I do something?” 

Your tongue unlatched from the roof of your mouth. Having him so close was disorienting. “What?” 

It was the next second that your heart began to slow, as Ben’s hand rose from his side to cup your cheek with the most feather like touch. His hand was large, his thumb on your cheekbone as his fingers lay gently in your hair. You watched him, wide eyed and unsure of how to react. His touch always pulled the strangest feelings out of you. Ben’s face showed no expression, his mouth in a line and glazed-over eyes determined. 

His hand pulled your face closer to his as slow as he possibly could, his hypnotic breath almost  _ too  _ potent. Your eyes fluttered as he sent a shot of his air down into you, it flew through your nostrils with a warm burn. Your brain couldn't fathom anything in that moment, lips parted as you took the sight of him  _ this close  _ all in. It wasn’t the first time, but it might as well have been. His eyes were magnificent, pools of dark brown and light gold melding together to create a color so glorious, you couldn’t help but get a little lost. Ben pulled back suddenly, leaving a few inches between either of your faces. You had to physically stop yourself from lurching forward; his breath not blowing down your throat was no longer an option. 

Ben did not pull his gaze from your eyes as he ran his thumb over your cheekbone, just like he did the night before. Your cheeks were so hot you wondered if he could feel it too. Hearing your thoughts, he grinned so softly that you felt your heart spasm.

He let out a long sigh, and muttered your name under his breath. “You are so heavenly.” 

Your head could have spun clean off your neck. You couldn’t believe someone like him could speak such gentle words. Ben Solo- the former Supreme Leader of the First Order, the man who alongside Rey, had saved the entire galaxy- just called you  _ what? _

“Heavenly,” He answered your thought. “You are like no one else.”

“Ben,” You whispered, but couldn’t finish your sentence even if you had known what to say, because Ben brought his free hand to your mouth, the pad of his thumb gliding across your bottom lip so gently it made your head feel too heavy for your shoulders. There was a raw emotion in his touch that you couldn’t have matched if you tried. 

“Shh,” He said.

He did not let another second pass. Ben brought his face back to yours and with the gentlest pressure and the least amount of uncertainty, he pushed his lips onto yours. 

His kiss washed over you with a wave of warmth, so soft, so full of care- like he worried he would break you with the tiniest push. For those few short seconds, Ben was anything and  _ everything _ . You were thrust so far out into an ocean you could no longer see the shore, and you were completely and utterly okay with that.

His lips parted against your own, and you could no longer breath. Ben’s head tilted to the left as he planted another delicate kiss on your mouth, one hand held your face still while the other placed softly against the side of your neck, his fingers rested on the base of your jawline. You kissed him back with everything you muster up despite your body in full shock. 

Hesitantly, you placed a hand on the back of his neck, ruffling his long hair between your fingertips to pull yourself closer to him. His hair was soft. He moved his palm to rest in the small of your back, his opposite hand still clung to the side of your neck. Ben pulled away with a quiet smack after another second, saliva coated lips glistening and time completely stopped. 

You couldn’t move, entranced by his gaze and his hand caressing your jaw. Your fingertips at the nape of his neck trembled, mouth gaped open as you tried to make any sort of sense of what just happened. Ben dragged his fingers along your jaw, pink tongue licking his bottom lip. Neither of you said a word for what felt like a long time. The silence, his eyes focused on your own, gave you a moment to align your thoughts. Ben had kissed you, you’d kissed him back; the alcohol in your system was  _ gone _ . In fact, everything was gone. His breath was supplementing you with the ability to breathe, your lungs begging for more. 

Ben chuckled, inciting the jumpstart of your heart. With a gentle press to your spine, he brought you back, only instead of meeting you with another kiss, he rested his forehead to your own. You watched his eyes close as he inhaled deeply, the fingers on your back caressing the fabric of your sweater. Breathing each other in, the wave of warmth returned, and the emotions that were seizing your chest suddenly released. The break of the clutch on your heart was enough to bring a tear to your eye. 

Before you could stop them, the overwhelming emotions became too much, and a trickling of tears escaped the corners of your eyes to run down your cheeks. It wasn’t sadness or hurt, you didn’t really know  _ what _ it was. Maybe it was the pure emotion shared by the two of you, and the most spiritual connection you’d ever had the opportunity of experiencing that had been created in the lieu of it. No matter, your palms held him a little tighter. 

Ben pulled his forehead back from yours, concerned eyes gazing over your face. “Don’t cry,” He whispered, and he gently dragged a knuckle over your cheeks. “It’s okay.”

You sniffled, looking up at him. “No, no, I’m sorry I don’t know why I’m crying.” You admitted with a hint of laughter on the tail end of your words. “Sorry.” 

His jaw tightened as he wiped away the remaining tears, his touch leaving warm streaks across your skin. “It’s alright, I understand.” 

Did he? Likely yes, Ben understood most things better about yourself than anybody. You prayed he wasn’t given the wrong impression. 

He hummed, the corners of his mouth turned up. “I told you, I understand. You worry far too much, Pretty girl.” 

You chuckled, the warmth in your heart circling. There was that dreamlike quality he embodied again. He was very right. Ben sighed, drew his hand down to the base of your chin to tilt your eyes back to his level, and kissed you once more. This time quicker than before, pressing his face harder into yours with a deep inhale from his nose against your cheek. You let yourself relax into Ben completely, and he gladly held you steady. 

Under the stars in the center of the clearing, the creek flowing beside and your lips pressed to Ben’s, you knew. You knew it in the furthest point at the bottom of your heart the day you’d seen him stumble out from behind that X-Wing; you wanted to be his. With his lips on yours, you wondered if he too, wanted to be yours. 

A chime beeped from your data pad then, and Ben pulled away. With an annoyed sigh, you unlatched your hand from his neck, digging your pad out of your back pocket to see the message displayed across your screen, as well as everyone else’s. It was an update from the communications team, a base wide alert. 

SCHEDULED ARRIVAL: 17:00   
GENERAL DAMERON/GENERAL FINN   
DOCKING BAY NORTH, AJAN KLOSS

Poe was coming home tomorrow evening; and you’d already begun to think of ways of how to tell him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;)


	8. The Agreement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Ben come to an agreement that requires some clean up on your end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone!!! first off, I want to say I'm very sorry for not being able to post yesterday! to be quite honest, I struggled pretty hard with this chapter. I had an entire chapter written, decided I didn't like it, and started completely over all within like, three days. It simply wasn't ready yesterday and I'm not even sure if I 100% like this new version I wrote. but, I think it flows well and gets a lot of the points needed across to the readers so I hope everyone enjoys! 
> 
> I also will be taking the next week off from posting, but I promise the next installment will be worth the wait! thank you everyone for your patience, as always thank you so so SO much for reading, leaving kudos and for writing such kind comments that truly make my day. have a wonderful and safe weekend my friends! <3

CHAPTER EIGHT

“Oh,” You sighed, vice gripping the data pad locked between your fingers. 

Ben’s hand was still placed on the small of your back, gently moving up and down the base of your spine with featherlight caresses. You couldn’t think about him touching you so effortlessly if you tried, because all you could think about was the fact that Poe was coming home; and all of the emotions that accompanied that terrifying realization. 

Ben squinted at you, clearly absorbing all of your thoughts. “Poe is returning,” 

“Yeah.” You said, clicking your data pad off. “Tomorrow evening.” 

“Hmm,” He hummed, fingers frozen on your back. Ben clicked his tongue. “It’s not like he was never going to return,” Your name followed the tail end of his words. 

You let your data pad fall face down onto the blanket you both sat on top of, brain scrambled with various prompts and ideas of how and  _ what _ to say to Poe when he returned. If you were going to say  _ anything at all _ . It was not as if you  _ didn’t  _ want Ben to kiss you, because by Gods you did, but it was rather that you needed to put the pieces of this strange puzzle of your life together before you could explain to Poe what you were feeling. You ran a hand over your face with a exhale, eyes fluttering open to see Ben’s hazel’s staring back at you. 

You grinned, still bewildered that  _ this man _ was in front of you, hand on  _ your _ lower back and  _ your  _ saliva still stuck to his lips. “I know that...I just don’t know what I’m going to tell him.” 

“About what?” 

_ About what.  _ Good question, Ben. “I mean...I wasn’t going to tell him about  _ this _ ,” You explained in a huff. “N-not what I meant. I just meant like…” 

“How you were going to tell him you are no longer interested,” Ben finished for you, his voice like warm satin. 

You thought on that. Was that what you wanted to tell Poe? That you didn’t want him anymore? “Maybe.” 

Ben released his hands from you, leaning his palms behind him on the blanket to support his weight. He licked his lips, his pretty face half shadowed. “Do you consider Poe your  _ boyfriend? _ ”

Oh  _ Gods.  _ No, you didn’t. Your throat felt dry as a bone. “I don’t...I mean,” 

“What do you mean?” 

Your thoughts were becoming too big for your head, your brain smushing against the walls of your skull. The alcohol effect was beginning to present itself again, your stomach aching. “I don’t know!” You said honestly, one hand in your hair as you thought. “I don’t know what he is to me. Just like I don’t know what  _ you  _ are to me.” 

Ben snickered. “I was hoping that kiss would clear that up.” 

If you weren't having an emotional crisis, you’d have cursed him for being so smug. “Well it didn’t, it made it worse.” 

“We’re friends.” 

“Friends don’t kiss each other. Especially not like that,” You admitted, eyes averting his harsh gaze. 

Ben scoffed with a laugh, replacing his hand on your lower spine, igniting the flame in your stomach once more. He tilted his head at you, beautiful black hair falling to one side. To have a face like  _ that  _ simply wasn’t fair.

“I see…” He began. “I can’t say that I ever truly believed that you and I would remain just friends.”

How long had he thought like that? You let your head fall down, chin rested against the fuzzy collar of your sweater. At what point did your life take this strange turn? Oh, you knew the answer to that. 

“I told you before, there has always been something about you. You have a unique way of allowing me to feel...normal.” He said.

You shook your head at him, eyes focused on his boot in front of your knee. “Ben, I think we both are pretty far from normal.” 

“I know.” He chucked. “But you make me feel that way. Like I am not just in remission.” 

“Because you’re not,” 

He spoke your name in a hushed tone, fingers delicately returning to run up your spine. “You did not know me before. I was much different only weeks ago.” 

You didn’t know what to say. He was right- you didn’t know him before. Talking about Ben’s former life as  _ Kylo Ren  _ was easier to think about than say aloud, especially right in front of him. It was almost too easy to forget that Ben wasn’t always...Ben.

He sighed, a whiff of his air entering your nose. “Your presence, whatever you would want to call it, centers me in ways I’ve yet to understand.” Ben pulled you towards him a little closer, his free hand traveling up to rest under your chin, applying gentle pressure to make you look at him. A warmth encased the both of you. 

“You make me forget about  _ him. _ ” 

_ Him.  _ He was referring to Kylo, and your heart seized for a moment. You didn’t know what to say, all you wanted to do was keep looking at him. 

Ben’s eyes glistened as the sky reached its peak of darkness for the evening, the glaze over his pupils shimmering in the light of the stars above. “That’s all I’m trying to do. Forget.” 

You couldn’t attempt to understand it more than he himself did. Why he for whatever reason was drawn to you, why you allowed him the release of his own inner conflicts. Ben and you barely knew one another; but it never felt like that. When the two of you were together, it sort of felt like a rekindling of an old friendship, filled with warm memories and inside jokes spread out over years. Of course, that wasn’t the case, but the  _ feeling _ of it was still there. A feeling that did not present itself in the form of your General.

It was all so clear, yet you couldn’t pinpoint the connection between it all. The alcohol certainly wasn’t helping.

“Tell me why you’re uncertain?” Ben asked, hand still under your chin. 

“Because I...I don’t know. I’ve been in love with Poe for...well, for like ever. And now that it’s happened and he’s in my life in  _ that  _ way, I don’t know how to feel.” You spoke honestly, eyes flickering away from his direct gaze. “And now that you’re in my life, I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.”

Ben hummed. “There is a difference between love and infatuation. I don’t believe you’ve ever been in love with Poe.”

Perhaps that was true, you weren’t in love with Poe. Maybe you were just in love with the idea of it, the possibilities of his love toward  _ you _ would bring. Your mind flashed back to that night in the woods, when Ben approached you for the first time and spoke about him. 

You wrapped your fingers around his wrist attached to the hand below your jaw. “The night we first met, you told me something.” You started in a rush, voice hardly above a whisper. “You told me that Poe had...different priorities. What did you mean by that?” 

Ben’s jaw locked into place then, his eyes falling away from you. His hand was still as stone on your jaw as you watched him, his reaction to the question sending a worrisome jolt down to your gut. After a moment, he returned his eyes back to you with the grit of his teeth. “I won’t lie to you.” 

“I’m counting on that.”

His eyebrows pulled together, a faint line in the center of them. “Poe’s true feelings lie elsewhere.” 

_ Hold up. _ “What do you mean by that?” 

He let out a soft sigh. “A woman off base.” 

You tried to make it seem like that _didn’t_ break your heart in two. Was Poe _lying_ the entire time? Or perhaps even worse; was Poe trying to convince his feelings _otherwise_ whilst using you as leverage? Your head was sent into a spiral. “That- that doesn’t make sense,”

Ben said your name, the pad of his thumb pressed against the side of your mouth. His grip tightened. “It is only because I can see it. I don’t mean to say he doesn’t..” Ben stalled, jaw tightening. “I don’t mean to say he doesn’t find you alluring, because he does.”

There weren't words to really convey what you were going through. Why would Poe pursue you if his feelings were elsewhere? You felt you shouldn't have been as irritated by it as you were, considering you’d just kissed another man. It was more...confusion than anything. 

“I apologize, my intentions were not to send you into an existential crisis.” Ben chuckled, hand falling from your chin. 

Without his hand to hold you steady, you felt as if you’d crumble right there in front of him. Ben lightened the hand on your lower back. “I’m sorry I kissed you, I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Ben, no,” You grabbed his wrist once more, pulling it back toward you. “ _ I’m _ sorry. I still am just trying to figure everything out. I wanted you to kiss me.” You said, as if it wasn’t blatantly obvious...

Ben huffed a breath, smile in his words. “Only because I am someone who can hear your thoughts; it was.” 

_ Great. _

Some time had passed, a few moments of gentle quiet between the two of you. Ben let his hand fall down your shoulder to your arm, fingertips gliding over the sleeve of your sweater until he reached your hand. Delicately as ever, he interlaced his fingers between the slits of your knuckles. He stared at the two of your hands interlocked in the dimly lit clearing, tired eyes focused. 

To put it simply: you were baffled. Baffled truly and completely by the fact that  _ this  _ person was suddenly an important member of your life. Ben Solo had proved since day one to leave you bewildered by his ethereal being, and right then was no exception to that. Even in your time of catastrophe, he had a way about him- a way you’d yet to comprehend- that made you feel...at peace. With your head spinning on your own personal problems, problems that you  _ knew  _ were incredibly miniscule in comparison to the things and hardships Ben had faced, he made it all seem valid. 

His large frame was hunched over as he looked at your hands, his broad shoulders gently rising and falling with easy breaths. Ben was unlike anything you’d ever experienced before, and there would  _ never  _ be another like him. 

And with that, suddenly you were petrified. As you gawked back at him, you became worried sick that he too, like Poe, would leave. That his intentions would lie with another person, and you’d be spun around this carousel again. Only this time, the heartbreak would be even worse than it was with Poe, because the immense blossoming in your chest was too big to stuff back behind your ribcage now. The line that was drawn had been crossed, your mouth still tasted of Ben, and it was too late to go back.

Without another second to pass, the rush of panic engulfed you, and you just simply asked him, “Where does this leave us?” 

He didn’t look up, hand frozen in your own with the back of his palm rested on your thigh. As the clearing grew darker, you couldn’t see him very well anymore. Maybe that was a good thing, because he couldn’t see how contorted in fear your own face was. 

Ben exhaled easily after a moment. “Where would you like this to leave us?” 

As simple of a question to answer that may have been, in that moment of pondering; it wasn’t. For so long, your life was mapped out before you. Join the Resistance, defeat the First Order, live a happy life with your friends, maybe even get lucky enough to have Poe Dameron love you back. No- you didn’t love him. But you’d checked off a few of those things off of your list already. However, sitting in the middle of a dark forest holding Ben Solo’s hand, all of your checkpoints for life dissipated into nothing. Everything that you had  _ thought  _ you’d wanted, you no longer did. But you knew whose side you wanted to be by to traverse the uncertainty with. 

Hearing your thoughts as per usual, Ben’s grip on your palm tightened. His voice was lower now, a gravely hum as the words left his throat. “We would have to keep it a secret.” 

_ A secret. _ The beating of your heart was beginning to eradicate so loud that it pounded in your ears. “Y-You mean like a...relationship?” You asked him slowly, needing him to confirm every single word leaving your mouth. 

“Yes, if you want.” 

Yes. Yes. Yes. Instantly, yes. But you were smart, you’d known it wasn’t that easy. You could keep a secret, but you could  _ not _ lie to Poe. “What do I do about Poe?” Better yet, you could most definitely not do anything like  _ that  _ to Rey. 

“Rey?” Ben asked, perking his head up to your level. “Do  _ what _ to Rey?” 

“You know what.” You confirmed in a whisper.

His shoulders rose as he straightened his back, hand practically glued around yours. “You think Rey and I are together?” 

Your nose crinkled, eyebrows pulling into one. “You mean, you two aren’t?” 

The air around the two of you was suddenly thinner as a laugh left his chest. His laughter was becoming your favorite new sound. Ben tilted his head at you, dark hair falling to the side to meld with the dimly lit grass beneath. “Rey and I are not in a relationship.”

Okay,  _ really? _ The entire base had accepted the idea of Rey and her new boyfriend Ben Solo. Accepted was the wrong word; it was more of merely toleration, a borderline joke. Had you worried yourself sick of something that  _ wasn’t even real _ ? Sounds about right. “What? You guys are a dyad or whatever. I thought-” 

“No. I told you before, you know nothing about that.” The tone in his voice shifted downward, a coldness soaking over his words. “She spoke of the events between us on Exegol at the meeting weeks ago, it was all true. Rey and I saved each other, and I do  _ love  _ her, but it is not how you assume.” 

Love; a word you weren’t sure was even in Ben Solo’s vocabulary associated with his personal emotions. His tone was beginning to puncture your chest, worry washing over you that you’d pissed him off. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to assume.” You said simply. 

Ben scoffed, flipping his hair out of his eyes. “Rey’s been inside of my head, believe me when I say that she is aware of you.” 

For whatever reason, Rey being  _ aware  _ of you made you feel uneasy. To be intimidated by her would be an understatement. But, you’d have been lying if you said there wasn’t an immense relief off of your shoulders after hearing that Ben and Rey were not together. The excitement, the possibilities, the gitty glee of your current situation was back in full force- were you now  _ dating  _ Ben Solo? 

Ben breathed out a nervous chuckle, you could feel his hand in yours shaking in the slightest. “I’m glad we have come to an agreement.” 

The glee couldn’t hold back the remaining worry for long, as you remembered Poe was returning tomorrow evening. Also, what the  _ hell _ was this about him being in love with another woman off base? The moment the General landed you’d sock him in the face. 

“No, you won’t.” Ben demanded, looking directly into your soul with his piercing eyes even through the dark. “You’ll tell him how you truly feel in a non-violent manner.” 

Never in your life did you think the former leader of the First Order would be telling you that violence is never the answer. You discreetly rolled your eyes. “You’re sure you want me to tell Poe  _ the truth _ ?” 

He lifted his head back, like lightning Ben’s hand reached back under your chin, pushing your eyesight to his own again. “Did you just roll your eyes at me?” He squinted at you, it was too dark to tell if he was kidding or not. “You can tell him the truth, just leave me out of it.” 

To be quite honest, Ben could have asked you to do just about  _ anything  _ and you’d have agreed if it meant this... _ classified _ relationship would be set into motion. Although you still were very unsure about how exactly to phrase your newfound emotions for Mr. Dameron, you were confident you’d figure it out. Well, like, 45% confident. At the end of the day, Poe was your friend before anything else. As for your relationship with Ben, you were determined to keep your friends and your job out of it. Likely a dumb intention considering your current living and work situation on Ajan Kloss; but you were going to try your damndest. 

This was it. Ben Solo was either going to completely obliterate your life, or make it well worth living. Whichever way that scale tipped, you were too far gone to turn back now; Ben’s sorcery had you entirely enthralled in him and every single thing that came with it. In that moment, really since the day he’d stumbled onto base, you were roped in. 

You placed your hand on his forearm that held your palm steady, warm skin radiating through the knit of his sweater. You took a deep inhale, heart ready to burst out of your chest any moment. If for some reason it did, at least Ben was close enough to catch it before it shot into the sky. With a gentle grin, you ran your thumb over his arm. “Okay.” 


	9. A Sense of Normalcy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaydel apologizes, and the Millennium Falcon brings home two extra people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!!! I wanted to say thank you to everyone for being so patient with these chapters lately, its been very nice to be able to take my time. with that being said, I think I'm going to keep it this way permanently. so I will be putting out chapters every other week from now on and I hope everyone is alright with that! thank you so so so much to everyone for reading, commenting and leaving kudos. it means so much to know people are enjoying this! stay safe out there friends.

**CHAPTER NINE**

Ben walked you home, the both of you in pleasant quiet as you gently stepped over twigs scattered along the ground, up over large moss blanketed logs. As you neared the edge of camp, your steps seemed louder than ever. The veil of secrecy placed over your newfound relationship with him was already proving to change the smallest actions of your life. Quieting your own footsteps as you approached the edge of the forest, Ben stopped you as you enclosed on the final trees, a hand around the small of your waist. 

The few lights still lit round base were dimmed, spread throughout the camp widely and leaving the section of tents where you resided rather dark. Ben tugged on your sweater and your eyes shot up to him. It was much too dark to see him at all, relying on your hands placed delicately on his forearms to guide you. His breaths were fast and soft as he pushed you closer into him, you could feel the beating of his heart through your fingertips. He seemed anxious. 

“I’m fine.” He whispered, palm laid flat on your back. 

You didn’t fully believe that. “I know.”

The urge to kiss him again before he left for the evening was very prevalent, but didn’t want to push your luck so soon. Instead you thought about it, knowing full well he could hear you anyways. Ben let out a breath through his nose, his sweet air filling the shrinking space between the both of you. His free hand trailed up your arm until it reached the peak of your jaw, his long fingers winding their way into the nape of your neck and he held you there, craning his head quite a way’s downward to brush his warm lips across your own. 

This was the first time you’d kissed him whilst fully standing, which meant even with him leaning down to you, you had to stand on your toes to reach him. It was proving easier every time to get lost in his kiss, your heart fluttered. Ben’s lips were  _ silk _ , so welcoming that you found yourself now fully leaned into him, chest to chest with your hands on the sides of his torso. The alcohol in your blood was declining rapidly, like he was sucking the content from your veins and replacing it with himself. You were grateful to be somewhat sober to remember this. 

He pulled back too quickly to your liking, hands still firm on you as he returned to his full height. He could barely see you, but you grinned at him anyway. “Will I see you tomorrow?” You asked, voice only for him to hear. 

Ben took his hands back to himself, leaving you feeling idle. “Tomorrow evening, I can come to your tent after dark.” 

You tried to brush off the jolt of excitement that induced. “Alright.” 

With a swift brush of his hand, Ben placed his fingers under your chin. His thumb swept over your chin. “Goodnight, Pretty.” 

You’d never, ever tire of hearing that. “Night, Ben.” You whispered back, watching him walk through the trees to the otherside of base where he resided. 

All of the times that you’d watched him walk away in a dark forest, this was the first that you’d walked to your own tent with a smile. 

-

The following morning came too quick, and you awoke with heavy eyes. From one of the most wildly exciting nights of your life to then then coming home and maybe allowing yourself just under 4 hours of sleep, describing your current state as exhausted would be an understatement. After a few allotted minutes of peaceful thought, you peeled out of your cot and ran a brush through your hair, changing into your work clothes before trotting outdoors. 

Work actually sounded enticing for once. Productivity was sure to come easy now that the uncertainty you were plagued with was diminished, allowing more space in your head for better things. You weren’t going to worry about Poe, at least not until the Falcon was landing. Sitting in the common area across from Kaydel at your daily Resistance meeting however, your thoughts shifted to be only of her and how much you missed your best friend. How much she would  _ lose her mind  _ if she knew what you and Ben did last night...What you and Ben were  _ now.  _

It almost made you want to laugh, her imaginary anger over the subject was a reminder to yourself that it was real, you and Ben were official. It felt dumb to admit to yourself, even more dumb about how estatic the thought made you; but it was true. It was something you were going to need to keep reminding yourself for a long, long time. But when Kaydel smiled at you from the seat across, your heart stalled.

No matter how much you missed her, even if the two of you made up forever, you’d _ never  _ be able to tell her about Ben - and that hurt. 

Jen adjourned the meeting a little early due to preparations in anticipation of the return of the Generals, directing for Rose and Beaumont to stay behind for a private meeting. Glady, you shot out of your seat in hopes of missing Kaydel, your heart tugging at you to turn around instead.

“Hey,” She said from behind you, and your feet were nailed into the dirt. “Are you free?” 

You turned on your heels, mouth pressed into a straight line as you looked to her. She stood, brushing the back of her pants off with her hands. “I have to meet with Lieutenant Darcy on the other side of the base.” She said. “Do you want to come with?” 

Oh geez. The other side of the base was where Ben resided. Surly if you ran into him for whatever reason, he’d keep his distance in public. Plus, spending some time with Kaydel  _ did _ sound nice...“Uhm,” You glanced behind you, then to Kay who’s hair was in a pretty braid crown. “S-Sure.” 

Kaydel put on a smile. “Yay.” 

The two of you walked side by side in silence and you kept your eyes on your boots, wondering if you should say something. Obviously you were  _ going  _ to, but it was more a matter of  _ what  _ to say. Luckily Kaydel spoke up first, clearing her throat to get your attention. “I miss you.” 

_ Gods.  _ The guilt punctured your blood like a stinging venom. But she was right, you missed her too. You decided in a split second right then and there that you would figure out everything later. For now, you wanted your friend back, and a little sense of normalcy was very, very needed. She waited for your reply. 

“I’m sorry,” She muttered. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you like I did. I’ve been wanting to apologize these last few days but I’ve been so caught up and well, you know how I can be.” Kay chuckled. 

Okay, now the guilt was in _full force_. What were you supposed to do? Kayel apologizing was a _rare_ occasion, so you soaked every bit of it up.

“I know, I’m sorry too.” You said simply, not wanting to go into further detail. 

Kaydel stopped, opening both of her arms to welcome you into an embrace. You hugged her back hesitantly, trying your damnedest to push that feeling of culpability far, far down. It would have been a lie to say hugging her didn’t feel good, she was a sense of home. Even though the meaning of that word was jumbled in your head lately.

Kaydel pulled back, her palm running along your leather jacket sleeve. “So, are we done fighting?” 

For now, you guessed so. “I’m sure we’ll figure out something else to fight about soon enough.” 

She squealed a sound of happiness. “Good, I’ve been dying to tell you about something…” 

“What kind of something?” You pushed. “What did you do now?”

She grabbed your hand and pulled you away from the common area, behind the same tracking kiosk where Poe had kissed you. You folded your arms over your chest, trying to focus.

“Nothing! Just over the week something happened and I need your guidance.” She said in a rush, hand on your upper arm. 

“Well, spit it out then!”

She bit her lip, her lips pressed together. “So...Rose and I  _ kissed. _ ”

Wait-  _ what?  _ What?! “You and Rose kissed?!” You exclaimed maybe a bit too loud. Kaydel shushed you, glancing for wandering eyes.

“Sorry.” You whispered. “Oh my gosh!” 

Kaydel nodded furiously. “Yes, on Monday night. I almost went to your tent to tell you.” 

“I’m really happy for you.” You said honestly, bringing her back into a hug. She’d never really spoken about an inclination toward Rose, and it had been a long time since Kaydel had been with anybody. She tended to lose herself in work, and as everyone knew, being a part of the Resistance didn’t allow much time for extracurricular parts of life. Still, you were thrilled for her. 

You wished you could tell her about Ben. You wished you’d  _ told  _ her about Poe. 

“Thanks. We haven’t really talked about it much, but I think tonight her and I are going to have dinner.” She said. “It was just me and her in my tent after work, and one thing led to another and I don't know...It was just really nice.” 

You genuinely hoped it would work out, she and Rose were close to begin with and you knew they would make one another happy. “Well, I want to hear how it goes.” 

Kaydel shrugged her shoulders, her camouflage poncho wrinkled as the waist with her belt wrapped around. “I’ll call you afterwards.” 

The both of you continued your walk to the opposite side of base, chatting about Rose and how your new work position was going. You were honest, telling her that the new job was rather simple, but that Avex had made your time spent with him worse than ever. 

“So, have you spoken to Poe at all?” She sang his name, eyebrows waggling. 

_ No.  _ You did  _ not  _ want to speak about Poe right now, certainly not so close to the other side of camp where Ben could clearly hear you. Your feet halted into the dirt and you held a hand out to stop her. Maybe Kaydel could give  _ you _ guidance on your own relationship problems, if you pieced together the story carefully…

You glanced around the area for a moment, not that anyone mildly cared about you or your personal issues in the first place, but now that Poe was a General, you didn’t want to talk too loud. “I actually wanted to tell you about that.” 

Kaydel’s eyes went wide with excitement. “Oh about  _ what? _ ”

You sighed, running a hand down the back of your hair. “Well...the night we got into that fight about Ben,” You immediately wished you’d kept his name out of the conversation. Luckily Kay didn’t flinch. “So Poe came up to me and he kissed me in the docking bay.”

Her jaw almost dropped to the floor, both of her hands vice gripping either side of your arms. “Are you serious?” 

You nodded. “Yes, and then we kissed one more time before he left and it was great don’t get me wrong,” 

“But?” She asked. 

“But it wasn’t…” You took a moment to think of how to properly phrase this. “It wasn’t what I always thought it would be. Well, maybe it was when he first did it. But now, even right after it happened, I’ve felt different.” 

Her eyebrows pulled together, eyes softening. “Different how? You’ve been in love with Poe for a long time.” 

There was that word again. “No. It wasn’t -isn’t- love. It was almost better just secretly crushing on him. Now that we both acted on it, it’s not the same.” 

“So you liked him until it happened and now you realize you don’t?” She inquired. “I’m confused,” 

So were you. “It isn’t that I don’t like him because I do…” You waited a few seconds, debating whether or not to bring it up. With Kaydel you knew it would be safe, and she knew Poe much better on a personal level than you did. “Can I ask you a question about him?” 

Kaydel rose a brow. “About Poe? Yeah?” 

“Do you know anything about a woman he was involved with outside of the Resistance?” 

She glanced upward, clearly in thought with a hand on her hip. “Uhm, not that I know of. Did someone tell you something like that?” 

Yeah,  _ someone. _ “Sort of. Not that it matters, I just wanted to know if he was…” You let out a long sigh, shaking your head in annoyance. “If he was only pretending to be into me for whatever reason.” 

“Oh.” Kay rubbed your shoulder with her palm reassuringly. “Don’t ever sell yourself short. I know that Poe was interested in you.” 

“Speaking of!” You placed your hands on her shoulders tightly, angling your eyes down at her as you remembered you and Poe’s phone conversation days ago. “Poe told me that  _ you _ told him I only went to your Resistance meetings to see him!” 

Kaydel’s mouth pulled up into an apologetic grin as she took a step backwards. “To be fair, that was a while ago I said that, and I only told him because I wanted Poe to talk to you.” 

You couldn't believe you’d almost forgotten. She was lucky you were over it already. “I’m not mad, I just can’t believe you’d tell him something like that! When Poe told me that I about died of embarrassment.”

“I’m sorry, I was trying to help. Anyways back to our problem at hand,” She pulled you forward, dragging you to continue your walk to the other side of base and ushering the conversion off of herself. You’d bug her more about it later. “I think you should talk to Poe about how you’re feeling. He’s a smart man, he’ll understand.” 

Would he? “Maybe.” 

You both reached the opposite housing area of camp soon after, passing through the quiet tents hand in hand with Kaydel. In the distance of the far right corner, tucked under a tree was Ben’s tent, the door clipped up and a pair of boots sat outside. You were glad to see there was no guard there today, the base had a rumor that Ben’s tent was heavily watched. In the one time you’d been to this side of base before, it wasn’t - and you doubted it to be true in the first place. Rey would watch him, hell, she could hear his thoughts so she'd know before anything, if and when he was going to lose his shit. That seemed pretty far fetched anyway. 

You smiled in the direction of his tent and thought in your head. “Hi Ben.” 

Near the farthest edge of this side of base was a large tent with an antenna transmitter poking through it’s roof. Kaydel peeked her head inside and greeted Lieutenant Darcy, who stood from her desk in the center of the tent to meet the both of you outside. Darcy was a tall woman with short blonde hair and pretty freckles strewn over her cheeks. She was a little older than you and Kay, crows feet pulling at the edges of her bright blue eyes. 

“Good morning Darcy!” Kay said, leaving your hand to rummage through her jacket pocket for her data pad. 

You took a step back, eyes trained on Ben’s tent out in the distance as Kaydel and Darcy discussed something you weren’t listening to. You’d only come along for company, so you didn’t need to pay attention anyways. Not a second later, you saw his head poke out of the tent, a mass of black hair yards and yards away. The smile that grew over your cheeks was almost too much and you turned your back to Kaydel as your cheeks rushed pink. You discreetly waved a hand to Ben. 

Even from this distance, you could see the small grin pulling on the corners of his mouth. He put one hand up, gently waved his palm before retreating back into the safety of his own quarters. 

Maybe this secrecy thing wouldn’t be so hard. You and Ben could see one another after dark or maybe early mornings, have meals in the clearing and spend your nights talking in your tent. You both could continue to live your lives as you did currently, like nothing ever changed in the first place. That was enough for you for now. To know that at the end of the day, he’d be there waiting for you. As for what the future held, you tried not to think about it at least  _ too  _ much.  _ Live in the moment  _ you kept telling yourself.  _ Stop stressing, look at the man you’ve been lucky enough to have a part of your life.  _

Kaydel was taking  _ forever _ , but eventually she finished up her meeting with Darcy, and the both of you walked back to your own side of base. She chatted a little more about Rose, again asking for your additional advice on the subject, and you asked for her advice on easing your encounters with Avex. 

“Don’t let him get to you so easily, that’s what he wants.” She said, urging you to stand your ground which you thought you’d done well enough at; always room for improvement. 

Once you both had reached back to the common area, you said your goodbyes for the day to continue on your work tasks. In under an hour you had a meeting with the communications team, and of course had to stop by the docking bay which you were determined to get out of the way before Finn and Poe’s arrival. Last thing you wanted to do was have your hands around Avex’s neck while the Falcon was landing. 

You stopped by the mess tent for a quick lunch bite, and on your way back to the communications area, you’d passed by Leia’s quarters. You passed her area almost daily, but most times you avoided the sight of it just to save yourself the mind space that the thoughts of her would take up. It was not that you didn't  _ want _ to think about Leia, because you did; but you found it difficult to think about anything other than the fact that she was no longer here. Thinking about her death was painful, even more so now that you had Ben, knowing that he never truly got to say goodbye and neither did she. 

Maybe that wasn't true. You didn't know the Force the way either of them did, so maybe she did get to say goodbye, maybe Ben did too. You’d like to think that was true. Besides that, you simply  _ missed _ her. Leia was such a mentor to you, and although you didn’t know her as well as Rey or many others, she held a place in your heart that would always be there. You just wished you could have gotten to spend more time with her while you’d had the chance, learned as much as you could from the greatest there would ever be.

But there was no point in dwelling on the past. You had too much ahead of you to worry about, let alone worry about things you did and did not do. If that was the case, you were sure your head would explode into a billion pieces from the worry. Everything happens for a reason, and you believed now more than ever in the Force and its counterpart Fate. You took a bite of your fruit as you walked back to the Coms station. 

-

You placed the book in your hand back into your shoulder bag, stuffing the leather-back sleeve under some various scrolls of paper. Not much on base  _ wasn’t _ technologically advanced, but there was something artful about writing in ink on paper, keeping notes in a journal. It wasn’t needed whatsoever, the data pad in your pocket could do twice as much in a third of the time. But it was calming to write down your activities for the day and keep track of work on a physical piece of stationary rather than typing onto a screen. 

“Have a nice evening,” You greeted Urial as he walked by, communication’s headset still stuck to his ear. 

The remainder of your work day went by rather fast, you finished your needed activities and even had enough time left over to help out Urial’s apprentice, Ro, with a few tasks on her agenda. She was a sweet young girl, a lot of potential that was effortless to see. You even debated speaking to Jen about seeing if Ro could be bumped up to a permanent position on the communications team. You’d talk to her perhaps tomorrow.

The alert came on your data pad with a loud chirping beep. It spread throughout the entire base, a chorus of chimes echoing through the common area. You knew what the alert was without needing to look, a shuffling of people all jogging down to the docking bay. The Falcon was descending into the atmosphere; Poe was home. 

You debated avoiding the bay all together, avoiding  _ him  _ all together. Maybe if you hid out in your tent for a few days, Poe would forget about you. Even the thought of that made your stomach twist. You didn’t  _ want  _ Poe to forget about you. 

Kaydel walked past then, data pad up to her ear and a smile on her face when she and you locked eyes. She pushed the pad away from her mouth to speak. “Hey, let’s go!” 

_ No thanks,  _ is what you wanted to say. But you were anything but a coward. 

Okay maybe sometimes a coward; but not right now at least. Kaydel’s arm interlocked around yours and the two of you trudged down to the bay, your throat closing tighter and tighter with every nervous step. Above your head was the bright blue backlight of the Millenium Falcon, lowering into its designated area beside the trees. Leaves utop the trees rattled in the wind as the ship descended to the dirt, avoiding the scattered Starfighters parked neatly through the bay. Kaydel hung up her call, placing the data pad into her jeans pocket. 

C-3P0 waddled past you, shiny golden armor reflecting off of the setting sun. “Come along BB-8, Master Poe and Finn!” 

BB-8 followed right after, kicking up dirt as he rolled by. You chuckled at the beeps he sang, ball spinning across the ground toward the ship. Rey passed by the two of you then, a greeting to Kaydel as she passed. She even greeted  _ you. _

“Evening Rey!” Kay greeted as D-0 shuffled past her boots.

“H-Hi, Rey.” You sputtered out, surprised she even said anything to you at all. Were the two of your friends now? Yes, right? You didn’t know if you wanted that to be true yet or not. 

The lowering ramp sounded a hiss as it unlatched from the ship, slowly creeping its way down as the hydraulics expressed smoke. Once it hit land, Chewbacca exited first, waving at the dozen or so people watching with a happy gowl. Finn walked out next, a head nod to a pilot observing as he handed Chewie something in a pouch. 

And then, Poe exited. 

But he wasn’t alone.

Following behind him were two people you’d never seen before. The first was a young man, couldn’t have been more than 20, brown hair slicked back and black vest over his shirt. Beside him stood a tall woman wearing a maroon colored jumpsuit and a shiny gold helmet over her head. 

“It’s Zorii!” Kaydel shouted. 

In the deepest part of your stomach, you’d already known who the woman Poe was involved with must be. And she just landed on your base. 


	10. Forelsket

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe is back on base, accompanied by two new guests, one of which is a former lover of his. You and Ben share a late night conversation that has the both of you realizing what your relationship is truly becoming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello!! thank you all so much for your patience and I hope you enjoy this chapter! as always, thank you everyone for reading, leaving kudos and commenting. it means a lot! stay safe out there friends. 
> 
> also, look up Forelsket. ;)

**CHAPTER TEN**

  
  


You stood there motionless, studying at the new visitors on Ajan Kloss that were alongside Poe and Chewie. The woman named Zorii was tall and skinny, a golden pistol hanging from her belt. She walked with a sashay in her gait, hips swinging lightly with every step. The man beside her had no expression on his clean-shaven face, his hair pushed back with the palm of his hand. 

There was no obvious guarantee that this woman was who Ben referred to when he spoke of Poe’s attraction to someone off of base, but there was a feeling in the pit of your stomach - one that dug its way as deep as possible into the darkened pit, housing itself for the pure purpose of making you writhe with discomfort - that made you just  _ know. _ You watched Poe glance back at her once, a smile on his face as he hugged Rey momentarily. Kaydel ran up to Zorii and patted her shoulder, chatting with her over the buzz of the crowd and the hiss of the Falcon still warm from flight. 

You recognized that you should not have felt so irritated by the turn of these events, you had no reason to; your focus was shifted to Ben now. But the fact that Poe had felt certain ways about this woman  _ while  _ certainly engaging in...whatever it was that the two of you were engaged in, was unsettling. Not for any reason other than, were you not good enough? 

Was anyone good enough for the General of The Resistance? 

The anger began to rise in your gut, smoke billowing from your stomach up to float out of your mouth as Poe caught your eye. He had a lopsided grin on his cheek, arms held out in front of him to hug you. Only to avoid a scene, you allowed it. His hair was sweaty and curled on top of his head, chin and cheeks stubbled with specks of grey. Even being as irritated as you were at him, Poe was certainly cute. 

“Hi Kid.” He said when he pulled from your embrace. 

You fakely smiled at him, lips pressed together. “Hi.” 

“Miss me?” He squeezed your hip, inciting a jump from you. 

If only he knew. You tucked your chin into your chest, averting from his gaze. You didn’t know what to say, you weren't ready to have  _ that _ conversation right now in front of all these people. Instead, you took a breath and reminded yourself that later, you’d have the strength. It was okay to not have it right now. “Glad you made it back safe.” You said. 

Poe’s head leaned back a ways, obviously sensing your uncertainty. “Thanks.” 

With that, you turned on the heels of your boots and walked away from the docking bay as fast as you could, tears welling in the corners of your eyes. Once you were far enough from the bay and wandering gazes, you let yourself go, the tears falling too fast for you to catch them as you ran to your tent. You zipped up the door and took a seat on your cot, staring up at the vinyl ceiling. 

Poe was a dream for so, so long. You had been granted that dream for only a few days, but it was enough to have you completely immersed, high on the reality that Poe Dameron, General of the Resistance, was enamored by you. But that dream was short lived, perhaps even prolonged by your own imagination. It was hollowing, shaking you down to the very center of your core to realize it - you were merely a distraction. A pacifier, only soothing when needed and or convenient, one day to be tossed when you were no longer necessary or when something better came along. You'd been played, and although none of it mattered anymore, the hurt that realization left was enough to break your spirit down to the bone. 

The worst part of it all, was that even after all of the heartache and the carousel of emotions Poe was putting you through, you still felt for him. 

You let yourself cry for a little bit, quiet tears streaming down your cheeks as you let your mind wander. This was necessary, everyone needs to let go of those bottled up emotions housed behind your ribcage every so often - no matter how stupid or uncessary those emotions are - they deserve to be felt. 

A chime from your data pad rang on the bedside table, the light from the screen illuminating your darkened tent. Once unlocked, your data pad read one new message; from Poe Dameron. 

_ “Are you alright? You barely said hello. Kaydel told me you weren’t feeling well.”  _

At least Kay made up a somewhat believable excuse for you. You stared at the message screen, debating what to say back to him- or say anything at all. It was easy to make up your mind about telling Poe how you truly felt when Ben was standing right in front of you. However, with Ben not there, it was more difficult than you’d like to admit to tell Poe good riddance. 

You wiped your eyes and took a breath.  _ “Yes, just not in the mood to be part of the welcome wagon.”  _

Poe wrote back a few moments later.  _ “Why are you upset with me?”  _

Good question. _ You know, because you were priorly involved with a different person rather than myself and that person is now here on our base, where they could easily snatch you away from me, which doesn’t make any sense because I’m already engaged in a relationship with the former Supreme Leader and _ \- 

You stopped yourself there. You didn’t want to start that just yet, not until you knew for certain that Zorii and Poe were together, despite the feeling in your gut that it was already confirmed. Instead, you typed back:  _ “I’m just tired. Can we talk tomorrow?”  _

_ “Did I do something?”  _

Yes...No.  _ “Goodnight, Poe.”  _ You typed back.

You clicked your data pad off and tossed it to your bedside table, sounding a clink as it knocked the lantern’s metal base. Although speaking to Poe like a normal person would have obviously been the correct action to take, you’d decided for the time being to just avoid him. Confrontation was  _ not _ your strong suit, and the mere thought of even speaking to Poe right then made a headache conjure behind your eyeballs. With a huff, you reached under your cot to retrieve your work notebook and began to fill in additional pieces to the history journal you were writing. You didn’t get very far in, your brain too jumbled to write down accurate and sensible words. 

Some time had passed when your data pad rang again, and you groaned as you picked the device up, expecting a message from Poe that you were going to pretend to ignore. Instead, Kaydel’s name was listed across the screen in a call, and you pressed accept on the very last ring. 

“Hey,” 

“Are you okay? Sorry I ran off, I just had-”

“It’s okay, and I’m fine.” You cut her off, following a gentle sigh. 

She took a second before replying. “When are you going to stop lying to me? You’re my best friend, you act like I don’t know you. You’ve been different lately, I’m worried.” 

Of course you’d been different, that was for certain. But Kaydel had noticed, and it made you wonder if others had too. “R-really I’m fine, there’s just been a lot going on with the new job and everything.” 

“I know.” Her voice crackled through the receiver. “Did you talk to Poe at all?” 

“Kind of. I don’t really want to get into...all of that right now.” 

Kay hummed. “Well, Rose and I are still going to have dinner at the mess tent. I'm sure she wouldn’t mind if you came with.” 

Although that did sound enticing, you declined. “No, go ahead. I’ll catch up with you tomorrow at work.” 

Kaydel sighed. “Okay, we’ll figure this all out. Try not to stress over Poe so much. Have a good night.” 

As if that was remotely possible right now. “Yeah...Have fun.” 

Click. 

-

After some time spent reading in an attempt to keep your mind busy, you checked the time on your data pad that read just past 9pm. Ben said he would come by after dark, and you were anxious to see him. The turn of events of the day were stress inducing, and all you wanted to do was curl up in bed with a good book. You flipped through to your bookmark, resting your head against the flimsy headboard of your cot. The book was an older story written by a veteran, telling his experience of working alongside the Resistance during the war on Endor. You’d read it once before years ago, but it was just enough of a good read where you didn’t have to pay your full attention to it. 

It wasn’t five minutes later than there was a rusting on the outer side of your tent, causing you to jump. Quickly, Ben unzipped the outside of your quarters door and stepped inside, zipping the door behind him. You laid the book flat on your blankets you laid underneath, smiling at him as we crouched to avoid his head hitting the roof. 

“Hey.” You whispered, sitting up a little. Just the sight of him was comforting. 

The lantern on your bedside table was lit, casting the shadow of his body on the opposite wall. Ben wore a plain black shirt and matching pants that appeared to be more of a pajama material. Ben was in his sleep attire. His hair was messy and pushed out of his eyes, a watch on his wrist. He took a seat on the floor at the side of your cot. “Hi.” 

You tried to control the thoughts rushing through your head to save you some embarrassment. He looked so...domestic. Like he wasn’t this powerful Jedi with the weight of his former allegiance to the darkness on his shoulders. Ben looked normal, cozy, and it made your heart flutter. 

Ben scoffed quietly, your intention to keep your thoughts to yourself failing miserably. “It’s nice to see you, too.” 

“How was your day?” You asked, laying down in bed to get a better angle of him. 

His face was a foot away from yours, turning his eyes to face you. You wondered if you’d ever get over how stunning his hazel’s were. “It was uneventful, I spent most of the day with Rey. Tell me about your day.”

Oh boy. “Well Kaydel and I are back to normal now which is really nice. Seeing Poe however...was not.” 

He hummed, his voice low. “Rey told me Zorii and a young man by the name of Cayde were brought back this evening.” 

You sighed. “Yeah...” 

He turned his chest to fully face you, resting his elbow on the mattress. “You’re still upset about it.” 

“Well...Sort of. I just feel stupid.” You admitted, eyes glancing the back of your head for proper words. It was hard to articulate full sentences with Ben so close. “You know how I feel on the matter of that, so…” 

Ben let out a breath. “You aren’t stupid.” 

“I sometimes disagree with your opinion on that very much.” You joked. 

“The only reason you disagree with me is because you are stubborn. You know very well that you are not stupid.” He whispered, eyes locked onto you. “I don’t like you speaking so low of yourself.” 

For some reason, that made your stomach twist. “I feel the same way about you.” 

“ _ I  _ have a legitimate reason to.” He said. 

“Another opinion of yours I disagree with very much.” You replied in a quiet, snarky tone.

His shoulders rose and fell, eyes focused on his own hands that were lazily resting beside you on the blanket. Ben pulled himself back, resting his head against the side table and faced his body forward. “Even having the ability to read your mind, I still find myself wondering why you’re still here.” 

Ben’s tone was shifted, the corners of his mouth dropped as he looked out into the emptiness of your quarters, his mind obviously in thought. It had suddenly occurred to you, that Ben was baring himself wholly.  _ This  _ was who he was currently. A broken, battered man on his path to forgiveness, unsure if at the end of it all lied any. 

“You’re in  _ my _ tent, Sir.” You joked, hoping to ease his sudden tension. That got you a hint of a smile from him. You brought the covers closer to your neck, looking him up and down for a moment before releasing a shaky breath held in your lungs. “You know how I feel about you.” 

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean I know  _ why _ .” He said quietly, lips parted easily. 

You supposed you didn’t know  _ why _ either. It was difficult to articulate it to him in a way he would understand, not that he wouldn’t be able to understand anyways- Ben was quite possibly the smartest person you’d ever met. However, explaining how you feel to the person you feel for was tricky to begin with. You chuckled, deciding to take a lighter approach. “Have you seen yourself, Ben?” 

He blew a breath through his nose, angling his head backward to rest against your side table, exposing his long neck out to you with his tired hazel eyes. “I have, my appearance doesn’t help me understand.” 

You let out a soft sigh, stomach fluttering at this sight of him. The bedside lamp casted over his face and neck as he lay under it. Ben’s eyes blinked at you slowly, and you physically had to remind yourself to breathe. Did he really not see himself the way you did? He must have, you aren’t  _ that  _ attractive and not know it. “You're kind of unreal.” You admitted, hiding your mouth behind the blanket pulled over your chin. 

“So that’s it, you’re only attracted to me for my stunning good looks?” He teased. 

You prayed your face wasn’t cherry red. “Well, I guess your personality is okay too.” 

Ben smiled then, teeth exposed as a scoff left his mouth. He turned his head to look at you, the apple in the center of his neck protruding. You watched as his eyes bounced left to right, staring into your irises with a focused look. Swiftly, he turned his hips toward your cot until his full body faced you. 

“Can I lay with you?” 

Your body felt like it was draining blood, pooling in the center of your mattress to drip to the floor. His voice was so low and sweet you could hardly breathe. An automatic reaction, you sat up and scooted toward the wall of your tent, inviting Ben to come up beside you. He crawled up the cot and gently took a seat, stretching his long legs onto the foot of the bed and resting his head on half of your pillow. The cot was much too small to comfortably fit one person, let alone two - even more so for someone of Ben’s size. His shoulders pressed against your chest as he lifted his arm, a silent invitation to lay your head on his chest. 

If you hadn’t known better, you would have thought this was some cruel dream. But the warmth radiating off of his skin so close to you, the sound of his shallow breaths were enough of a reminder that he was real. You blinked at him nervously, your motions cautious as you let yourself crawl as close as you possibly could into his side, carefully lying your head on his peck with your fists balled into your chest. Touching him so delicately felt like something you needed permission for. His arm fell into place around your back, gentle hand rested on your lower hip. 

“This bed is a bit too small.” Ben joked in a whisper. “Are you comfortable?” 

You could feel his breath blowing onto the top of your hair. It didn’t matter if you were in the universe's most comfortable mattress or asleep on the tip of a sharp cliff - even half hanging off of the cot, you couldn't move if you wanted to. So long as you were granted the privilege of being in Ben’s arms in any way shape or form, you were content. “Mhm.” 

The tent fell quiet, the sound of his even breaths became quicker. “Are you alright?” You asked him hushed, fingers still locked into a tight fist that rested on the bottom of his ribs. 

“Yes.” Ben answered. “I’m just...new to this.” 

New to  _ what? _ “What do you mean?” 

“This,” He used his free hand to motion between the both of you. 

You tried to look up at him from your spot on his chest, eyes straining. “Oh.” You thought about that for a second. Had Ben never been in a relationship? _ No way.  _

He scoffed quietly, crossing his ankles at the edge of the cot. “I told you, I’m new to many things, Pretty.” 

The thought of Ben not knowing  _ everything  _ was strange - he always spoke so eloquently, had knowledge of things you’d never heard or considered. You sighed into his shirt that smelled clean. You prayed you wouldnt turn into a puddle of sweat from your betraying nerves. “So you’ve never been in a relationship with someone? You haven’t…” You trailed off, hoping he’d get the hint. 

Ben laughed a little, his chest bouncing. “The way of the Jedi is to practice celibacy. After my turn to the dark, I found myself with little time for romantic affairs.” 

You tried to fathom that. How someone like him could have never experienced that kind of love. Woah- you stopped yourself. Don’t even  _ think _ about that word around him. “So, was I your first kiss?” 

He grinned, sending out a whiff of breath. You could feel his lips move against your hair, the side of his face pressed into you. “No, but you are the first of my other things.” 

_ My.  _ A flurry of warmth swirled inside of your stomach. Being Ben’s  _ anything  _ sent your head spinning. “L-like what?” 

“You’re the first person, beside Rey, that I’ve...opened up to. Really, the first person beside her that wanted me to.” He said truthfully, his hand still as stone on your spine. 

You could listen to him talk for hours anyways, but talking about you specifically? You’d never hear enough.

Ben continued with a shake of his head. “You’re the first person I’ve gotten drunk with. The first person I’ve _ laid  _ with like this.” 

His left hand rose from his side, painstakingly slow before he pulled the blanket away from your face. You let him pull it all the way off, leaving it to rest at the base of your hips. Ben let his hand trail up from your shaking wrist, all the way to your lips encasing your mouth that was suddenly dry as a bone. The pad of his thumb glided across your bottom lip, tracing its outline effortlessly. You watched his fingers carefully as he did this, unable to look away from his touch. He was pushing your consciousness further and further out, if he kept this up, soon you’d be too far gone to think straight. He then propped himself on his elbow, angling his gaze down to your body that was frozen still, and pushed his lips to yours. 

Ben’s kiss was gentle, his pleasant lips warm and smooth. Better than any drink or drug you’d ever take, his breath and saliva and his hand on your jaw - he was  _ everything.  _ You kissed him back, hands still kept to yourself in fear if you touched him back that he would pull his lips back to himself. Ben had so much to offer, and somehow you’d been lucky enough for him to share a little bit of himself with you. If he were to get up and leave right now, you could have been content with that. As long as he’d give you a few extra moments of his lips on yours to hold you over forever. 

He pulled back, his lips still ghosting over yours as he spoke, eyes met yours. “I don’t think I could leave if I wanted to.” 

Your breaths were shaky, your eyes still closed as Ben’s hand dragged down from your jaw to your shoulder blades under your sleep t-shirt, his long fingers making their way to your hip, where he wrapped his palm around to rest in the small of your back, pulling you as close as he could to his own body. As swiftly as he could, Ben unfurled your fingers in a fist, and instead of placing your touch onto himself, he wound his long fingers into the slits of your knuckles. 

You lied there with him, heavy breaths and eyes locked on one another, trying to mentally file this moment into a specific part of your brain, determined to never, ever let it slip your memory. Ben’s eyes were open easily, glazed over as he blinked at you, pink lips glistened with your remnants. It crossed your mind for a millisecond, a split flash of thought - how did you get here? How did you, someone so small in the vastness of the universe, time every action and decision you ever made to get to this very spot, hands intertwined whilst lying next to a man you never once  _ dreamed  _ of belonging to?  _ Did  _ you belong to him? Your heart certainly did, even if Ben didn’t know it. Likely however, he did, because he seemed to know just about everything. 

It occurred to you in that momentary train of thought, that possibly every step along the way of your life, was leading you here to this exact moment, this precise place emotionally and physically. Maybe everything about your life was placed intricately by fate; or perhaps its counterpart, the Force. Could it have been, that every step you took in your life was to lead you to Ben? 

You could see it in the look in his eyes, feel it in his touch and in the sound of his voice, that Ben needed you. He was lost for so long, stuck in recovery from a traumatic series of events that caused him so much pain and anger, that  _ he  _ caused to many others. The talk around base was that Rey should not have brought back Kylo Ren, that instead he should have perished on Exegol after sacrificing himself to save Rey and the galaxy. It was apparent that that was true. Kylo Ren  _ did _ die on Exegol, he perished the way he was  _ supposed to.  _ Kylo Ren was never meant to live. But Ben Solo was. 

Hearing every thought racing through your head, Ben’s brows pulled together with a crease in his forehead, eyes glossy and throat swallowing what you assumed was an emotion of some sort. It was then you unlatched your hand from his grip, and ever so carefully rose it to hover over the side of his face. You touched his cheek so delicately you almost couldn’t feel the skin beneath your palm, but when you ran your thumb over the high of his cheekbone and brushed against his bottom eyelashes, a streak of a tear was left behind. 

It was clear then, like having a hazy vision all your life to put on a new pair or seeing glasses, Ben’s face inches away from you, his hair disheveled all over the place and his eyes allowing a single tear to fall, that yes, you were led to Ben. 

But it was also clear that perhaps, Ben was led to you. 

You kissed him slow, nose pressed into his cheek gently, palm still stuck to the side of his face. The taste of salt hit your tongue from a single stray tear falling from his eyes, and you made sure to shut your lids tight. You didn’t want to see him cry. Your lips pulled away with a soft smack, his hand holding you close as you simply breathed him in.

Ben needed you, and just as much, you needed him. 


	11. Night Terror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Ben experience a close call after a night terror of his, and you still won't talk to Poe. At least Kaydel's love life is going well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all so much for reading, commenting and leaving kudos. you guys are so rad. have a great week everyone!

**CHAPTER ELEVEN**

  
  
  


You kissed him eagerly, eyes shut tight as you moved your lips against his. Ben took in a deep breath against your cheek, his hand roaming up and down your side underneath your loosely fit shirt. The feeling of his palm running along your bare skin was remarkable, the fire he was igniting under his touch was delicate and warm, fingers leaving trails of  _ something _ that your head was too far gone to comprehend.

“Stop,” You whispered when you pulled back, moving your mouth to kiss below his eyes, salted lips from the very few tears he let escape. “Stop crying, please.”

He inhaled a stuffy breath through his nose. You still had yet to open your eyes, not wanting to see him in any distress whatsoever, and not wanting him to feel embarrassment from allowing his emotions to flow. It was a moment of gratitude, however. You were thankful that he felt comfortable enough to be this open with you, and all you could think to do, all that you  _ wanted  _ to do, was comfort him in any way possible if you were able. You had some idea of what could be going on inside of that head of Ben’s, but the reality was, the tremendous pain and sorrow he felt could not be matched by your own experiences no matter how hard you tried.

Holding the title of the former Supreme Leader of the First Order, responsible for hundreds of  _ thousands  _ of deaths, the unfixable sorrow and pain felt among so many people, had to hold an immense and dark place inside of your chest and head. A pain that not any amount of  _ love _ , medication or self help could solve. Ben would likely hold this guilt forever. 

You hoped you could ease him in the slightest, placing your right hand over his ear. “Ben, honey,” Calling him  _ honey  _ sent your own heart aflutter. You kissed his cheek again. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know how to help you.” 

He took in a small breath, hand still on your lower spine. “Open your eyes,” He spoke your name, inciting a warmth in your stomach. 

You did as asked, opening your closed lids to look at him directly, eyes wet and nose pink. Ben was still so close, a shaky breath leaving his chest to blow down your nostrils. He pushed his palm into your back a little harder. “You do help me, more than you know.” 

“I mean that.” He said simply, voice barely above a whisper and the look in his eyes didn’t shift once.

His vulnerability was unreal, the tone in his voice was so soft and low, you wondered if anyone else had heard it like this. If Ben ever was truly  _ this _ unguarded with someone. Maybe he was never given the opportunity. But it was clear that Ben trusted you, and as someone who could quite literally  _ read your mind _ , that meant something. 

You sighed, fingertips brushing across his hair. His black, messy locks were soft and a tad greased, you rubbed your fingers along his scalp. “I need you, Ben.” You glanced away, his gaze almost too strong to hold and tucked your chin into your shirt. “I hope you understand how much that’s true.” 

“I do.” He said. 

It was apparent then, that  _ you’d _ rarely expressed your feelings in this manner. Perhaps to Kaydel a number of times, but that was different. Never with someone like Ben; in such an intimate setting, lying in bed with a person, hands gripping onto one another for dear life and emotions flying everywhere. But Ben made it seem easy, seem right. Like the way you felt not only about him, but about everything, was important. His fingers rubbed up and down your spine, and all you could do was breathe him in.

You didn’t want to get into an intense existential phenomenon right then, and you promised yourself that you’d think this over later, but it was clear as daylight that lying beside him, secretly engaging in this rendezvous in the protection of your own quarters, that you were falling in love with Ben Solo - and there was  _ no  _ going back. 

Ben bit his bottom lip, hand moved to cup your ear. The pad of his thumb rubbed your temple. “You should sleep, Pretty Girl.” 

He raised his hand toward the bedside lantern, using the Force to dim the flame encased inside of the glass. It was completely dark then, and you closed your eyes as you brought yourself as close as you could to mold in with his body. You lie your head on his chest, Ben’s hand still stuck to the side of your hair. His warm skin radiating under his shirt and the gentle sound of his even breaths were so soothing, it didn’t take you long to fall asleep. You held on to the side of his t-shirt as you drifted, hand gripping a fist full of fabric. 

-

The next morning, you awoke with heavy eyes, taking in a deep breath as you stretched your free arm. The tent felt warm, your legs begging to be freed from the encasing of blanket you laid underneath. Your eyes fluttered open to a dimly lit quarters, the side of your head damp with sweat. Once you could see fully, you looked beside you to see that Ben was still there. 

His mouth was open, silent breaths as he slept peacefully, one hand hanging off of the cot, the other held behind your head. 

You’d slept together the entire night, the kink in your neck signifying you didn’t move once from your place on Ben’s chest. Glady, you’d take the ache in your spine anyday if meant you got to lie on him all night long. Sighing, your tired eyes widened fully open as you gawked at him sleeping beside you. How anyone could sleep with half of their body hanging off the side of the bed was a mystery to you. Even so, he looked content in his slumber, a patch of sweat on his t-shirt in the perfect shape of your head.

Work began at 8am, and by the looks of the sunlight peeking through the tent, it was nearing the time of your alarm. Sleeping in a little longer whilst lying with Ben was unbelievably tempting, but you knew if you fell back asleep, you’d be late. Instead, as not to wake him, you peeled yourself up from his body and reached over him to retrieve your data pad that lay on the bedside table. The time read 6:44am. You scrolled through your notifications, two of which were from Kaydel. 

_ “Oh my GODS you’re not going to believe what happened with me and Rose tonight!” _

_ “We’re OFFICIAL!!!!!”  _

You grinned to yourself, knowing just how happy Kay must be. She had a girlfriend for the first time in a long time, and you knew how excited she was. Today, you’d find out all the details about their dinner and get a full story. You tried not to dwell on the fact that you couldn’t tell Kaydel about Ben...For now, you needed to get up and start your day. 

Careful, you crawled over Ben’s sleeping body to reach your bag on the floor beside the tent entrance, rummaging through for your pair of tan jeans and plain gray quarter-sleeve shirt. Once you were dressed, you ran a brush through the tangled mess of your hair, opting to pull it into a lazy bun for the day. 

Whilst applying your sunscreen from across the tent, in the corner of your eye, you watched Ben’s body twitch mid slumber. His shoulder quivered, hips turning to his right. “Y- You’ll...“ 

You turned on your heels immediately. “Ben?” You whispered. 

His breaths began to escalate, body twitching. “Don’t,” 

“Ben,” You said, realizing he was still deep in sleep. Oh Gods, this was a night terror. “Ben,” You walked toward him. 

Ben’s face was contorted, his lips trembling. “No, no!” He shouted, and you darted to the bedside. 

You wondered for a moment if you should wake him, the old wives tale to not wake a sleep walker flashing across your mind. But when his eyebrows turned down, his face contorting to a fearful grimace and his hands balling into fists against his chest, your stomach dropped. Hands gently placed on his shoulders, you applied gentle pressure. “Ben, wake up. Ben!” You half shouted, still cautious about your neighbors overhearing anything. 

Ben groaned in his sleep, tears beginning to drain from his eyes, body shaking violently. His mouth opened, teeth clenched together and his breaths became rapid and shallow, sending a jolt of fear down your spine. You didn’t know what was worse, Ben feeling this way, obviously terrified and in pain, or the fact that none of it was real. 

You shook his massive shoulders a little more, desperate to wake him. “Ben! Ben!” 

With a sharp inhale, Ben’s eyes shot open, his left hand shooting out from his side, long fingers extended as you watched his fearful eyes. It all happened too fast. You rose from your bedside, feet dangling three feet off of the floor as the pressure encased around your throat. You desperately attempted to inhale, your own hands launching to clasp around your neck, clawing at the sudden squeezing pain that was taking over you airway. 

“B-Ben,” You tried to say, vocal cords straining. 

You looked into his eyes, a trembling hand out in your direction, and did not see the eyes of your Ben Solo. 

Just as quick as it happened, the pressure was released and you dropped to the floor on your knees, gasping the air around you. Your eyes darted to Ben who sat up on your cot drenched in sweat, hair stuck to his forehead and the whites of his eyes watery and bloodshot. His mouth was trembling as his body shook, throwing his long legs over the side of the bed. 

He spoke your name under his breath. “I...I-I’m,” 

Fear wasn’t exactly the feeling that washed over you, but there was a hint of it. It was shock, confusion, and worry. Your hand rubbed the front of your neck that was sore, like you’d been screaming for hours. You stayed on your knees on the dirt floor of your quarters, unsure of what to do next. 

Ben shakily crawled down from the cot, dragging his knees across the ground to kneel in front of you. If anything, the way Ben looked was more alarming than what he’d just done. He looked petrified.

He said your name again. “I’m so sorry, I don’t...I didn’t-”

You swallowed the mouthful of accumulated spit soaked over your tongue, eyes fluttering as you attempted to come back to reality. Ben kept his hands to himself, one palm face up on his thigh as he kneeled in front of you, examining his fingers with a careful eye. 

“It-It’s okay,” You began in a soft voice. “Just take some breaths.” 

He did as told, inhaling deep intakes of air, his hazel’s were wide as he blinked repeatedly. 

“I’m sorry, I haven’t had one like that in some time.” Ben croaked, looking up at you after another long breath. “Are you hurt?” 

You ran a hand over your throat, a dull ache. “No.” 

With a soft hand, you reached out to set your palm on top of his sweat spotted wrist. You felt the muscles under your touch tense up, a knee-jerk reaction to pull himself away. Ben shut his eyes. 

“Tell me how I can help.” You spoke, dragging your thumb along his cold skin. 

His eyebrows pulled together, lids shut tight to show the crows feet at the corners of his eyes. “I need to go.” 

“Ben no,” You tried to stop him before he stood, but in a flash he was out of your tent door, the vinyl entrance piece flapping in his wake. 

-

You sat on the edge of a large log, notebook closed gently in your lap as Jen began to talk to Beaumont about an assignment she had for him. Kaydel sat beside you listening intently, Rose to her left. Poe Dameron stood across from you, blue quarter-sleeve shirt unbuttoned and his curly hair tousled. His arms were crossed in front of his chest, chain dangling from his neck. 

He made eye contact with you multiple times, averting his gaze quickly once you caught him looking. You still had no clue what you wanted to say to him. Actually, that wasn’t true you  _ did _ have some idea, but how to go about that idea was still a mystery. You wanted to know where Zorii was. If she’d slept in his quarters last night, if he knew what you knew. 

Besides how much of an ass Poe Dameron could be, you couldn’t stop wondering if Ben was alright. You’d barely had time to process what even had happened, how the Force was used against you in ways you’d never imagined. The Force had always seemed like such a delicate, gentle energy associated (naively on your part) with only good intentions. However, this morning you’d discovered that was not always the case. 

Ben’s night terror had caused him so much fear, sorrow and pain that he reacted in perhaps the only way he knew how, with violence. Maybe he didn’t know better, in that moment of pure fear he resorted to what he knew best, a defense mechanism. 

Did you catch a glimpse of Kylo Ren? 

The worry began to take over. Not that he would continue to react in these sorts of ways, you’d lost your airway for mere seconds before Ben was back, and he was incredibly upset he had done so. That wasn’t your concern, now, your concern was that maybe  _ you _ didn’t know how to help him in a way he desperately needed. 

That was not going to stop you from trying. You would do whatever it took to  _ attempt _ to help Ben. The look in his eyes hours ago was enough to convince you that you never, ever wanted to see that look on him again. 

“Hello?” Jen broke you from your trance, mind flickering back to reality where your fellow Resistance soldiers all stood, staring at you who was too deep in thought. 

“Oh,” You said, glancing around the meeting area. “I apologize, what did you ask me?” 

Thankfully, Jen grinned. “I asked if you had the reports from the Communication’s team from yesterday, I never got your submission last night.” 

_ Shit.  _ You’d forgotten to submit your work for the day yesterday. You rummaged in your pocket for your data pad, fumbling through the applications to your work submission page. “I’m so sorry Jen, I got...caught up last night.” 

Poe eyed you carefully, his head cocked to the side. Kaydel had a similar look on her face as well, it was rare you ever missed deadlines for work assignments. Jen nodded, a gentle gleam in her eyes. “No worries, life happens. Just submit it to me by the end of the day today, alright?” 

“Yes Ma’am.” You replied, avoiding the rest of the group's wandering gazes. 

You could feel Kaydel’s worried eyes on your neck the rest of the meeting. Once Jen adjourned you all for the day, you shot up out of your seat, intent on avoiding Poe at all costs. With Ben’s issue this morning, all you could think about was finding him and making sure he was alright. Poe and who was in his bed tonight could wait, there would be plenty of time to argue with him. 

But because things could never be that easy, mid-sprint you were caught by the arm and whirled around to see the General, his jaw set as he squinted his eyes at you. You sighed, of  _ course _ . 

“I’m really busy Poe, I’m sorry.” You pulled your arm out of his grip and began to walk away. 

He said your name, gently returning his palm to your bicep. “What is going on with you?” Poe asked, his voice irritated. The stubble over his cheeks was grown out quite a bit, the grays speckled in it prominent. “You said we would talk tomorrow, and it’s tomorrow.” 

You did say that didn’t you? Well, that was before Ben had a total freak out and you spent the entire morning non-stop worrying over him. And forgetting to turn in your work that you were now behind on. “I know, but I’m really busy and behind from yesterday’s deadline that I missed so I can’t do...this right now.” 

“What exactly is  _ this _ ?” He gestured between the two of you, hand still on your person. “I feel like you’re avoiding me, and I want to know why.” 

Your annoyance began to rise and you pulled your arm out of his grip. “Go ask Zorii, I’m sure she has a good answer for you.” 

Turning on your heels, you shot Poe a glare as you spun, boots heavy as you began to walk away. 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” He shouted. 

You didn’t turn around. You had work to do, and a Ben to make sure was okay. And a head to clear. And zero patience. 

“Hey!” Poe yelled, jogging to catch up to your stride. 

You sped up your gait a little faster, eyebrows furrowed as you tried to ignore him. For whatever reason, that was proving to be very difficult. 

He gripped your shoulder once more, attempting to turn you around. This time, you grabbed his wrist and threw it off of you with maybe too much force. “Stop that!”

Poe’s jaw tightened as he stumbled back a step, a confused look on his contorted face. “What does Zorii have to do with this?” 

“I could ask  _ you _ that same question, General.” You spat, thankfully most of the people around hadn’t seen to take notice of your argument. Brushing the front of your jeans with your palms, you stood up a little straighter and tilted your chin up. “I have work to do.” 

He called your name out once more, standing still in his place as Poe watched you walk away. It took a lot for you to not turn back around, to not keep the conversation going and to not completely lose your shit in the middle of the common area of base. Tomorrow you would do it. Tomorrow you would talk to him, for  _ real.  _ You’d tell him that you know about him and Zorii, and you’re no longer interested in engaging in whatever it was the two of you were doing before he left. Tomorrow. Today, you had many other things on your plate. 

As you continued your walk to the opposite side of camp, you wondered if Poe was serious. Was he  _ that _ daft? You knew that couldn’t be true. Poe was very smart, was he just oblivious? Sure, the both of you were not engaged in anything serious, but if you had wanted that to be your intentions with him, you’d be heartbroken fully by now. 

A thought popped into your head then, one you weren’t sure would even be worth trying. Rey knew Poe very well, fought directly alongside him and was a great friend of his. She would know about Zorii. Plus, she  _ must  _ have known about you and Ben, since Ben basically told you that she lived inside of Ben’s head as he did her own. Did that mean she heard  _ every  _ thought that went through his head? Did she hear private thoughts and witness  _ private  _ actions like- 

Why did it matter? Why did  _ any  _ of this matter? You were stationed with the freaking  _ Resistance  _ for Gods sake, there were much larger problems than your love life and or lack thereof.

You scolded yourself for even thinking such thoughts. That wasn’t true.  _ It all  _ mattered. 

Soon enough, you found yourself on the opposite side of camp. You still had work to do, quite a bit of it actually, but more importantly right now, you needed to check on him. Make sure he wasn’t sulking to himself or something worse. A headache began to uprise at the base of your forehead. On your way back, you’d stop by the medical tent for some pain killers.

You opted to take your path into the trees, avoiding any observers and sneaking your way to the backside of Ben’s quarters. His tent door was zipped closed, and you stayed at the edge of the forest as you called out to him inside of your head. 

_ “Ben,”  _ You thought.  _ “It’s me.”  _

A moment passed with no answer. 

“Ben?” You whispered out loud this time, another no answer. 

Sneakily, you trotted to his tent door and tapped on the vinyl, glancing over your shoulder. Being caught standing out in the open at Ben Solo’s tent would not make this hell of a day go any better. “Hello?” 

When you yet again were given no answer, you took the liberty to unzip the door yourself, not wanting to waste anymore time. After another quick glance behind you, you poked your head inside of Ben’s quarters that was revealed to be empty. 

His cot was up against the far side of the small room, bed made neatly and a large green bag at the foot of the mattress frame. The black leather jacket you’d seen the first time you’d entered his tent was still folded beside the entrance, probably collecting dust. You wished he’d wear it, at least so you could see him in it at least once.

You tried to pretend you weren’t entering a panic. He was fine. Likely Ben was out with Rey, clearing his head. Meditating or doing...whatever else he and Rey did all the time. What  _ did  _ they do when spending time together anyway? 

No. Stop that. Green was  _ not  _ your color. 

But you couldn’t help but worry. As if Ben Solo needed  _ anyone  _ to worry about him…

It was almost too tempting, being in Ben’s quarters unsupervised. You ran your hand down the sheets of his bed, to the pile of clothes laid at the end of it. You let your fingers cascade down the fabric, in between the pads of your digits you rubbed the collar of a sweater. The room smelled like dirt and wet leaves, just like everything did on Ajan Kloss, but the aroma of Ben was everywhere. It was as if the collar of the sweater in your hand was still warm from wear, like his energy was sucked into your fingertips straight into your veins. 

It was then you realized how much you missed him, how pathetic it may have been to miss someone you’d only seen hours ago, and how utterly attached you’d become in such a short amount of time to someone who you’d barely known. 

That wasn’t true either. You did know him. Maybe not fully, but much better than others. Not many had seen  _ that _ look in Ben’s eyes, his genuine and gentle smile and heard the bellowing laugh from the bottom of his lungs. You wished you could galvant him around base, his hand in yours and you showed him off to Kaydel. You wanted  _ everyone  _ to know who the  _ real _ Ben Solo was, and that he was yours. 

Sadly, that would never be the case. You’d always have to keep Ben a secret. Even so, you could learn to be okay with that. You’d have to be. 

You took a seat on his cot for a moment, sweater glued to your hands as you glanced around his quarters. With a deep breath, you let your mind wander for a quick moment. Your life was changed within the last few months, so much so that it was difficult to remember what life was like before Ben. Before Exegol, before everything. When Kylo Ren was still Kylo Ren, when the First Order was terrifying, a constant nightmare you and your fellow Resistance soldiers faced daily. You thought back to the week before Exegol, when you fell off the signal tower and about snapped your ankle in half, and how different you and everyone on base was that day compared to now. 

Here you were presently, in Ben’s tent gripping his sweater in your lap, falling in love with someone who was so far out of your own league, so different than anyone else you’d been interested in, or involved with. Someone who had killed people. Someone who force choked you this morning, to no fault of his own. 

You ran a hand over your throat, feeling the slight tinge of the muscles encasing your esophagus. What if Ben didn’t snap out of it almost instantly? What if that would have been it? Once Ben came back he’d realize what happened, and what would he have done if you’d died? 

Your own death was not as scary as the thought of what would Ben do if he’d killed you.

The sweater in your hands was knitted dark blue, a loose strand of fabric hanging from the sleeve. You squeezed the fabric tight before setting it neatly folded back where you found it. You had to get back to work. 

You hoped he’d come to your tent that night. 

  
  



	12. Visions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben has a deep talk with Rey, leaving him to finally ignore his worst fears and tell you exactly what is going on in that wild mind of his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> long time no see, friends. I first off want to apologize for disappearing, this last month has been an absolute whirlwind with myself coming down with an illness (non covid related lol) but it put me out of commission for a few weeks. I'm finally feeling better, and after reading some nice comments from some readers, it gave me the inspo to blast this new chapter out. I had most of it written in my drafts, so thankfully I was able to just go through and add some edits and all that jazz. I want to thank everyone who has taken an interest in this fun little story, thank you for sticking around and being so patient. I promise this story is not done yet, and I will try my damndest to get the next chapter out as soon as I can! Thank you all again. 
> 
> This one goes out to SandyRen, thank you for being a loyal reader and giving me some nice inspiration. <3

**CHAPTER TWELVE**

Ben sat at the edge of the creek with his hands folded on his lap, a bare foot dangling into the warm water as it rippled with his movements. The sun was risen high in the morning sky, beaming down onto his face and arms. It felt nice. 

In his attempt of committing to his morning meditation, Ben had found himself struggling to focus more than in a long time. It kept flashing in front of his mind, his hand extended as he shot up out of bed, the tight grip on his chest, the look on her face as she rose from the ground by the Force clung to her windpipe. 

How could he have let this happen? So careful, all the time, yet the one time he allows himself to ease up, he’s met with his worst fear. Well, his  _ newest  _ worst. Ben had many, many fears. But the one plaguing him the most in the last month and a half, was the terrifying and overwhelming fear of hurting  _ her. _ Really, of hurting anyone. Mostly her, though. 

She was so different, and even Ben knew that was ridiculously cliche to say, but it was true. He’d never experienced anything like this before, not with anyone like her. Someone so understanding, so calm and sweet, so patient. So beautiful.

Ben had never connected with someone who did not understand the Force. This was all new, and he was struggling to understand how to continue to go about this.

She was normal, not that that word meant anything to begin with, because it didn’t. He guessed what he really meant to say was that she was special, made him feel ways he wasn’t familiar with, made him grateful for this new beginning, forced him to learn about these new emotions he’d never even thought he would be given the opportunity to experience. She made him excited to begin this next chapter of his life. 

Of course, things for someone like Ben, never ended up that easy. 

The creek was flowing swiftly as Ben sat with his toes in the water, a slow moving rapid as it flew along the creek side. He remembered the first day she and him sat in the grass in this very area, the night the two had gotten drunk together, and the night that Ben had really begun to realize what he’d gotten himself into. 

The way she looked at him, the warm grins shared between the both of them as they chatted about their lives, as he himself talked openly, one of the first times really, to her as she sat and listened. The feeling in his chest tightened, because he knew that just this morning, Ben could have ruined it all. Maybe a few seconds longer, a tighter grip with the Force. What if he  _ didn’t  _ wake up so soon? What if he didn’t wake up  _ at all _ ? 

If it hadn’t been for Rey suddenly making her presence known as she entered the clearing, Ben’s mind would have kept going on maybe forever.

She had an apologetic look on her face, her traditional buns laid down for a half up and half down hairstyle. She was always so pretty, in an effortless kind of way that made everyone around her practically swoon. Ben heard it, many times in other people's heads. It was never misunderstood.

“I could hear you all the way down at the docking bay,” Rey grinned. “I thought we were going to meet this morning?” 

Ben nodded with a lame attempt to smile. “We still are, I needed a head start on my meditation.” 

She stood beside him, a hand on her hip as she looked to the flowing creek. “Do you want to talk about it?” 

“Not particularly, no.” 

She scoffed. “Well your thoughts tell me otherwise. What happened? You had another night terror...”  Ben sighed, closing his eyes and knowing with Rey, he’d never be able to keep a secret. Maybe it was a good thing. “Yes. I didn’t wake up in time.” 

“Is she hurt?” 

He swallowed the fear that that question brought back. “She claims she is not. Even so, there’s always next time” 

Rey nodded, overlooking the scenery of the clearing. A warm gust of wind blew her hair back as she took a seat beside Ben, folding her legs underneath her knees. “You can’t expect to be recovered so quickly, Ben. It’s going to take time, especially with what you’ve been through.”

“Time won’t matter.” 

“No one-”

“Rey, you don’t understand.” He said in a gentle tone, eyes open lazily as he set a soft hand on her wrist. 

She took a long breath, placing her free hand on top of his that was wrapped around her wrist.  _ “You’re not alone.” _ She said, a delicate smile on her pure face. “Remember?” 

That got him to agree at least a little bit. She could hear the pain in his voice, the sorrow she could feel in her own chest as it radiated off of him. The two of them were a Dyad in the Force, two that were one. Rare, incredibly. Each could feel one another’s most dark pains and worry, to the happiest and brightest emotions and desires. It was difficult to feel one another so intimately, especially while Ben was still Kylo. But Rey always knew, she’d seen his future before Ben even considered it. He was always Ben, only masked by the darkness that Kylo Ren put off. 

_ The aftermath of the mask _ was proving to be something Ben would never fully cope with or conform within; and perhaps that was the way it was meant to be. 

Rey smiled at him, despite the ache they both felt. “She is the girl from your visions, we both know that. You saw her coming long before Kylo was dead. We know the path she leads you down.”

Ben gulps down the lump in his throat, the back of his neck beading sweat under his long, dark hair. “I believe you mean to say nightmares.” 

“They weren’t all bad dreams. Some of them were pretty good, right?” 

Rey was referring to the visions that Ben had been experiencing for  _ months  _ before he assisted in the destruction of Palpatine. Ben had many recurring nightmares for years, almost every night he would either wake up screaming, crying or attempting to fight the villains he was facing in his dreams. 

He still remembers the first night he’d dreamt of  _ her _ . It was hazy and unclear, as if he was looking underwater- but he felt it more than anything. She was walking through a field of blue flowers, likely Sundaisies but Ben can’t be positive. His hand was locked in her own as she trotted in front of him, talking about something Ben couldn't interpret. The next night, he dreamed of her again. She was amongst a crowd of people, on a humid and green planet as she hugged someone in a camouflage poncho. Ben saw her as he rounded the back end of a ship. It wasn’t until Ben arrived on Ajan Kloss that he realized, putting all the pieces together. 

Ben had dreamed of her long before they had met. 

It wasn’t a problem, in fact, Ben was a little astounded that the Force worked in such a way. But then, his subconscious not so gently reminded him that not  _ all _ of the dreams she was involved in, were dreams. Some, maybe more than he realized, were in fact nightmares.

Images of a blue lightsaber illuminated in his hands as Ben ripped through tents and trees and logs. The whooshing of the blade as it cut through flesh, the screams of his victims too quiet underneath the ringing in his head, the voices plaguing his thoughts and taking over. It happened too often with Kylo Ren, sometimes now, Ben wonders if half the thoughts he had in his own head back then were that of his own conjuring. Rather, Palpatine and the darkness twisting his brain to conform in the ways  _ they _ wanted to. 

Ben sighs deeply. “Some were good. Very good. Most were not. Just hree nights ago I dreamed of killing her again, my hands wrapped around her throat and look what happened this morning. All of my ‘visions’ have come true to this point…” He breathes in and out, hand still on top of Rey’s. “Sometime last week I had the saber dream again.” 

“The one where you take my saber…” 

“And kill everyone.” He finished for her.

“You know I wouldn’t let you even close to that.” Rey assures. 

He shakes his head, removing his hand from her grip as he stands and brushed the backs of his pant legs off. “I don’t know if I’m comfortable taking that risk.” 

With that, Rey stands too, not ready to end the conversation. Ben has always been open with her in ways he could never be open with anyone else, but it is rare, so when the moment comes, she latches on until Ben physically can’t take it anymore and walks away. “Well, let me ask you this...Do you think that you, you know...Love her?”

The question has Ben physically trembling, his teeth gritted together as he clamps his fists together tightly. Love, it isn’t something Ben thinks he can take part in, that he doesn’t deserve it. Everyone that he has ever loved has died. His father and mother, his uncle, friends he’d met with at Luke’s training temple. The only ones left are Rey and Chewie, and Rey already knocked on Death’s door once. 

Perhaps that is the scariest thought of them all. Love is about putting someone else’s needs before your own, being vulnerable enough to hand someone over your entire heart, giving them the ability and freedom to take it and crush it brutally at any moment if they so please, leaving you to pick up the scattered remains on your own. Ben fears that deeply. Admitting that he  _ loves her _ , gives her the power to ruin him. And it gives himself the power to hurt her, and he isn’t so worried about doing so emotionally.

But even so, the blossoming affection  _ she  _ feels for him, Ben cannot deny that he does not feel it too. He is incredibly grateful that she cannot read minds as he does, because if she could, it would have had him running for the hills long, long ago. 

He comes to the realization then, and Rey feels it too as they both stand in the clearing beside the water with the warm sun beating down onto the tops of their heads. Ben loves her. Truly. And he is determined to somehow, someway, make those visions  _ never  _ come to life. 

Rey smiles at him as she feels it too, crossing her arms over her chest. “I knew it.” 

“Please-” 

“You can’t lie to me, Solo.” She teases. “You have to tell her that then. Are you really ready to let this relationship slip through your hands because of your fears? That’s the dark side talking to you, trying to bring you back into its grasp.” 

That was true, and Ben hadn’t realized it until just that moment. The Emperor may be defeated, but his legacy still reins on. The dark would never be fully subdued, and it would always come crawling back to him in the times Ben would least expect it. 

“See it as a challenge,” Rey suggests. “Do not let it win, you’ve done the hardest part of your journey already.” 

“I know.” Is all he says, knowing Rey is right. She’s _ always _ right. 

-

It was becoming a routine. Like your consciousness and body just  _ knew  _ that Ben was near, and you needed to awaken. Your eyes fluttered open hesitantly, the lack of sleep causing your eyelids to feel heavy. As your vision cleared, the image of Ben crouched by your tent door appeared, a dark silhouette less than 5 feet away. 

You yawned involuntarily, sitting up on your elbow as the gratefulness to see him set in. “Do not ever do that again.” 

He blew a breath out his nose. “What?”

“Leave like that. I was worried sick all day.” 

“You don’t need to worry about me.” He retorted, voice low.

Obviously. “Well, you should have thought of that before becoming friends with me, Ben. You know that worrying is my specialty.” You sneered, pulling the blanket up over your neck as your head flopped back down onto the pillow. 

“I thought we agreed that you and I aren’t friends,” He chuckled, a snark tone present even under the quiet whisper. 

Even in the most serious of situations, Ben just couldn't help but be smug. “You know what I mean.” You snap.

Ben waited a few moments before responding, the corners of his mouth twitched upwars. “I apologize for leaving so suddenly. I needed to clear my thoughts.” 

“I’m not mad.” You said, glaring at the far figure across from you. “Are you alright?” 

“I should be asking you that.” Ben whispered, the guilt in his voice prominent as ever. 

With an exaggerated exhale, you sat up in bed, tossing the covers to lay at your waist. “Ben, I told you that I am fine.” 

“And what if you weren’t?” He asked, zero hostility, only curiosity in that deep voice of his. “What if I wasn’t able to stop in time?” 

You sighed into your covers, eyeing him carefully. “But you did stop, and I'm okay. I know that wasn’t you.” 

“It was me,” He spoke your name. “It was me.” 

“It wasn’t.” You retort back, sitting up in bed to get a better look at him. “I've looked into Ben’s eyes many times, and yesterday morning I did  _ not  _ look into yours. Can we please just move on?” 

Ben exhaled, taking a seat by the tent door with his elbows rested on his bent knees. “No, we can’t. Because I will do it again. I have these night terrors almost every night. What will happen next time? Or the time after that? I can kill you with a snap of my wrist.” 

You gulped, too tired to be in the mood to argue. “You won’t.” 

“I  _ can,  _ I’ve done it before.” He said your name once more, a rumbling in his voice. “I cannot allow myself the opportunity to harm you, in any way.” 

“Yet here you sit.” You retorted, twang in your voice.

Ben thought for a moment. “I’m uncertain I could leave if I tried.” 

That sends your heart fluttering, your throat constricting as you try to breathe evenly.

He blows a breath out of his nose, sensing your emotions. “I brought you something.” 

“Is it another bottle of wine? Because I think you and I both could use that about now.” 

Ben snickered. “No, I’m sorry it is not alcohol.” 

Ben rose from his seat to crawl the short distance to your cot, his body positioned by your bedside table as he was the night prior. Now that he was closer, his face was clearer, the night lighting still dark. With a slow hand, Ben gently places a folded piece of fabric beside your pillow.

Your hand grabbed the item, realizing by the slightest touch of the fabric that it was his own sweater, the one you’d held earlier in the day whilst alone in his tent. 

You breathed in the smell of his clothing, hand clutching the fabric. “It’s your sweater,” 

“Yes. You were in my quarters earlier.” 

You hide your eyes bashfully. “I went to see if you were home…” 

“I went on a hike.” He affirmed. “I hiked up to the top of the East mountain, the view was something else. Sundaisy’s littered the beginning of the trail.” He took the sweater and unfolded it for you, revealing on the inside of the fabric was a freshly picked Sundaisy, bright blue. “I got you another.” 

Although it was almost too dark to see, you felt around and grabbed it, bringing it to your nose to smell it’s sweet aroma. Even in your moment of resentment to his leaving, he was too sweet to deny. 

You set the daisy on the nightstand, then unfolded the sweater to set it out in front of you, bringing it into your chest to hold a little tighter. 

“Keep it.” Ben said. 

Woah, really? “Are you sure? I didn’t mean-“ 

“ _ Keep it.” _ He repeated, and your breath caught in your throat. 

You sighed, inhaling the sweet scent of the fabric. “Thank you…” 

It’s then that Ben stands up, his massive height causing his dark hair to wisp at the top of your tent as he turns to walk away. 

“You’re leaving?” You say in a rush.

Ben turns on his heels, jamming his hands into his pockets. “So I can almost kill you upon my awakening again? Yes, I’m going to my tent.” 

The previous glee leaves you, an anger rising in your throat. “You have to stop shutting people out, especially me. If we’re going to make this work, then you and I need to be on the same page. Why can’t you just accept my help?”

Ben nods his head, lips placed together tightly as he considers your words. With a gentle tone, he said your name. “I’m trying to, you have no idea how difficult this has all been on me “I’ve never done this before, I’ve…” He stopped himself with a hand running down his face. 

“You’ve never what? I want to help you but I-”

Ben interrupts you, his eyes shut tightly as his words come out in a rush. “I’ve never loved another person like this.” 

_ Loved.  _

Your brain literally began to short circuit, your eyes blinking at him in an attempt to comprehend the words coming out of his mouth right then. Did he just…?

“You…” Your voice halts with a crack, a vice grip on his sweater in your lap. “You love me?” 

Ben sighs, opening his eyes to look at you directly. “Yes, and it terrifies me.” 

You try and understand what he said to you, brain flickering on and off with his stone-set words. You believed him, without a doubt within you as your heart thumps so loud in your ears that you wonder if Ben hears it too. Likely, he does. Through the dark of the tent his face was shadowed by your bedside lantern, Ben’s jaw was set into place firmly, his arms crossed over his chest. The white, quarter sleeved shirt he wore snug against his biceps. 

“I...Ben,” 

“You don’t have to say it back. I just needed you to hear it from me, and as petrified as I may be to admit that, I’m _ more _ afraid of losing you.”

You stand from your cot, throwing the blankets off of your legs. “I...You don’t think I’m scared too, Ben?” 

“No- because I can feel that you’re not. That frightens me too.” 

“Why would that matter?” You ask softly, the pace of your heart lowering back down, thankfully.

He shakes his head. “Because you’re supposed to be afraid of me. That first night we met in the forest, when I approached you in the trees, I felt your anger, your hatred for me. That’s how it’s supposed to be. Now, you’re braver than ever and I’m…” He thought about the right words to say, if there were any. “I could have ended your life this morning, and it won’t be the last. I can’t…” 

He begins to shift his weight between either of his feet, his eyes staring at the dirt flooring. Although you don’t have powers within the Force, you can still feel his worried energy. 

Ben lets out a deep breath held in his chest for much too long. “I can’t hurt you. I can’t...leave you. I don’t want to. But I cannot allow myself the slightest opportunity to harm you, I’d never forgive myself.”

His honesty makes your stomach twist in a strange way. With gentle footing, you walk closer to him, eyes set upwards to look into his hazels. “Then we will make sure it doesn’t come to that.” You make an impulse decision, grabbing his hand maybe a little too hard. “We won’t let it get to that. You and I can...We can fix this, and keep it fixed. There’s always going to be bumps in the road, that just happens with relationships of any sort. But we can work on things, make sure the both of us are safe. I don’t want to lose you.” 

His lips tremble just a little, his eyes almost appearing glossy. “What if...What if I-”

“You  _ won’t.”  _ You affirm sternly, taking both of his ginormous hands in your own. “You won't.” 

He looks to be as if he’s weighing your words, blinking repeatedly as he gives your hands a slight squeeze. His skin is hot, electric under your fingertips and his irises are drowning in worry. But with your hands in his, a pleading and promising gaze locked onto his own, Ben feels a jolt in his heart. He knows the risks, they truly plague him in ways he could never begin to explain. But Ben also knows that as much as he wants to protect you, as much as he  _ needs  _ to do so, that leaving you is the last thing he is going to do. 

Ben nods slowly down to you, moving his hands from your grip to rest on either side of your head, his thumbs rubbing into your sweat dampened hair. You look up at him, amazed and still dumbfounded at how you got this lucky. Ben could and would never, ever be compared or be replaced, and you still find yourself after all these weeks, gawking at his beauty and his vulnerability with you. 

“I love you, Ben.” You say openly, voice no longer a hushed whisper, but loud enough to make sure that he truly hears you. Your voice shakes, but there is no uncertainty. “Thank you.”

He knows what you’re thankful for, hearing it in his own head to not need further explanation. You love him. You’ve loved him for a while now, and Ben’s been too stubborn to allow himself to admit it. But here now, you in between his grasp and your heart blossoming in his direction, he feels a sudden bit of peace. Like even if tomorrow is uncertain, if his worries and fears take over, at the end of it all stands you, with open arms and a sweet look to make him fall right back into the correct pace. You  _ both _ would make sure his nightmares remain only in his head.  _ You _ would make recovery easier, because you already had. 

Ben’s eyes squint down to you, and instead of saying anything in response, he pulls his face a long way down to your own, smashing his lips into yours with a gentle push. 

And it’s like it’s the first time all over again. 


	13. You And I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another damn signal tower needs repair, only this time, you send Kaydel up the ladder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone has a great and safe weekend. <3

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  
The sunlight casted in from a hole in the top of your tent, directly aimed for your sleeping eyes. You groaned, covering your face with the inner elbow of your arm, turning on your side in an attempt to get a little more sleep before work. As you shifted your body, a heavy warmth next to you laid still. Ben slept peacefully beside you, on top of the blanket with one of his large arms held above his head and the other underneath your pillow. His chest moved up and down evenly, mouth closed softly. 

You told him you’d loved him last night. Moreover, he told  _ you _ that he loved you. It still was difficult to wrap your head around. That this man beside you for some unknown reason was in love with you. Someone so different than yourself, so powerful and so beautiful, how could he love you? You wondered this to yourself as you lay beside him, eyeing the curves of his delicate face. You were mostly confident in yourself, for the most part. You knew you were pretty, you were smart, funny, important, and many other things. But it was still a mystery as to how Ben Solo could be in love with you, when there were other vast possibilities littered throughout the galaxy. 

The memory of the first moment you’d laid eyes on him flashed in front of your vision. How scared you were, confused and angry. You hated him so, everyone did. Well, everyone mostly does still, except for you. It was quite the opposite, actually. You loved him. 

You said it over and over again in your head, hoping maybe one time that you’d say it, and you’d believe it. 

Ben stirred, his eyes squinting lightly and tightening by the second. His breath hitched as it picked up in pace, and you placed a hand on his chest. You wanted to catch him before the nightmare got worse, wanting to avoid another Force incident... “Ben, wake up.”

That was surprisingly all it took, and Ben’s eyes gently opened. His hazels were wide as he gawked back at you, sitting his head up a little. He let out a breath. 

“Sorry, I just didn’t want your night terror to get worse.” You apologized carefully. 

He opened his mouth to suck in a deep breath, running his hand down his face. “Did I wake you?” 

You shook your head. 

“Thank you.” He said quietly.

You wanted to kiss him right there, his messy hair and groggy voice made him especially cute. 

He smirked tiredly, eyes closing once more. “I have morning breath.” 

You’d never get a thought to yourself as long as he was around, and as much as you hated that power of his in the beginning, you were starting to see where it came in handy. “I like your morning breath.” 

Taking the bait, he opened his mouth wide, blowing out a hot huff of air right into your face. You scrunched your nose up, he indeed did have morning breath, and you buried your face into Ben’s shoulder with a giggle. He planted a chaste kiss on your hair as he wrapped an arm around your middle, pulling you completely into him. You left your head in his shoulder as he enveloped around you, trying to focus on this moment between you two, determined to never ever let your subconscious forget it. He smelled woodsy, shirt soft and warm. You let your hands ball against either of your chests’ as he held you, sighing contently. 

Was this what love was like? 

Safe, warm, cared for. 

Even if it wasn’t, this was how Ben made you feel. And that made your heart expand. 

If you were to stay in this exact position, Ben in bed with you with his strong arms around your body as you pressed your forehead into his peck, you’d be content forever. Maybe you’d die there, if he let you.

Ben’s fingertips trailed down the length of your spine before they swept back up, only to repeat the soothing motion over and over. For the quickest second, your brain conjured up the thought of this man and who he used to be. Kylo Ren, murderous villain, only to now be laid in bed with a woman, cradling her as if she would break with the gentlest of touch. The irony.

As your brain caught up to your thoughts, knowing he could very well hear you, you began to feel guilt. Pulling your mind back you mentally apologized, hoping he wouldn’t move from the position he was in. With a chuckle, Ben’s chest rumbled against your face. “Stop that. You’re right, you know.” 

“About?” 

“Me. You’ve made me soft.” He joked, a smile in his words. 

That alleviated all of your previous worries, and you sucked in a wonderful breath of his shirt before lifting your head to look at him. “I think Ben Solo was always soft, he just didn’t want to believe it.” 

His lips twitched upward. “Maybe so. If you tell a soul, I’ll take yours in return.” Ben threatened playfully.

“So you  _ can _ suck out people’s souls. I always thought that was just a rumor.” 

With a deep laugh, Ben placed his hand on the upper flesh of your exposed thigh, sending a rush of  _ something  _ down to your stomach. Your sleep shorts ghosted under his fingertips as he maneuvered the two of your bodies, moving so he hovered himself over your frame. Ben’s long, dark hair fell down into his face as he placed his free hand on your hip. Your body physically trembled at his touch, almost as if you were deprived of whatever this feeling was for so long, and now that you were toying with it’s grasp, you worried you’d crumble directly in front of him. 

“I’ve barely touched you, don’t fall apart just yet.” He purred.

Painstakingly slow, Ben lowered his face down to yours that likely was frozen in an embarrassing expression, and placed his lips on your own. They were heavy as he moved with your mouth, your hands half in the air unsure of what to do. With a shaking touch, you pressed your fingertips into the sides of his ribcage, at your grasp he jumped only slightly, lowering himself a bit closer. 

Ben’s lips parted with a soft smack right before he replaced them back onto your mouth, sending your head spinning in all directions. He tasted delicious, saliva sharp and sweet as it hit your tastebuds. Without an afterthought, your legs opened slowly, calves to wrap around behind his knees hidden in his jeans. It was like you were thrown back out into that Ocean of Ben, shore long gone and all you could do was try to keep your head above the raging waters. But as Ben continued to kiss you, creating that potent elixir you’d never get enough of, his chest pulling closer and closer to your own and your hands pressed firmly into the muscles protecting his ribs, you were struggling to keep above water. 

When his hips pressed against your tailbone, your heart shook at the touch of the firm center of his pants meeting with your middle for the briefest moment. Was this happening? Oh  _ Gods  _ this was happening. You wanted this, so, so desperately. Any part of him that Ben would allow you to have, you’d be greedy for. At that thought, Ben breathed deeply against your nose, parting his lips for a second to allow his warm tongue to dart past your teeth. 

You both were so lost in the moment, so intertwined with one another, that neither of you heard your tent door zip open. 

And when you heard your name, your heart all about jumped out of your chest. 

Kaydel stood in your tent doorway, her mouth fully gaped and her eyes practically taped open. It all happened too fast, and before you could think, Ben flew off of you, leaving you deprived of his touch and starstruck as your eyes met Kaydel’s. 

Her mouth began to move, but no words came. She was struggling to find what to say, that much was obvious. You sat up in bed, body trembling in fear instead of lust as it was previously. Ben’s tongue licked over his lips as he cracked his neck to the side, avoiding Kay’s gaze at all costs. 

You couldn’t stop the word before it slipped past your glazed lips. “Fuck.” 

Kaydel then smiled, her eyes fuming in anger as she scoffed, tongue clicking against her teeth. She nodded her head a few times before turning on her heels, straight out the tent door to leave you and Ben in shock. 

“ _ Fuck… _ ” Ben repeated after you, perhaps the first curse word you’d have heard him speak. 

You were up in a flash, throwing on the nearest pair of pants and stepping into your boots beside the door. “I have to go talk to her.” 

Ben cleared his throat awkwardly before saying your name in a gentle tone. “I’m sorry.” 

“Do not say that.” You pointed a finger at him angrily. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

With a heavy sigh, Ben agreed at least for now. “Go on, I’ll leave soon after you.” 

With that, you rushed out of your quarters in a sprint, eyes scanning the base for Kaydel. This was  _ not  _ how you’d hoped this morning would go. Your mind was racing, an instant stress induced headache presenting itself. How in the world were you going to explain this? 

Wouldn’t it be nice to have no need to explain it at all? 

It was your life, your decisions and your own path that Kaydel would either understand and accept as your best friend, or be her usual self and do nothing other than ridicule you for your poor life choices. 

You knew which Kay you were going to get when you caught up to her, but even so, you didn’t want to lose her. 

She darted past the common area and into the trees, likely knowing that you would follow suit. As you did, you weaved in and out of people and the various working droids, just trying to make it to her as fast as possible. Once you were nestled deep enough into the forest, Kaydel stopped and turned on her heels directly, daggers thrown straight at you with her fuming gaze. You stopped five feet away from her, out of breath as a bead of nervous sweat dripped down your neck. “Kay,” 

“What the actual, fuck?” She spat, arms crossed over her chest. “I come to your tent to invite you to breakfast only to see Kylo Ren in your bed?!” 

You tried not to let your skin crawl at that name. “Can you just let me explain please, I-” 

“No! I can’t believe you. Out of all people, him?  _ Him?”  _

“You don’t understand Kaydel,” 

She looked confused, maybe even a hint of betrayal on her twisted face. “Oh, I understand plenty. Is this why you’ve been acting so weird, why you’ve been avoiding Poe?” 

Of  _ course.  _ “So you and Poe are just buddy buddy now, huh? He seems to tell you everything!” You sneered, voice rising. You’d get onto Poe about this later, whenever you decided you were going to drill into him for the various reasons on your list.

“Do  _ not  _ turn this on me. He’s a  _ murderer, _ ” She echoed your name with a venom on her tongue. “He’s a monster, he’s killed our friends! He’s dangerous and you know it.” 

“He isn’t who you think he is.” You said, taking a calming breath. “You don’t...You don’t know him.” 

Words were proving to escape you, voice shaking as you tried to piece together the right words. Kaydel just shook her head, disappointment prominent on her strewn face. “I have to get to work.” 

“Kay, please don’t say anything.” You spoke softly. “I’m-”

She scoffed, bustling past you as she smacked the two of your shoulders together. “You’re something else…” 

You watched as she walked back to the common area, a dark feeling at the pit of your stomach. She’d never understand, and maybe she never would. Ben was in your life now, and so long as you had something to do with it, you were going to make sure it remained that way. But still, the ache of your heart was too present as the thought began to dwell on you for yet again another time, that if you had to choose between Ben and your best friend, you unfortunately knew who would win that contest. 

But having Kaydel no longer in your life, sounded too terrifying to come to terms with. 

-

“Thank you, Poe. Alright, that about concludes today’s meeting. Rose, I’d like you to accompany me to the docking bay along with Beaumont, I have some errands for us to each run down there.” Jen said, her hair pinned neatly back behind her ears. She then glanced at you, a gentle smile on her lips as she spoke your name. “I have a job for you. The south signal tower is down, been giving us trouble these last few days. I need you to take a look at it and see if you can repair it. Take Lieutenant Ko Connix with you.” 

_ Shit. _

“Ma’am, I have a few other tasks I’ll be needing to get done today, perhaps-” Kaydel began, but was quickly cut short by Jen. 

“I’ll see to it that your errands get completed. For now, I really need you to accompany her for the transmitter. Last thing we need is another injury. Thank you all, you are dismissed.” 

Kaydel’s sigh could not have been louder, and Jen gives her a warning look to watch her attitude. You were not excited about this at all. For one, you weren’t quite ready to spend the afternoon arguing with Kay about Ben. And two, last time you climbed up the side of a transmitter, you almost broke your damn ankle. But you were a loyal worker nonetheless, and you'd do just about anything if Captain Jen asked it of you. On the plus side, the transmitter was stationed in a rather public area, so Kaydel really couldn’t cause that big of a scene in front of half of the base. 

The two of you shared a glance for half a second, her eyes hot on your skin as you stood from your seat that was the farthest from Kay’s. You walked to the tool station to grab some materials before heading out to the south transmitter, not waiting for her to catch up. 

The tower was close by, but you took your time on your walk to it, trying to figure out what the hell you were going to say to her. Maybe don’t say anything at all, work in dead silence and get the job done, so you both could go back to being angry with one another. As tempting as that sounded, you knew it would never be that easy. 

The tool box sounded a loud CLANK as you let it fall to the ground beside the transmitter, eyeing it’s height cautiously. Kaydel wasn’t far behind, her sharp attitude practically radiating on your back. Pulling your hair back into a messy bun, you cleared your throat. “You wanna go up, or me?” 

Kay scoffed a bit. “I think we both know what happened last time you went up.” 

She grabbed a multi-tool and began her ascent, boots climbing up against the metal ladder posts. As her spotter, you watched her make her way up the tower, watching her feet carefully to ensure she was taking the proper steps. The Ajan Kloss heat was at a high today, the humid air only worsening the weather as your shirt clung to your body, wet with perspiration. The added stress of the morning certainly wasn’t helping. “Left foot,” You warned her, noticing the ladder notch was hanging off a few centimeters. 

Swinging her leg to the next notch instead, she placed the tool between her teeth. 

Once Kayel was properly positioned, she retrieved the tool from her teeth and began to unscrew the metal lid to the circuit box on the top side of the tower. Oftentimes, the transmitter would merely need a clean up in the circuits, the humidity tended to cause the wires to wither, the boards themselves to eventually become damp and less responsive. Although built to withstand water damage, the towers only worked properly on Ajan Kloss about 40% of the time. The only way to ensure their longevity was to simply replace the circuit boards often enough. Kaydel was fifteen feet in the air, a hand extended down to you. “Hand me a flashlight,” 

_ A please would be nice. _ You thought to yourself, handing her the steel handheld light. 

She worked quietly, undoing the lid and handing it down to you before working on the wires. 

Although in a busy part of the base, the silence between you two was deafening. The tension in the air was thick, that along with the day’s weather was making it hard to breathe. 

After a few more silent minutes, Kaydel finally spoke up. “I don’t support you two.” 

Your heart seized with a tight pang, wiping your forehead with the back of your hand as you looked up to her. “I don’t need your permission, Kaydel.” 

“You lied to me.” 

“I did not lie, believe me I wanted to tell you, so, so bad about him but I knew you’d react like this.” 

“That’s rich!” She laughed, gawking down at you with her brows in a straight line. “Because if I hadn’t walked in on you both this morning, I’d have never known!” 

“That’s not-” 

“How long?” She interrupted. 

You let out a long sigh, crossing your arms over your chest. “If you interrupt me one more damn time Kaydel,” 

She gulped, continuing to work on the tower. “How long have you two been sleeping together?” 

That made you chuckle in the slightest. “That’s not what it is.” 

“Then what is it?” She asked. “So you’re dating Kylo Ren…” 

“Shh!” You exclaimed, gesturing with your hands. “Keep your voice down...His name is Ben, and yeah, I guess so. It’s been about a month and a half.” 

“ _ A month and a half?!” _

Your eyes widened in irritation. “I said keep your damn voice down!” 

“I’m very sorry, I’m a little taken aback by the fact that my  _ best friend  _ has been dating the former Supreme Leader behind my back!” She whisper-screamed through her teeth. “I can’t believe you’d do something so stupid.” 

You wouldn’t deny that it was stupid, but you also could never agree. “See, this is why I didn’t tell you. You’ve hated him since the beginning and I knew you’d never support me.” 

She ran a free hand down the bridge of her nose, ponytail at the back of her head swinging in a gust of wind. “I’m sorry, okay. It’s not that I don’t support you, I do. I just don’t trust him, and I know that he’s dangerous.” She explained in a calm voice for the first time all day.

“You know Kylo is dangerous, because he was. But Ben is...He’s so different, Kaydel, really.” You glanced over your shoulders to ensure there were no wandering eyes or ears, cheeks turning rosy. “He’s so smart and kind, he feels unbelievable regret for everything he’s done. He’s...trying to do right, now.” 

“No shit, considering he murdered our friends and a third of the goddamn galaxy.” 

“He cares about me, Kay. I’ve never felt like this about somebody before, you of all people should know that.” 

That got her to remain quiet for a moment, considering your words. It was true, you hadn’t been with anyone in a long time, let alone spoke so freely about your feelings like this to her. “You know I want you to be happy....Just, him, really? What about Poe?” 

The mention of Poe brought your mood back to the ground, you barely wanted to  _ think _ about him. “Ben read his mind, told me that Poe is in love with Zorii.” 

Her jaw slackens at that, brows furrowed. “W-wait, Zorii? I don’t know if I believe that.”

“I do. I saw the way he talked to her, when I confronted him about it, Poe got all defensive.” 

“Why would he have pursued you then? I know he likes you, he’s told me.” 

You shrugged your shoulders. “I don’t know...I think maybe I was just some distraction or...something.” You hang your head, even now the realization of that still hurt. 

Kaydel just sighs, shaking her head as she begins to screw the steel lid back onto the transmitter. She knew how much you cared for Poe.

“I’m telling you, Ben isn’t how you think.” You wanted to switch the subject off of Dameron as quickly as possible. “Ben cares about me, and...And I care about him. Kylo Ren is  _ dead _ , and he has been for a long while.” You said. “Just...No one can know. If Poe or Finn found out, they’d make him leave or make me leave, and neither of us have anywhere else to go.” 

“I wasn’t going to tell anybody,” She assured you as she began her descent down. “I love you, and you know that. I’m…” Kaydel waited until both of her feet were on level ground before continuing. “I’m sorry for what I said. But I won't lie, I meant every word. He’s dangerous, always will be. I can’t see you get hurt, I won’t.” 

“I’ve never felt safer than with him, Kay. What Ben and I have, it’s so important to me.” 

“Alright. I...I hate this, but I’m not going to stop being your best friend.” She said, and the weight physically left your shoulders. “I don’t support you and him, and don’t expect me to. If something happens, I have a commitment to the Resistance.” 

You didn’t need further confirmation as to what that meant. With a catching breath, you lunged into her arms, wrapping yourself around her tightly. “Really? I was so worried I would lose you."

She hugged you back. "It's always been you and I against the world. Not even that beast can tear us apart." 

At least you were making _some_ progress. "Thank you.” 

“Don’t thank me yet,” She patted your back. “I’m not going to be nice to him.” 

“Kaydel Ko Connix? _Nice?_ I know of no such thing."

She chuckled, throwing you off her playfully. “What are you going to say to Poe?” 

“I’m not sure yet, maybe nothing. I almost can’t stand to be within five feet of him.” 

“We’ll...We’ll figure it out.” 

_ We’ll. _

With watering eyes, you ran the back of your hand over your sweat-lined forehead. “I should probably go tell Ben…” 

“I think he already knows.” Kaydel pointed her head in the direction behind you with a nod, her jaw clenched. 

You turned around, and in the trees stood Ben, leaning his shoulder against a tree trunk. He wore a blue sweater, hands jammed in his pockets as he looked to you over a hundred yards away, a puppy-dog look in his eyes. You didn’t attempt to hold back the blossoming smile that turned up your cheeks. 


	14. Pinky Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tempers flare when Avex's smart mouth pops off, and you, Ben and Kaydel are left to pick up the pieces of the new status of your relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! So, we are nearing our end of this beloved little Ben fic. I would predict there to be two more chapters as well as an epilogue! This chapter is a major turning point in the story, and I hope it lives up to the hype that I've been trying to work toward while writing this fic! I want to thank everyone for still sticking with me and leaving kudos and commenting nice things, really makes my day! Although we are nearing the end of this work, I'm not done just yet so y'all are stuck with me for a little bit longer! Stay safe out there, love y'all!!!

“Well, Kaydel knows now…” You said with a shrug. “She won’t tell anyone, Ben.” 

He stood with his shoulder pressed into a tree trunk, hands in his pockets with his hair neatly waved, jaw tight. “I know.” 

“Then why does it seem like you’re unhappy?” 

Ben shook his head, tucking his chin down into his neck. “I’m not unhappy. I’m disappointed.” 

You furrowed a brow at him, confused. Sometimes it was really hard to understand that brain of his. “Disappointed in...Me? I don’t-” 

“Not in you, I am disappointed in myself.” He corrected, voice low. “I’m smarter than this, I shouldn't have let my guard down so easily, and the one time that I do, this happens.” 

Oh. “But it’s okay now, her and I figured stuff out. It was just a moment of bad luck, Ben.” 

“Do you understand how bad this could have gotten?” He asked you, voice still gentle despite the heavy words. “If she were to have changed her mind, which she still is able, this could get you discharged from the Resistance.” 

His lack of care for his own well being didn’t sit well with you. Always so concerned about everyone except himself. “Kaydel will not do that to me. We just have to be careful from here on out.” 

“We've been careful, I’m unsure how much more cautious we could be.” Ben spoke your name, hanging his head a little lower. “Kaydel is right, she’s been right the entire time. We shouldn’t be doing this.” 

_ What?  _ No _. No no no no.  _ “W-wait, Ben please don’t say things like that.” 

You’d just gotten Ben in your grasp, and you were going to be damned if you were going to let him get away so easily. This wasn’t happening. You couldn’t do this. The tears welling in your eyes pushed through, falling down your cheeks too fast for you to catch them. Your heart began to beat quicker, chest feeling constricted. No. No. No. “B-Ben, no,” 

He lurched forward, throwing himself off of the tree trunk to grab you between his arms, pulling your frame into his chest forcefully. The pressure of his palms encased around your back only pulled you into him closer, and you let the tears flow a little more. 

“Stop that, stop.” Ben commanded. “I didn’t mean...Ah.” He sighed into you, words failing him. 

With a sniffle, you pushed yourself off of him to meet his eyes. “Please don’t...don’t say things like that. I can’t even think-” 

“I’m sorry.” Is all he said. “I’m just afraid for you.” 

You both were far enough back in the trees to avoid wandering eyes, the humid forest surrounding the both of you in a heavy, dewy blanket of fogged air. It was obvious, always had been, that Ben’s care for his own well being was not comparable to the compassion he held for others. But, you couldn't’ help but wonder exactly  _ why _ that was. The life he lived was filled with trauma and fear, Kylo Ren twisting Ben’s brain into mush so he could control the both of their lives. It was only when Ben became strong enough, smart enough, that he was able to slip away. 

Still, it was difficult for yourself to imagine how he couldn’t carry regard for himself, when that was all that  _ you _ could do. 

“I am afraid for myself too,” Ben spoke your name, his hand running down your spine. “I don’t want to lose you.”

You closed your eyes tight, pushing yourself further into his chest as your stomach filled with butterflies. “You won’t as long I have a say in it, I promise you.” 

In a quick motion, you pulled back and held out your hand to him in a fist, your pinky finger extended out in his direction. Ben looked at you confused, eyebrows slanted down. 

“Pinky promise.” 

Ben scoffed, shaking his head for a brief moment. “A pinky promise?” 

“Yes.” You confirmed. “Do...you not know what a pinky promise is?” You asked, a little shocked. 

“Not really, no.”

You chuckled, wiping the remainder of the tears that stained your cheeks away with your free sleeve. Then, you grabbed Ben’s massive hand, helping him to curl his fingers into a fist and craning his pinky out like your own. “When you pinky promise something, it means that you’ll never break that promise. It’s like extra...promising.” 

He looked muddled, his pretty lips parted in a pout. “Extra promising?” 

“Yes.” 

You latched your pinky finger around his own, locking it in. Ben’s finger was humorously large compared to your own, but with a light squeeze of the both of your knuckles, it was set in stone. 

Ben laughed a little, likely feeling a little silly, but it was nice to see him do something like this with you. It was incredibly silly, but it was also human, and humans tended to be rather strange anyway.

“So we’re...you and I are okay?” You needed affirmation, placing your hand on his bicep and trying not to make it obvious how the muscles underneath were making your stomach flip. 

For the briefest moment, you wondered what would have come of this morning if Kaydel hadn’t walked in...

Ben’s hand traveled up from your back at a medium pace, fingertips never leaving your person as he made his way from your spine to your shoulder, only to lay his palm flat against the side of your neck. He was warm and electric, the feeling of his bare skin against your own igniting the receptors underneath his touch. You looked up to him, tilting your chin to get the best look at his hazels that you could from his full height. Slow as ever, Ben pushed himself down to your level and placed a chaste kiss on your lips. 

You’d never tire of this. It would never become normal, never the feelings that Ben’s kiss pulled out of you would become expected. Your stomach erupted into a flurry as you held his chest closer to you, nose pressed into the side of his cheek and breathing him in. He pulled away too quick, leaving your lips plump and glistened with his spit as you looked back up to him. The thumb on his hand that wasn’t still placed on your neck swept across your bottom lip, wiping his saliva away. You almost wished he wouldn’t have done that. 

Shit- don’t make it weird. He can literally  _ hear you. _

Ben shook his head a little bashfully, eyes closed for the briefest moment as he tucked his chin into his collarbone. “You’re too much sometimes, Pretty Girl.” 

You hoped he meant that in a good way. 

He pulled off of you completely, pinching your chin between his thumb and index finger for a quick moment with a smile. “We’ve got an observer over your shoulder.” 

Glancing behind you, Kaydel stood a hundred feet back, leaning against the signal tower. She tapped her wrist watch with a finger, eyebrows raised impatiently. Turning back to Ben, you gave him a sweet grin. “I’ll see you later.” 

He began to back away, flashing a single wink at you before turning and heading deeper into the trees, leaving you flustered and embarrassed that Kaydel was now watching you try and reel yourself back into reality. 

-

Kaydel had some tasks to get to on the opposite side of the base, leaving you in the common area alone. Later, likely you and her would have a long gossiping chat about you and Ben, and you wanted some additional details on her and Rose, a fair trade off. For now, your data pad read your schedule for the remainder of the work day, one of the timeslots indicated you had to head down to the docking bay for a meeting with Avex.  _ Dammit. _

You’d managed to avoid his wrath for the last few days, he was busy working on one of the older model Starfighters so one of his assistant technicians would help you with signing off on paperwork and checking in with progress and whatever else Jen needed from you. But, because things could never be that easy for long enough, your schedule read that you needed to have an  _ actual _ conversation with Avex himself, specifically about a new X-Wing part that was supposed to be shipped into Ajan Kloss tomorrow. 

Wonderful. At least after seeing him this week, you wouldn’t have to see him again for at least another five days, and that alone was almost good enough to convince you it would be worth it. But, as you walked down the incline of dirt down toward the docking bay, seeing all of the parked ships in the area and knowing that Avex was somewhere down there, your gut twisted sharply. 

As you made your way closer to his workstation that was now in view, you couldn’t help but wonder just why exactly you and Avex butted heads so often. Was it something you’d done at some point? Or was he just miserable and needed someone to argue with and you were the easiest target? Whatever it may have been, you tried to pull those feelings of rage and confusion back down, seeing his blonde hair pop up from behind his desk as he worked on a circuit board that sparked with the touch of his tool. 

“Afternoon, Avex.” You greeted, attempting to sound sincere. 

He turned to glance at you, not hiding the scowl that played across his lips. Great start. 

“What can I do for you?” He asked dryly, not meeting your eyes. 

You cleared your throat, logging back into your data pad to fetch meeting notes. “I’m here to discuss the progress of the docking bay and also see if you got the message about the incoming Starfighter parts set to arrive tomorrow morning?” 

“I got the message, same as everyone.” He said, turning the tool around a metal screw. “If that’ll be all, I’ve got some matters to attend to.” 

The fire brewing in your gut grew a little bigger, the flame tickling the back of your throat as you tried to swallow it back down.  _ Avex isn’t worth it, he’s never worth it.  _ You took a deep breath, rolling your shoulders back. “It actually isn’t, I-” 

“Sweetheart,” Avex cut you off, throwing the words in your face. “I’m really busy, just let me sign off on the paperwork and let’s get this over with.” 

Alright, that was it. The fire was a full blaze in your abdomen now, a hot fury burning inside of your ribcage so close to overflowing that you might combust. Maybe it was the chaos of the morning you’d had, or perhaps you were just busting at the seams because of the brat of a man in front of you, either way you pulled on the collar of your Resistance jacket with a tug, setting your data pad on top of his work bench hastily. “Avex, do not ever call me that again. What the hell is your problem with me?” You spat. 

He raised both of his blonde eyebrows, as if surprised by your courage. Avex scoffed, shaking his head. “I’m just too busy to be bothered right now, so if you wouldn’t mind-” 

“No.” You raised your voice at him a little. “This is unacceptable, I work here the same as you and I demand to be treated with respect from my coworkers.” 

“You  _ demand? _ ” Avex chuckled, setting his tool on the table and leaning on his palms. “You can’t demand anything from me, first of all. Second, I’m not going to argue with a woman. If you’re done, you can get off my docking bay.” 

You looked him dead in the eye, trying to stop the angry tears from making their dreaded escape.  _ He’s not worth it, he’s not worth it, he’s not worth it.  _ You were so enraged, part of you wanted to jump across the desk and grab him by the collar. “Excuse me?” 

Avex took the bait, clearly seeing you challenging him and refusing to be upstood by a woman. He leaned in a little closer, eyes locked onto yours and spoke slow. “Get. Off. My. Docking. Bay.” 

If it weren’t for a random grip on your wrist freezing you in mid air, your knuckles would have collided with him stupid, pretty boy jaw right then and there.

Poe stood beside you, a confused look on his chiseled face as his hand was wrapped around your wrist in a tight grip. You looked to him, eyes watering with fury as you ripped your hand away from his grasp. Poe took a step forward, one hand on his belt buckle. “What the hell is going on here?” 

Your lip snarled, a hot breath escaping your nose. “I’m sick of Avex’s bullshit is what’s going on!” 

“Oh please.” Avex laughed. “She can’t follow directions to save her damn life!” 

“Are you joking? I’m  _ your _ superior, Avex.” 

“I’m not taking direction from you, I know what the fuck I’m doing without you breathing down my neck!” He spat, rounding the desk to stand a few feet in front of you. “Fucking power trip.”

You took the challenge, stepping forward yourself to meet his height. “I’m doing my job, dumbass!” 

“And I’m not?” He sneered back, pointing a finger at his chest. “You’re impossible.” 

“Enough!” Poe stood between the both of you, either of his arms outstretched to push you both away. He said your name, cocking his head to the side. “Easy,” squinting his brown eyes at you as you tossed his hand away from you again. 

“No!” You shouted, the pot boiling over. This argument was fully in force now, and you were to be damned if you didn’t get to say your piece, especially now that Poe was here to witness. “I’m sick of him being a dick to me just because he’s butt-hurt his boss is a woman.” 

“I am not butt-hurt, and you are not my boss, Sweetheart.” Avex spit with that terrible grin of his. 

That was it, the words leaving his lips completely caused the fire burning inside of you to erupt out, you pulled your hand back, and in one quick moment a multitude of things happened. First, you felt Poe’s hand push against your upper chest in an attempt to keep you back with little avail. Second, as Poe’s touch did not work, you leaned forward to yell something at him for touching you again, and Avex’s hand shoved your shoulder back forcefully. Third, your knuckles popped as your fist collided with the left side of Avex’s jaw, sounding an angry groan from his own mouth. Fourth, before you could pull your arm back to punch him once more, which you were going to, a large set of hands wrapped around your waist, your back pressed against a familiar warmth as you were lifted a few feet away. 

It took a moment for you to realize what was happening, and by the time you did, it was too late. 

You screamed a curse at Avex as you were set back down onto the ground, Ben’s hands still gripped on either side of your waist to keep you in place. You watched as Poe’s face morphed, his jaw clicking into place as Avex began to rush you. Poe pulled Avex’s shoulder back, causing him to stumble backwards a little further back as he cursed. Avex wiped his mouth with his hand, a streak of red across his light skin as he eyed the blood with a scoff, teeth still in an annoying smile. 

“Get your hands off of her,” Poe growled to Ben, hand ghosting over his blaster. 

Ben’s sudden presence caused others in the area to either run, or crowd around the commotion to see what was happening. Everything was happening too fast for you to keep up with, you shook your hand at your side, trying to ease the burning pain your knuckles were feeling. You looked to Poe, a sudden realization hitting you in the gut, and your heart fell to your feet. 

Oh  _ no. _

Ben completely ignored Poe’s words, hands still clamped to your waist as he craned his neck down to say your name. “Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine.” You said, eyeing Poe closely. 

Poe took a step forward, in a flash his blaster was unholstered, the barrel pointed directly at Ben’s head. “I said, get your damn hands off of her, Ren.” 

Ben’s jaw clenched, his body movements tense and slow against your back. His fingers dug a little deeper into your hips. “I’m not the one you need to be concerned about, General.”

Avex’s nostrils flared.

Panic mode began to set in. This wasn’t happening. Oh Gods, what has your temper created? You held your hands out in front of your chest, Ben’s grip only tightening as you called to Poe. “Put the blaster down, Poe, please,” You asked calmly. “Things are already out of hand, I apologize,”

You weren’t really sorry, but you’d say just about anything to fix this situation.

It was then you saw Finn run to Poe’s side, his eyes meeting Ben’s with an almost fearful glow as he stood in front of Poe’s blaster. “Whoa, whoa!” 

Rey appeared not a second later, running into the scene with her hair buns perfectly done up and her saber hilt hanging from her belt. “Ben? What is going on?”

Your name was called out from behind you, and soon Kaydel appeared at you and Ben’s side. 

Well, now it was a party. 

“Ren, I won’t ask you again. Let her go.” Poe snarled. 

You kept your hands outstretched in front of you as Kaydel stepped closer to you, close enough that her arm brushed against Ben’s as her fingers ghosted over her own blaster on her thigh. “I think everyone needs to take it down.” She said slowly. 

“Poe, put the blaster down.” Rey demanded, her voice hardening in a way you hadn’t heard before. “Poe,” 

You watched as Poe’s lip trembled, his gloved index finger ghosting over the trigger of his weapon before he hesitantly lowered the blaster down to his hip. With the relief of no longer looking down the barrel of a gun, your shoulders relaxed back into Ben’s chest that was pressed up against your spine. But the relief did not last long, as a bright blue blast erupted in the corner of your vision, aimed in your direction with a popping echo as it bounced off of the trees.

“No!” You heard Kaydel shout, along with some yells from the rest of the crowd that you couldn’t make out. It was like a gust of wind passed through your chest as Ben rose a hand from your side, feeling his entire body tense as you closed your eyes, expecting to feel a blaster wound ricochet through your guts.

The crowd all fell quiet, the sounds of heavy breaths replaced the yelling, and when you finally opened your eyes after what seemed like an hour, the sight of a blue blast from a weapon was suspended in mid-air, twitching as it was trapped within the Force that Ben was commanding with an open palm. 

You spun your head back to Ben whose face was contorted in a stern glare, a look you’d never seen behind his eyes as they pointed directly at Avex, who held his blaster in front of his own chest, it’s barrel still smoking. 

“Gods,” Kaydel whispered, astonishingly eyeing the foot-long blast as it was held in the air. 

With his free hand, Ben pushed you into Kaydel as you both took a few stumbling steps to the left. Ben slid his feet over the dirt only merely before closing his palm, the blue blast rocketing back into reality as Ben released it from the Force, it hit a tree over his shoulder, the sound of cracking wood erupting through the area. Your jaw was permanently wired open and Kaydel held you, both of you watching closely to the events that were to transpire. 

Avex, realizing he just attempted to shoot the man formerly known as Kylo Ren, slowly lowered his gun down as Ben took a few steps closer. His frame was always gigantic, but now in particular, watching him stalk closer to Avex’s person, Ben looked menacing. Poe and Finn both now pulled their blasters, pointing them directly at Ben who continued to walk toward a frozen Avex. Rey jumped in front of their guns, hands up in a surrender fashion. The crowd was silent as everyone watched Ben slowly meet Avex, towering over the blonde man who was still bleeding from his lip. He didn’t move a centimeter as Ben stopped, so close to Avex that he could hear Ben’s angry breaths. 

“Do you think it’s acceptable to touch a woman like you touched her, Avex?” Ben asked, voice low and slow. 

Avex’s mouth gaped, like he was trying to find the right words to say but nothing was coming to mind. You gripped Kaydel’s hand in your own as you witnessed him scoff, that devil smile returning in an attempt to charm Ben. “N-No, but she-” 

“I don’t care what she did. You do  _ not _ push her, you do not lay a finger on her or any woman here ever again.” Ben leaned down, his back craning to meet Avex’s face, their noses inches from touching. “If I hear you do such a thing to any woman on this base again, you’ll receive much more than a strike to the jaw, am I clear?”

Ben released Avex from the Force and he fell to his knees, gasping for air as he attempted to stumble back, terrified. Ben did not turn his back to the crowd, instead he walked backwards until he was back at you and Kaydel’s side, eyeing Poe and Finn carefully. Rey looked pleased with Ben’s threat, knowing damn well he meant it. Hell, she’d join Ben in putting that boy in his place any day. Poe’s eyes met your own as Ben put his arm in front of you two girls, their weapons still pointed at Ben’s frame.

“What the  _ hell _ is going on?” Poe asked genuinely. He said your name with an eyebrow raised, arms locked in a combat stance as he looked at you from the side of his gun. 

“Since you and Finn didn’t do anything about Avex’s behavior toward me, I had to do it myself.” You spat, rubbing your knuckles on your right hand that were red and still aching.

Finn said you name in a gentle tone. “We’ve spoken with Avex a few times, and we’ll do so again and get this sorted out. For now, I think everyone needs to take a breath, and  _ he  _ needs to get out of here.” 

“Ben is as much of a part of this base as I am, Finn.” Rey interjected. “Avex’s behavior is unacceptable, and to be honest with you, perhaps he deserved much more than a strike to the face.” 

Avex scoffed behind them, his attitude still present even at a time like this. Unreal. 

“Avex,” Poe said over his shoulder, not bothering to look at him. “You’re demoted. Get your things from your workbench and wait with Jen in the common area. Finn and I will be there momentarily. As for you,” His eyes met yours, and you felt your heart stall as he threw his chin up in you and Ben’s direction. “What is  _ this _ ?” 

Now was  _ not  _ the time and place for this conversation, not in front of everyone who didn’t need to hear it and not after things already had gotten so out of hand. This wasn’t how you wanted to do this. It was apparent in that moment that Ben was no longer concerned about the situation, his eyes were purely focused on you, a look behind his hazel’s that you couldn’t quite place. 

As you stared back at him, you guessed this was it. There was no more hiding, there was no more faking or pretending things were different than they actually were. All of the events that had just taken place in a matter of minutes, were already changing  _ everything _ , and not just for you and Ben. Your body shook, trembling at the realization that things would never go back to how they were. You and Ben were together, and now everyone was about to know it. And the consequences of your romantic relationship lay on the road ahead of you. 

But it wasn’t scary. Oddly, you felt okay, knowing the truth of your feelings to Ben and his to you, would finally reach the surface- where they belonged. 

Rey then moved to stand in front of Ben, attempting to talk Poe and Finn down from their weapons. She was talking and talking, but you couldn’t hear a word from her mouth. All you could do was grip Kaydel’s hand tighter and tighter and look up at Ben. His expression was smooth, eyes half lidded and lips pressed together. Even at a moment like this, chaos ensuing around the both of you, having him by your side made it all seem insignificant. He nodded his head at you once, a silent consolation, and you did not need his mind reading abilities to know exactly what Ben was trying to say. 

It was safety. No matter what would come from this day, this conversation with Poe, that you and Ben would figure it out. He wasn’t going anywhere, and neither were you. Pinky Promise. 

Only hearing your name leave Poe’s lips, broke your from your trance as he lowered his gun completely. “Is...Is this why you’ve been avoiding me?” 

The break of your heart was almost audible as Poe asked you that in the most gentle and quiet voice you think you’d ever heard from him. You didn’t say anything back, your throat felt like it was full of water, like you were moments away from drowning as you felt your cheeks water, eyes beginning to blur with wetness. 

After a moment, you managed to croak out his name. “P-Poe, it-” 

He pointed an aggressive finger, the look in his eyes shifting from hurt to betrayal right back to anger as Poe began to stomp toward you three, Rey stopping him with two hands on his chest. “Do you know what this bastard has done to me?! To all of us?!” Poe screamed, attempting to shove Rey off of him to no avail. She kept saying his name, but he clearly wasn’t listening. “And you’re! You’re…”

You didn’t need further explanation as to what Poe was trying to get at. He was right. You kept quiet, averting your gaze down to your boots as your body began to shake, Poe’s loud voice ricocheting off of the trees surrounding you. It was out- Poe knew now, everyone did. 

“I can’t believe you.” Is all Poe said, spitting his words in your direction. “You know who this goddamn bastard is, and you’re with him?! You know what he’s done! What he’ll do to you?!” He pushed himself against Rey’s grasp. 

“Enough Poe!” You shouted out, your chest hitting Ben’s extended arm as it kept you back. Kaydel didn’t let go of your hand despite your attempts to free yourself. 

If Poe wanted to play this game in public in front of half the base, so be it. Ben kept his arm in front of you, and you couldn’t tell if it was for your protection, or Poe’s. You smashed yourself up against Ben’s arm, his strength nowhere near matching your own as the exasperated tears fell down your cheeks and over your lips. “I told you before, I know about you and Zorii! You lied to me, and I was a damn fool for allowing you to do so!” 

Poe’s mouth gaped, his eyes rolling. “What are you talking about? I never lied to you!” 

“So pretending to be into me until Zorii came back around was just completely okay, right?” You spit, and Poe stayed quiet. “I was a temporary fix for you, you led me on, hoping I’d fall into it because you  _ knew  _ how I felt about you. A-and then when I figured it out, you didn’t know what to do.” 

“It’s...It’s complicated, you don’t understand. I wasn’t trying to lead you on.” He spoke your name. “And  _ you _ figured it out, or  _ he  _ did?” His head nodded in Ben’s direction.

That was all you really needed. “I guess it doesn’t matter, does it?” 

Poe bit his tongue, slipping his blaster back into his holster. “Guess not.” 

With a shuttered sigh, you grabbed Ben’s hand, crossing his fingers in between your own as you turned on your heels, the tears falling at twice the speed as you began to run into the trees with Ben in tow. You needed to get out of here, needed time to think and process the insanity that just happened and calm down before you did something else stupid. Punching your General in the face would not go over as well as punching Avex did… Although you had a feeling you’d pay for that move later. That didn’t matter right now.

Over his shoulder, Ben gave Rey a look, and she nodded at him, a silent conversation in both of their heads. Kaydel rocked on her heels, waiting a few moments before turning to follow you and Ben into the trees. 

“Lieutenant Ko Connix!” Poe shouted. “I need to speak with you.” 

Kaydel flashed back to look at him, an apologetic look on her face as she wrung her hands together. “I’m sorry General, I have to do this.” 

“Ko Connix!” 

You heard Kaydel’s running footsteps catching up to you and Ben, and felt her fingers interlock with your free hand as you three walked away from the scene, feeling everyone’s eyes glued to your backs. 

Everything was different now, and in that moment, you were no longer sure what your future held. All that was certain was Ben and Kaydel would be at your side no matter what, and that alone could be just enough. 


	15. Lighthouse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the darkest of times and in the heaviest of storms, the lighthouse on the rocks of a beaten shore continues to shine in hopes of bringing those lost at sea, back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO FRIENDS! It's been a minute, huh? Thank you for coming back after my long breaks! This chapter took a while for me to get out for a few reasons. One, it's the longest chapter I've written for this work. I normally have a specific set of pages on google docs that I use as a guideline for how long to make my chapters, but once I got started on this I really couldn't stop, so this chapter is gonna be much longer than you're used to! Hopefully thats a good thing for y'all haha. Two, in this chapter I really explored a genre of writing that I am not familiar with. Once you read, I think you'll get what I'm saying! Three, I've had a ton of crazy stuff happen in my life recently which unfortunately hasn't given me a ton of time to write, and in the times I did have time, I really wasn't feeling being creative. So, I wrote the last 7 pages of this chapter days ago, reread them and decided I hated them, deleted them all, and rewrote the whole ending in the span of a few days. I want to thank everyone for being so sweet and patient with me, it means a lot! I'm going to include some warnings about this chapter below here, so if you don't want any spoilers, don't read the rest of these chapter notes!!!  
> As always, thank YOU for reading, leaving kudos and comments as always and stay safe out there. <3
> 
> spoilers ahead!!!----------
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> alrighty, so I just wanna start off and say that I have NEVER written smut before, this is an area I'm super unfamiliar with writing, and even less familiar with putting it out on the Internet for all to read haha... I've read a lot of it and I'm always in awe of writers who are able to write such great sex scenes without it feeling cheesy. So I kindly ask that everyone go easy on me for attempting to write smut in a readerxperson style format! Haha. I really tried y'all. I hope you like!! Thank you everybody for supporting this work, it means so much to me!

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

. You were nearly an adult, days away from your 18th birthday as you sat outside of the ship’s loading dock. Your face was buried in a book that you’d already read a few times before, but it was enough of a distraction to keep you from having a full on panic attack. Kaydel sat beside you, her hair short above her shoulders as she talked and talked about everything the two of you were going to do after your Resistance training was completed. You two would be war heroes, fighting the good fight against the darkness, together. 

When Kaydel first told you about her idea of joining the Resistance, you were hesitant. That probably wouldn’t have been the right word to describe your feelings on it...You detested the idea heavily, and you weren’t shy about letting Kay know that. It was scary, the thought of her in battle, putting herself in danger for the good of others with a blaster in her hand. It was terrifying. What if she got hurt? What if she never came back home to Dulathia? What if she died? 

Kay was all you had, for many years. She was by your side through everything, through the loss of your family as a young child, through the tough times in school, like when Yerza Braithe, the senior student in your second year of high school, pushed you into the center serving table at the mess hall because you had a small crush on her boyfriend at the time. You remember it like it was yesterday, mostly the smell...When she pushed you, you toppled into the green and purple pudding that nobody liked to eat because it smelled exactly like it tasted. You started crying, wiping the pudding from your eyes as you stood, the entire mess hall chuckling. It wasn’t a second later that Kaydel was by your side, and it wasn’t a second after that that Kaydel’s knuckles met Yerza’s nose. 

All three of your girls were suspended from class for a week. The smell of the pudding was in your hair for days. But it was worth it to see Kaydel punch the school bully in front of the entire cafeteria, just for you.

Maybe that’s why you followed her into the Resistance. Because you didn’t know anything else. The thought of losing her would be too much. You’d be unprotected and alone, the only person you trusted, truly the only person you loved would be gone and perhaps never come back home. Kaydel was the only thing you knew. You didn’t want to join the Resistance. But you didn’t want to be without her even more. 

She always protected you, always looked after you and did whatever she had to do to ensure the both of you were okay. Sure, you guys had fights, rather large ones sometimes too- but you always found your way back to one another, and then it was like none of it ever happened in the first place. It had always been true that Kaydel Ko Connix, was perhaps your soulmate. 

-

You sat on the edge of the creek, boots off and toes dangling into the warm running water. Kaydel sat beside you silently as the both of you watched the sky turn dark with the beginning of the evening. The both of your thighs were pressed together as you sat side by side, both lost in thought as the water flowed past gently. 

Why did you have to open your big mouth? Why couldn’t you have just let Avex have his stupid way, even if it meant you to suffer? It didn’t matter what he thought. But because you could never allow things to be that easy, you were stubborn, too lost in your own way and maybe, there was a small part of you that wanted to stick up for yourself for once. You think back to when you and Kaydel were just kids, how she constantly was beside you, through the best of times and all of the worst. Anytime there were issues, or you were in danger, Kaydel would come running. And now, when Kay couldn’t protect you, Ben was there instead. Hell, they both came to your rescue despite their massive differences - something you never thought you’d live to see. 

It was appreciated, but as you sat there with your feet in the water, your Resistance jacket bundled up in your lap for your elbows to rest on, eyes red and tired and nose all stuffed up, you wondered to yourself- am I always a damsel in distress? 

If Ben was around, he’d immediately have corrected your thought and likely would go on this long, sweet and thoughtful rant about you were certainly not a damsel in distress, that you could protect yourself but Ben wouldn’t let you get close enough to take that chance. But Ben wasn’t around. Rey took him somewhere away from the crowds, and all you could think about was that blast suspended in the air by his hands...Poe’s angry words and the crowd of the docking bay to witness it all.

Oh, Poe. 

You let your head fall into your hands heavily. You couldn’t get the look on his face out of your head. It was betrayal, hurt, anger, and then...nothing. It was like one moment Poe was heartbroken, and the next he couldn’t stand to look at you. The feeling was definitely mutual. However, you found that your heart ached for him, even still. You wondered why that could be. 

Maybe the ache wasn’t to have Poe anymore, maybe the ache was more for the closure, longing for an explanation as to why, and exactly what has happened to your life over the last few months. After Exegol, nothing was the same for anybody, really. The Resistance itself shifted, molding to fit this new way of life now that the dark was defeated. The knowledge that it wouldn’t be long before that dark was resurrected, still was at the forefront of everyone’s minds. Kaydel came home. Then Ben. Then Poe, then your new job, then Poe kissed you, then Ben again, then Zorii, all leading up to the fight in the middle of the docking bay where all hell broke loose. 

What was to happen now? Would you be able to work with Poe anymore, without wanting to strangle him to near death? Would you and Ben be okay? Would anything be okay again? There was no way to know. You weren’t even sure if you had a job after this. What if-

“My, I could hear you all the way on the opposite side of base.” Ben chuckled from behind the two of you, and you both whipped around to see him walking toward, hands shoved in his pants pockets.

Kaydel pushed herself into you a little further, sighing as she returned her gaze back to the creek. 

Ben stood beside you, his boots gently hitting your knee as he stared down at your sad figure. Craning your neck to look at his darkened face, just the sight of him was alleviating. He crossed his ankles, lowering himself down to sit on the dewy grass beside you. You wiped at your sore eyes with the heel of your palm, praying you didn’t look as bad as you felt. 

“You look lovely, as always.” Ben spoke softly. “Even with the snot dripping out of your nose.” 

In a flash, your sleeve was to your nostrils, dragging the fabric of your sweater across your face to reveal a trail of mucus, and if you weren't ready to die before, you were now. 

“Stop that.” He commanded in a low tone, the corners of his lips perking up as you hid your face behind your downed hair. 

“Stop what?” Kaydel asked, her brows furrowed in confusion as she whipped her neck around to face him. 

Ben just snickered, wrapping his hands around his bent knee. 

This was one of the first time’s you began to realize that it wasn’t common knowledge to others that Ben was hearing every single thought inside of your mind. You wondered what Kaydel was thinking now, likely something snarky about Ben’s presence, without really realizing he could hear every word. You sniffled a few times. “Ben doesn’t like when I speak low of myself. He can hear everything you’re thinking too, so keep your thoughts nice for now.” 

Kay scoffed lightly, turning her body to face you. “Well, if he can hear thoughts then he already knows what I think of him.” She spat, and you grimaced. 

Then, she wrapped her arm around your shoulders, pulling you close to her chest. “Then he also knows how much it meant to me that he stuck up for you today.” Kaydel glanced at him briefly. “If he hadn’t been there, I don’t know where Avex’s bad shot would have ended up.” 

You smiled at her, letting your head rest against her shoulder that was still under her Resistance jacket. Kaydel would never truly accept Ben, and that was just how that was going to be. But, this was a step in the right direction, and just having the two most important people in your life by your side right now, despite how much they may or may not have enjoyed one another’s company, meant more to you than anything. 

And all at once, the future suddenly didn’t matter. It didn’t matter what your job held after today, what Poe thought or Avex or the entire damn base for that matter. All that was important was that you had your two people at your side, and whatever was to come after today, well, you three would see it together, you hoped. 

Ben’s hand then wrapped around your forearm, his long fingers rounding the skin under your arm as his thumb grazed there gently. You looked to him and the twinkle in his eye could not have been mistaken by anyone, most of all you. The sky was draining to a dark purple, Ben’s bright blue’s shimmering off of the setting brightness in the distance as he stared back at you. 

Kaydel scoffed again in a sarcastic tone at your right. “My Gods… I can’t get a moment without the two of you smothering me in your gross affection.” 

The sarcasm in her voice pulled a chuckle out of you, and you watched Ben’s hand latched to your forearm intently. He even chuckled a bit, still a rare sight to be lucky enough to witness. “Rose is looking for you by the way, Kaydel.” Ben said. “She’s with Finn and Poe in the common area.” 

“And I’m guessing she didn’t tell you that directly?” She asked, one eyebrow risen. 

Ben let out a breath through his nose, eyeing her careful. “No. And since you’re wondering, she is incredibly infatuated by you.” He sneered, corners of his lips pulled to a grin. “It isn’t just you who is having to put up with hearing of gross affection. Although, I’d no longer call any affection between two beings that care for one another, gross.” 

You watched as Kay’s mouth dropped, eyes wide as she took that in. With an awkward clearing of her throat, Kaydel looked away from the two of you as her cheeks turned pink. “S-She...does?” 

Ben hummed. “Yes. Much more than you believe.” 

“See, having him read minds isn’t such an awful thing now is it?” You joked, poking her in the rib with your elbow. 

“Still doesn’t make it okay...But, thanks, I guess.” 

He nodded at her once. “Anytime.” 

“I should probably uhm, you know, go find Rose...And leave you both to it.” Kay awkwardly stood up, brushing the grass off of her backside, clearly ready to get away from Ben’s abilities. “I’ll see you tomorrow at the meeting.” 

“Maybe.” You replied, unsure if you were ever going to step back into that meeting place with Poe at the head of the table. 

Kay gave you a look, eyebrows furrowed. “You will, I’ll see you there. Have a good night,” 

“You as well.” Ben greeted. 

The second she began to walk away, Kaydel pulled her data pad out of her pocket in a rush, placing the device up to her ear as she trotted out of earshot. 

With it just the two of you now, you let out a deep breath, running your hand across your tired eyes. “Well today did not go as I thought it would.” 

“That’s for certain,” Ben smirked. “I am proud of you. Avex had it coming for him.” 

“Maybe.” You deadpanned. “It may have cost me my job, however.” 

Ben moved a bit closer, shaking his head lightly and sending his long, dark locks swinging. “I wish I could tell you what you want to hear, but Finn and Poe are unhappy with all of us. I can’t guarantee that any of us involved in today’s events are safe from a lashing.” 

“I wish your mom was here.” You admitted, heart strings pulling back almost immediately. 

Ben’s eyes averted to the creek, his breaths even and steady as he gazed at the flowing water rush around an embedded rock. You watched as he chewed on his bottom lip for a few moments, and you already felt guilty for talking about her. 

“Quit it,” Ben said your name. “You never have to feel guilt for talking about her.” 

“I know that, I just...I miss her.” You muttered, looking to his hand wrapped around your arm still. “I miss her leadership, her spirit. Leia cared about everybody, and she always made me feel...important. Even when I was just the Resistance’s receptionist.” 

He continued to look out to the water, face stoic. “It’s because she saw your potential, she knew you were meant for more. My mother was like that, constantly caring, even when it was too much or the cause was clearly lost.” 

His words were quiet, in a tone you hadn’t heard from him in a while, the hurt in his words present as ever. The grip from his palm wrapped around your arm slackened, leaving his thumb to glide back and forth across your skin lightly. 

You sighed at him, letting your head rest to the side. “I wish Leia could see you now. How incredible her son is.” 

Ben scoffed a bit, the corners of his mouth twitching up. “As holding the role of my girlfriend, I believe you’re supposed to say that to me.” 

Girlfriend. That was the first time he’d used that word, and although you were very familiar with you and his role in each one of your lives, the terminology of it still brought the butterflies resting in your stomach to wake, bouncing off the walls of your abdomen wildly. You tried to hide the bright red color blossoming in your cheeks. “Maybe so, but it’s true. You of all people would know if I was lying.” You joked, poking him in the bicep with a finger. “I mean it though, Ben. Your mother would be so unbelievably proud of you. Your father too. Chewie I know is.” 

“I’ve yet to really speak to him.” He admitted. “Every time I look at him I see my father, I see that look on his face when I…” He didn't finish that sentence, but you knew all too well how that story ended. 

“That wasn’t you. Snoke and Palpatine, they-” 

Ben turned his body to face you, grabbing both of your hands inside of his own as he stopped you in the middle of your words. His eyes were dark and glossy, jaw set firmly in its place. “It was me. I heard Chewie’s cries. I watched the life fade from my father’s eyes, as my saber went through his chest...and I didn’t feel a thing in that moment. No remorse, no regret.” He let out a long sigh, as he searched for the right words to use - if there were any. “I was so far gone on the ideas Palpatine was influencing me into, and I knew that Kylo could not live so long as Han Solo did. I made my choice, as wrong and horrible it was, I made it, and I will live with that for the remainder of my time in this world. There is nothing I can do to change that.” 

Ben waited a few moments, thumbs running over the veins in your hands. “Do you know how my mother died?” 

“Rey told everyone that she used the last of her life to...reach you through the Force.” You whispered with a sniffle.

Ben nodded, eyes blinking quick. “Yes. If it hadn’t been for her I’m unsure of how things would have ended. But it’s because of me, she died too. I’m the reason for my parent’s lives being lost, maybe even long before they both really died, and that haunts me like nothing else.” 

“But you,” Ben spoke your name, squeezing your hands between his a bit harder. “You are the only thing that makes me feel something other than immense guilt. I want to see Chewie. When I do, will you accompany me?” 

You didn’t know Chewie well, you didn’t even really speak his language, you could pick up a few words here and there, but other than that… However, you’d do just about anything for Ben if it meant he’d receive some closure, or just to get him to talk to Chewbacca. You nodded your head, reciprocating the pressure of his hands from yours. “Of course I will.” 

“Thank you.” Ben smirked. 

He watched your eyes for a moment in silence before releasing his grip of your palms. With a warm touch, Ben touched the side of your neck, bringing you close to him before planting a chaste kiss on your forehead. The gentleness of this act sent your heart into a frenzy, part of you would always remain in disbelief that this man was your boyfriend. Like a smitten school girl, a smile a mile wide spread across your pink cheeks. At least it was dark enough out that Ben couldn’t see just how closely you resembled a tomato...

He brushed his nose across your own for half a second, pulling himself back but leaving his hand to rest at your neck. “It’s late, Pretty. We’ve had a long day, I’ll take you home.” 

“Okay.” You regretfully agreed, and Ben helped you to stand. 

You both took the long way back to your tent, rounding the trees the whole way around to avoid seeing any others. Not that it mattered much anymore, you were positive the entire base was now in on you and Ben’s relationship, maybe even in on you and Poe’s escapades as well based off of his reaction at the docking bay. But, so long as it was up to you, you were determined to attempt to remain as invisible as you could until this all died down...if it ever would. There was that one time that Joshua and Melany of the weaponry department were caught having sex in the back of one of the transport ships just before it was about to take off. The whole base, you and Kaydel included, talked about that one for months. Joshua and Melany were both cited but kept their jobs thankfully, but neither one could leave their living quarters without snickers and talk behind their backs as they walked by. 

Part of you had a feeling that this situation was not like Melany and Josh’s, and you feared the snickers and gossip would soon be the least of you and Ben’s concerns…

Once you were close enough to your tent, and the coast seemed pretty clear, Ben squeezed your waist with his large hand, bringing you into his side a little closer. 

You looked at him disappointedly. “You won’t come with me?” 

“Not right now. Perhaps I’ll come by later tonight after most of your neighbors have lost interest for the evening.” Ben smiled down at you, releasing his hand off of your side. 

You guessed that was okay...After today, you didn’t want to be away from Ben even more than usual, for a variety of reasons that were all very valid in your own opinion. Before he could turn away, you lunged yourself into his chest with a little too much enthusiasm, sending him to shuffle a step backwards as he caught you at the waist. You laid your head into his chest, gripping onto the back of his sweater tight as you closed your eyes and breathed in the sweet scent of the fabric he wore. He held you for a few moments, reciprocating the pressure of your arms around his waist with his hands as they rubbed up and down your spine. 

“Thank you. For everything.” 

He huffed a slight chuckle. “I didn’t do anything.” 

Pulling back to look up at him, you rested your chin on his torso. “Yes you did. You help me everyday, whether it’s stepping in front of a blaster for me or making me feel like I’m not crazy, I’m...really grateful for you.” 

“I never said you weren't crazy, Love.” He laughed, his belly rumbling against your grip on him. Ben moved his right hand to hold the side of your face, and you instinctively leaned into his touch. “I should be the one doing the thanking.” The pad of his thumb ran under your lower eyelashes gently, and he blinked at you slowly. “I would do anything for you.”

Your heart seized, and he kissed you then, craning his neck to meet your lips with painstaking care. You kissed him back, clutching the fabric at his back between your fingers. Ben pulled away too quickly to your liking, releasing you from his hands before pinching the bottom of your chin in a swift motion. You watched him walk toward his side of base, hands shoved in his pants pockets as he disappeared through the dark trees, leaving you to walk back to your tent alone, the taste of his saliva still on your tongue and your chest fuzzy. 

-

Your name was typed in bold letters at the top of the message as it came through to your data pad with a gentle chime. You stared at the screen as it displayed a direct message from the Resistance’s main line. Any base wide alerts were sent out from this number, as well as personal messages from your General’s. The screen was bright as you read over the memo with sleepy eyes, the message waking you from a brief moment of sleep. 

SCHEDULED MEETING FOR _____  
GENERAL DAMERON, GENERAL FINN  
FOLLOWING DAY, DOCKING BAY SOUTH MEETING AREA. 1200. 

Well, shit. 

You groaned, rolling over in your cot to face plant into your pillow. Gods knew what this meeting was going to be like. Finn and Poe. A meeting with the both of them either meant something really good was going to happen, or the exact opposite. Given your current circumstances, the scale was leaning more to one way than the other. You noticed it was raining then, a rather rare occurrence in your time on Ajan Kloss. The droplets of rain fell heavily to hit the vinyl of your tent, leaving your quarters loud and a little bit more peaceful. You liked the rain a lot, closing your eyes once more, you listened to it fall for a few minutes. 

As if on cue, there was a sudden rustle outside of your tent’s walls, and soon you saw a hand poke through as Ben unzipped the door as fast as he could manage. 

The sight of him yet again brought you comfort immediately, his long hair was tucked under the hood of his black coat, a pair of black sweatpants that tapered at his ankles. You smiled at him, sitting up in your bed a little higher and to the opposite side to allow him a place to sit beside you. He quietly zipped your tent door back up before slipping his boots off at the foot of your cot and taking off his rain soaked jacket, hanging it along the footboard of your cot. 

“You were supposed to be asleep.” Ben whispered over the roar of the rain, taking a seat beside you on the bed. 

“Well I was, until I got this a few minutes ago.” You handed him your data pad, the message still displayed on the screen. 

He took it into his own hand, reading the message with a squint in his eyes and his mouth parted slightly. His brows rose and fell, and he handed the data pad back to you. “Try not to worry, they likely want to hear your side of the story. I’m sure they’ll do the same with Avex.” 

“What if they want to talk to you?” You asked him quietly, the worry in your voice present. 

Ben shrugged a bit, using his hand to wave in the direction of your bedside lantern, using the Force to light the dim flame encased in glass. “The General’s both fear me extensively, still. I don’t believe they want to hear my side of things.” 

Fear. You sighed, running your palms down your eyes and nose. “What a mess I’ve made. All because I lost my damn temper.”

“It wasn’t just you, I told you, I believe your reaction to Avex’s behavior was warranted.” 

You scoffed. “Well, I think you holding the title of my boyfriend means you’re supposed to say that.” You joked, poking fun at his words he spoke to you earlier in the day. 

His nose scrunched up as he chuckled, the lines around his eyes becoming deeper with the rise in his cheeks. “I believe that is how this works, doesn’t it?” 

“Guess so.” 

“Stop worrying,” Ben said, your name leaving his lips quietly. “You aren’t allowed to worry for the rest of the evening, understand?” 

You licked your bottom lip, raising your brows in defeat. “I’m not sure if that’s possible, but I'll try for you.” 

Ben’s palm was cold as it touched the side of your face, pulling you to turn and look at him directly, his hazel’s warm and welcoming. “I know that. But just for tonight, it’s only us. And there’s other ways I’d prefer we spend our time together.” 

Your stomach twisted warmly, his words quiet and...sultry? Ben was always a flirt, sure. But the look in his eyes dimmed, a flash of that very something you’d occasionally come into contact with while around Ben presented itself once more, as he placed both of his hands on either side of your face. Slow as ever, Ben dipped his head, meeting your eager lips with his own for the second time this evening. Only this time, there was a sort of hunger behind his tongue. 

He kissed you deeply as you fell back to lay your head on the pillow of your cot, your shaking hands rested gently on his biceps. You both lay like this for a while, Ben’s weight on top of your body very welcomed, his mouth moving slowly against your own as you ran your palms up and down the sleeves of his t-shirt. He smelled like the outdoors after a warm rain, wet dirt and green trees after walking through the storm. His saliva tasted sweet and minted, mild and cold at the same time. Your brain was practically vibrating, eyes closed tightly as you really, really tried not to get too lost in him, as you so often did. It was becoming a routine, every time you were lucky enough to have his lips on your own, you couldn’t help yourself. You wanted more, you wanted him to be everything, everywhere, all the time. In the darkest and worst of times in recent months, Ben had time and time again proven to be a lighthouse of sorts. Always guiding you...well, home. 

And then it hit you, right then and there while your lips were entangled with Ben’s, you’d put together a piece you never had before. 

As a child in grade school, the class had read a book about a young sailor and his journey across a vast sea, all alone. You couldn’t remember the name of the book to save your life, but the story itself was a locked memory you hadn’t thought about in years. It was one of those books that the teacher made you read, a test on the novel waiting at the end of the quarter. The story of the novel wasn’t the best, but you remembered the moral of the ending well enough. The sailor was named Jack, and lived in another galaxy, on a planet that was mostly water. He would travel by boat for months to deliver goods to various other parts of the world. On the night of his return to his home, Jack almost died due to a horrible storm at sea. In the final chapters, he miraculously had survived, but his boat was on the verge of sinking. Violent waves crashed along the edge of his vessel, sails rapidly shaking with the heavy winds as he desperately continued his journey back to land. Just when he thought it was over for him, out in the far distance, there was a dim light. 

It was soon that Jack realized his beacon was a large lighthouse in the far, far distance. The light would come and go as it spun in a circle to shine in all directions, and each time it would come around in the boat’s direction, the young sailor would feel a little bit more hope that he would arrive safely to shore. It took hours, but eventually Jack made it to shore where his wife and child were waiting for him. The class hated the book, even you included, but as you lay there then, kissing the man you loved, the moral of that old book became a little clearer. 

It wasn't the lighthouse guiding him home, it was the love for his family. The lighthouse just showed him where to look. 

Ben...He was your lighthouse. Ben was your home. He was your home. 

Hearing your rapid train of thoughts, Ben pulled back with a heavy breath, eyes searching yours for whatever it was that he was looking for. His lips were plump and pink, coated in spit before he licked it away with a quick pass of his tongue. And then a smile spread across his cheeks, a true smile, teeth and all as he lay above you, gleaming down at your tired eyes. 

Home. 

Thrown out into a dark sea, vicious waves crashing around you, the water rising in your lungs, moments before you thought you would drown once and for all- there he was, with a sweet grin, a snide comment and open arms. 

Home.

A blaster aimed in your direction, a stray blast in your path, Ben’s hand outreached to hold the blast in the Force as he pushed you out of it’s way. 

Home. 

Sharing a bottle of old wine and stale crackers beside a creek on a warm and starry night, a first kiss. 

Home. 

Ben stumbling out from behind an old X-Wing, sprained ankle wound in a thin cloth and a broken spirit, weapons pointed in his direction as you two shared the briefest glance amongst the crowd. You didn't know it then, but clear as day now, it was true. 

Home. 

Despite the rapid rain pounding onto the roof, it was practically silent in your living quarters. The only other sound being that of your erratic breaths as he continued to look down at you. From your angle below him, the lantern on your bedside table shadowed the curves of his cheeks, half of his face a darkened glow. You watched as his teeth clenched, his set jaw then relaxing as his pouted lips parted. The thoughts racing through your brain were flying by too fast, analyzing every emotion that Ben’s touch was pulling out of you with careful consideration. The way his fingertips were gliding across the skin of your face, the glazed and hazy look in his eye as he gawked down at you, the smell of his breath too intoxicating as always. You felt like you were floating, brain fuzzy and breath hitching.

Ben spoke slow and quiet next, every word falling out of his mouth to land straight at the bottom of your stomach. “Do you...want to try?”

You swallowed the spit accumulating on your tongue, you knew what he was asking without needing further confirmation. 

Did you? You pondered the thought for a brief moment, trying not to lose your train of thought in his irises looking down at you. It was something you’d pondered about doing with Ben more times than once, and likely he knew you’d thought about it before considering he had a front row seat to your brain, which in turn meant he already knew your feelings on the subject. 

He huffed a muted chuckle at you. 

“Do...Do you?” You asked him right back. 

His brows scrunched together for a brief moment, a confused look flashing across his face to only be then replaced with a quiet chuckle. Ben’s thumb dragged across your bottom lip with a gentle tug. “Of course I do.” 

Your breath hitched in your throat, eyes fluttering and stomach doing backflips. The answer was obvious, you’d never felt safer or more cared for with another person in your whole life. “I do too. I just know you told me you’d never done it before…” 

“I haven’t, it’s always been something I’ve wanted to experience with someone...Worthy. I don’t believe it is something to be thrown around so lightly.” Ben touched your lips with his hand once more. “There isn’t someone else I’d rather be my first.” 

Worthy. 

Ben smirked sweetly above you, his sweet eyes bouncing back and forth from your left to right. Ben would not be your first, but you hoped, prayed he would be your last. 

And that was all it took. With painstaking patience, Ben placed either of his hands on the side of your shoulders as he rose his body off of you. He sat back on his knees, pulling you up to meet him and laced the fingers on his right hand through the hair draped across the back of your neck. His touch was hesitant and warm, sending volts of whatever the hell he was somehow able to conjure up from his fingertips to shoot their way through your bloodstream. Ben’s hands slowly flowed down the outer skin of your arms, jumping across your hands laid at your side and to the hem of your shirt. 

Ben slipped his long fingers underneath the soft cotton fabric, and pulled. 

The warm evening air hit your chest as Ben threw your shirt somewhere into the abyss of the dark coating your tent. He then leant back, eyes locked onto your own, and gripped the neck of his own shirt, dragging the fabric off of his back and over his head in a swift motion. 

You attempted to keep your breathing under control, your heart housed behind your ribcage thumping so fast and loud that you could hear it between your own ears. You’d only done this before once, back in high school on Dulathia at a party, with a boy named Kit. You both liked one another, and it was nice and all, but the memories you had of that specific night, and that specific moment, were few. It was in Gina Plutarc’s guest room at her house, completely dark, and he only kissed you three times. The entire thing lasted about eight minutes if you remembered correctly, and it wasn’t anything like everyone made it out to be... You were a teenager, you didn’t love Kit, and it was just for fun. You didn’t regret it, but now with Ben, you hoped the experience would just be...different. Like in all of the books you read, when two people who really loved one another, and wanted to do this with one another as a way of showing their affection.

Lost in your own thoughts, Ben’s hand gripping your hip brought you back to reality, and he kissed you deep and gentle, a bloom of excitement exploding in your gut loud enough to ring between your ears, cancelling out the pouring rain pattering above the both of you. You kept your hands on his biceps when he pulled back, staring up at his hazel’s excitedly. 

With your shaking fingers, you reached around the clasp on the back of your bra and snapped the hook undone. It fell down your arms, the straps catching on your elbows as you pulled it off to land wherever your shirt ended up. Without a moment to spare, you began to unbuckle your belt and holster, eyes focused on the metal latch holding it all together as you worked to undo it. You wanted to bare yourself for Ben, in any way he would allow you to. With him, there was nothing to hide, no fear and nothing to be uncertain for. He loved you. You could feel it in your very own blood, could see it in the way he looked at you, the way he touched your skin and held your eye contact. He loved you. 

And you loved him. In the deepest and darkest place in your chest, this was a feeling you’d never once experienced before. In the last few months, there was so much uncertainty, so much fear and change. The only thing that you’d known certain, the only thing that was undoubtedly yours, was him. 

Ben was etched into your very being. 

With your shirt and bra gone, There you sat in front of him, in nothing but your panties, and Ben gawked at your sweat sheen skin as it glistened off of the orange flame of the lantern. His eyes trailed from your thighs to your stomach, up to your breasts and around your collarbones. You let him stare, feeling far too warm with his eyes glued to you. 

“Lay back, Love.” He asked of you in a delicate tone. 

You did as asked, gently laying your back against the cool sheets of your cot. Once you were positioned, Ben placed his palm at the base of your sternum, palm laid flat against your trembling skin. His fingertips were like silk as he began to elegantly drag them down the middle of your ribcage, pinky finger brushing across your nipple as he passed your breasts. 

You breath hitched in your throat as he cascaded his touch to your belly, rubbing the soft skin there with featherlike pressure. He let a breath out of his nose, your name leaving his mouth quietly. “You are so beautiful.” 

Before you could respond, Ben’s lips were on yours in a flash, his body falling to lay directly beside you. His hand stayed in its place on your lower stomach, stroking hip to hip. You wanted to climb on top of him right then and there, throwing your thigh over his own, only for Ben to push you back to you spot beside him. 

You pulled back from his kiss, eyebrows pulled together. He blew a hot breath through your nose, sending you skin to cover in chills. 

“I don’t want to rush.” He spoke. “I’m going to touch you, is that alright?” 

“Oh,” You breathed out, taken aback by his question only a little. A long lock of hair dangled in front of his eye, and you couldn’t for whatever reason stop staring at it. After catching your breath for a second, you nodded yes to him. 

Slow as Ben could manage, he let his hand dip lower and lower down your belly until the tips grazed the elastic in the waistband of your panties. But he did not go past there, not before glancing back up to your eyes for another look of reassurance. Sensing his apprehension, you decided to take the reins yourself for a moment and placed your hand on top of his own, and guided him past the waistband of your undergarment and to the starting point for his fingers to explore. 

The first touch of the pad of his middle finger skimming across your clit sent your breath to hitch violently. Ben looked back up to you, a coy grin already present on his lips. How was he so calm about this? Meanwhile you, practically feral at the slightest touch from his long fingers…Like he was magic or something. Well, not that that statement was entirely false… 

A few minutes had passed as Ben continued to circle his fingers, experimenting with different pressures and touches to see how you reacted to them. You let out a shaky breath, one hand gripping his shirt sleeve lightly. He chuckled gently as he pressed his lips to kiss your shoulder. “I said I’d never done this before, not that I didn’t have some idea as to how to do it.” He purred against your neck, warm breath slipping away as he kissed the skin there. 

His sudden confidence was only adding to the spin of your head. He held you tight with his free hand on your ribs as he lay beside you on your rickety cot, trying to keep yourself from cumbusting right there under his fingertips. Ben’s fingers danced around your middle, feather light touches just before he would apply pressure, circling your sensitive skin hidden under your panties. Your eyes closed, a croaking moan leaving your lips as your back lurched forward involuntarily. You’d never been touched in such a manor before, and it was proving to be a losing fight. 

“Shh,” Ben cooed sweetly. “You do have neighbors, the rain might not hide us for long.”

“S-sorry,” You apologized in a hush, shutting your eyes so tight that they burned. 

“Don’t apologize.” He muttered, slowing the rhythm of his fingers against your clit. “If it were up to me, I’d want the entire base to hear you.” 

What in the hell was happening? You’d never heard Ben talk in such a manner, the sultry sound of his hushed voice mixed with the suggestive nature of his words was sending your heart racing, his hand in between your legs causing a dangerous elixir of emotions that was not easy to keep to yourself. You fought yourself, trying to keep the sound of your groans as quiet as you could. You were not a stranger to your own self pleasure, but having another person do it was a whole other world. Especially someone like Ben, it was as if the pheremones from his being were pouring out of his fingertips to add such an added layer to the action that you already began to feel yourself falling further and further away from yourself. 

“I, I…” You began to sputter, Ben’s hand circling faster. 

“What is it?” He asked in your ear, warm breath blowing past your sweat dampened hair covering the side of your head. 

Your legs seized, squeezing your thighs around his hand buried in your middle. You weren't sure exactly what you needed to tell him, if you were honest with yourself. It was a feeling you were unfamiliar with, as badly as you wanted - needed - him to finish you off, even more than that, you needed him right then, and right there. With a quick hand, your fingers rushed to his own that were still behind the lace of your underwear, stopping his circling with a tight grip. Ben looked to you with a confused glare on his face, forehead sweat glistened and lip quivering just a tad. 

“I,” You started once more, hoping he would catch your drift. “Please.” 

Ben smirked wickedly, his fingers gliding up from your clit to drag to your stomach with painstakingly patience strokes. “Please what?” 

Oh Gods. How, in a time like this, was Ben able to maintain that incredible smug attitude he’d so well adopted? Perhaps he’d always been smug, even as his time as the Supreme Leader. Maybe Ben was just a smug asshole the entire time. Reading your thoughts and reading the room, he grinned even wider, bringing his lips down to your neck and kissing the soft skin there, before bringing what he could in between his teeth and sucking rough and hard. He may as well have been sucking the very life out of you like some sadistic vampire, the more and more he touched you, spoke to you, kissed you, breathed on you, it was all just too much. 

“Ben, p-please,” 

“What is it, Pretty?” 

“You damn well know!” You whisper shouted, growing irritated with his games and frustrated with your nerves on high alert.

His fingers did not stop in their pace, only quickening to just as fast, slow their pace, always leaving you on the edge, never allowing you to fall. You gripped his wrist tight, nails digging into his warm skin. 

“Tell me what you need.” Ben purred in your ear. “Tell me what you want.” 

Why did he have to make this so difficult? He knew exactly what you wanted him to do, your thoughts giving him an exact road map as to where and when you needed him. But again, his ego was just too powerful, your vulnerable state beneath him proving to be too much for you to handle. 

“I...I need you.” You whimpered, voice high on the ecstasy your body was desperately begging for. “Please, I- I want you.” 

Despite that not quite being exactly what Ben was hoping to hear, it was enough for him. Swift as could be, Ben removed his hand from your middle and rose from his spot on the bed to kneel above you, knees on either side of your hips as he fumbled with the waistband of his sweatpants. With a pull, he dropped the pants down his thighs, his dick flipping out from behind his underwear, precum glistening the top as he positioned himself. 

You had to stare, you physically couldn’t stop yourself. Ben pulled back a bit, maneuvering himself so he could pull the reminder of his pants completely off of his legs, leaving him completely bare in front of you. The sight of that caused your jaw to slacken, mouth going dry as you mentally traced the lines that made up the muscles on his abdomen, scars lined and littered across his entire body, some obviously left there by lightsabers and others obscure in their shapes. Freckles and darkened moles were placed all along his skin, like a map of stars or something profound like that. Ben’s skin was electric and light, warm and welcoming as he placed his hands on the hem of your panties, hooking his fingers under the elastic and dragging them off of your legs, but not before watching your eyes to ensure you were encouraging him to move further. 

After your panties fell to your ankles, you were bared to him fully as he was to you. Ben wasn’t shy about his gawking, his eyes visibly trailing from your breasts down to your middle to finish their trip at the sight of your thighs. His lips parted gently as he pushed his long hair out of his eyes with a free hand, sighing deeply as he gripped either side of your legs before him. “Is this what you want?” He asked genuinely, stare still glued to your naked body and that familiar attitude of his faded, his eyes softening. 

In that moment, you weren’t sure if you had ever once wanted anything else more. His cock twitched as it brushed against the inner side of your thigh, the heat radiating off of your middle like a magnet to his hips. “Yes, Ben.” You affirmed, making sure he heard every syllable of every word you were speaking. 

That was all he needed to hear, and without a second to spare, Ben gripped his member and lined it up with your center, one more quick glance to your eyes and just like that, he sunk himself into you. 

The feeling of him inside of your center was a feeling you hoped you’d never, ever forget. You were full, warm, safe, allowed this amount of pleasure and vulnerability with no judgment or worry. It was freeing, in the best way possible, and you knew then that this was what sex was meant to be. Ben placed his open palms below either side of your ribs as he pulled out partially, before pushing himself back in, creating a gentle and easy pace for the both of you to move with one another. 

“Oh...” Ben threw his head back with a hoarse groan, his eyes closing gently as he found a slow and steady rhythm. 

Biting your bottom lip to prevent yourself from shrieking out, you gripped into his sweaty forearms for dear life, feeling yourself stretch and envelope around him with every pulse of his hips. Thankfully, the rain was working wonders to cover the sound of your rickety bed frame squeaking with the slightest of movement, an old generator a hundred feet away still humming in the distance as it always did. The sight of Ben was ethereal, dark and long, sweat ridden hair plastered to his forehead, pink lips apart to reveal his teeth and tongue, eyelids shut gently as he moved against you, lost in his own moment of pleasure.

“You feel so good,” Ben spoke your name, his voice cracking as he quickened his pace. 

His hips hit your tailbone sharply, bringing a moan out of you that was perhaps a bit too loud. “Ben,” 

Ben brought his head back, releasing his handle on your hips to fall on top of your body, his elbows rested on your cot and smushed against either side of your rib cage. His chest hit your breasts, the heat coming off of him was wondrous, and Ben met your lips with his own harshly. His saliva dropped out of his own mouth down to drip on your tongue as he kissed you sloppily. His teeth smashed against yours, one of his hands holding onto your thigh as he pushed himself back inside of your warmth. 

The next moment his hips pulled back, you slipped your own hand to your center, running circles around your clit as Ben leaned back to allow you the space to do so. It was unreal, the pulsing of pleasure that was rushing through your veins like blood, your head spinning around the tent as he only pulled you closer into him. Ben’s body shook above you, forearms trembling as he gripped onto you with everything he had, so hard intact that you knew in the morning there would be bruises in the shape of his fingertips left all over you. You’d wear the marks of him proudly, any day. 

He quickened his pace minorly, watching your hand run around your clit closely. Ben’s eyes fluttered back into his head as he let out a soft groan of pleasure. Your own eyes locked onto his body before you, his tall frame was causing half of his legs to hang off the end of the bed and his head to brush against the ceiling of your tiny tent, but his chest was dotted in sweat and the outlines of all of his muscles were shaped in perfect curves, the dip on either side of his hips cut out deeply and a trail of dark and smooth hair lined down the center of either to lead to his pelvis. 

His hands were tightly wound around your upper thighs, his hips hitting yours at a quicker and quicker rhythm, with your hand dancing around your clitorus you knew you wouldn’t last much longer. All of your senses were on high alert, it felt like every nerve ending in your entire body was being branded by a hot iron as you lurched closer and closer to your demise. 

Ben met your eyes for the first time in minutes as he sensed your body beginning to stiffen. His gaze down to you was glazed over and his jaw slackened. “Gods, you’re so...You’re something else,” 

With a round of your fingers and a jolt from Ben’s hips, your body released itself from its own hold, and you came down from the high of pleasure harder than you’d had in a long time. A gentle heat spread from the tips of your pointed toes all the way up past your neck, spine rolling upward as Ben continued to move back and forth inside of you. It was bliss, unlike anything you’d experienced before, and you let out a shaking, heaving breath as you rode out the final waves of your orgasm. 

He lurched himself back down on top of you then, his sweaty chest met yours as he buried his face into the side of your neck, grasping the flimsy headboard behind the both of you. His opposite hand held your thigh in it’s same place, bringing you flush with his body as much as he could. Ben was gasping in your ear, his breathing shallow and quick, guttural, hushed cries bubbling in his throat. 

“I...I-I’m going to-” He sputtered out, holding your leg so tight it stung peacefully. 

You were out of breath, still reeling from your own peak as you wrapped your arms around his wide shoulder blades. “It’s okay, I’ve got you.”  
With your encouragement and your arms clung around his shoulders, Ben thrusted his hips twice more, and on the third hit of his pelvis, he whimpered loudly into your neck, attempting to muffle his moan as he came inside of you. 

His body stiffened and shook, his hot breath blowing out onto the side of your neck as he released himself fully, collapsing his full weight on top of you while he caught the air in his lungs. You ran a palm up and down his back, kissing a freckle on his shoulder over and over again. He was heavy, your own lungs still trying to catch up with you, but it was perfect. You’d gladly die of suffocation if it meant you got to be underneath him. 

Hearing you as always, Ben rolled off to the side of the tiny cot, half of his body leaning off the mattress as he stared at the tent ceiling. 

“There’s a leak in your ceiling,” He commented breathlessly, pointing to the far left corner where there was indeed water dripping from a torn edge of vinyl. 

“I’ll fix it tomorrow.” You said over the pounding rain that was only now beginning to land harder and louder. 

Turning to your side, you watched his tired eyes as they blinked slow and heavy. You reached out to him, placing your hand inside of his ginormous one that was rested against his ribs. “That was…” 

Ben didn’t let you finish that sentence, instead he turned to face your direction and smashes his lips into yours with enough force that both of your teeth clinked together for a brief moment. He held your hand encased in his own still on his chest as he kissed you deeply, still heaving in the brief moments of separation. 

He pulled away after another kiss and stared back at your sleepy eyes as his head hit the pillow. Then, he brought his fist holding your hand up to his swollen lips, and closed his eyes as he kissed your knuckles. “We should... Go run to the creek and stand in the rain...Wash off.” He spoke between deep inhales. 

You still couldn't believe what you’d just experienced with Ben. He was so… You couldn’t even put a word on the tail of that sentence. Your brain was too fogged, vision tunneled to only allow you to look back at his sweaty, red, beautiful face. Now, He was something else…

Despite the jumbled thoughts in your head, you squeezed your fingers tightly as they were held inside of his fist, and you smiled at him in disbelief of as to how you got so lucky to call this man beside you, yours. The tears were welling in the corners of your eyes already, and your heart blossomed too big to keep behind your vibrating ribcage. “Okay, put your pants back on and we’ll go.” 

“Oh no,” Ben grinned, a horse chuckle leaving his throat. “Let’s just make a run for it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So? What did you think, did I do okay? Let me know on here or message me on Tumblr! 
> 
> Tumblr: @ yourtypeof-metal


	16. Rival to The Resistance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dreaded meeting with your General's clears a few things up, but you'll have to follow some new guidelines if you want to keep your job.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, long time no see, right? How is everyone?! Hope you all are staying safe and healthy. So I know it's been like, a long time since I last posted, but things have been wild around here so I didn't have much time, or really the motivation to continue this work which you know, sucked. Writer's block is the literal worst, and after months of trying to work on this next chapter, I think I finally got it to a point that I at least feel it's satisfactory enough to post and gets all of my major points across. I know it isn't a super long update, but I got something out there and I'm proud of myself for that! I have some fun ideas for the next chapter, which I promise will have much more Ben. ;) I'm still not 100% sure exactly how many chapters are left of this, I'm considering a few other ideas I have in place so I think we're just going to go with it and see where it takes us. Anyways, thank you all so, so SO much for sticking with me through these crazy times, for commenting and sharing and just making me feel happy about this work. I love to write this Ben and I thank everyone who reads this for letting me write him for you. 
> 
> I also have a Tumblr if anyone wants to follow or ask questions or even give me suggestions for what they'd like to see unfold in this story! I'd love to hear your thoughts. https://yourtypeof-metal.tumblr.com/

CHAPTER SIXTEEN 

  
  


Ben tugged your hand behind his back as he poked his messy-haired head outside of your tent, glancing back and forth for any signs of your fellow Resistance soldiers up at this unruly hour. He looked back to you and with his free hand, held a long index finger up to his lips as he took a step outside of the protective walls of your living quarters, out into the path of the aggressive rain as it fell. 

The rain pitter pattered off of the mushy soil loudly, even louder against the surrounding tent’s protective vinyl walls and makeshift roofs. This was absurd, absolutely ridiculous, and for whatever reason you still weren’t very sure about, Ben had somehow managed to get you to agree upon it. 

In all fairness, your brain was still very scattered. The events of the night were continuing to race across your mind. The feeling of Ben’s fingers trailing down your body, the sight of his bottom lip quivering as he came down from his ecstasy still bouncing off of the walls of your skull. The way his rough palms grabbed at your breasts, the sensation of the pad of his middle finger circling your middle… Gods. You were certain it would take a long, long time for you to fully be restored and when you finally did, you hoped that Ben would make you feel all of it all over again and again. For someone who was celibate for so long, he definitely didn’t live up to that hype. You watched his bare back as he crouched in front of you, the rain pouring down into his eyes to drip down the curve of his nose. 

Ben waggled his eyebrows excitedly, before nodding once to ensure you were still going along with this wild scheme of his. To your own surprise, you silently nodded your head, and just like that you were thrust out into the warmth of the rain, completely bare as an equally naked Ben ran in front of you, his shoulders bouncing as you both sprinted for the covering of the trees nearby. 

Your surrounding neighbors were thankfully secluded in their own tents, only a handful of lantern lights could be seen from this distance, and all you could think about was get the  _ hell  _ into the forest before someone sees you both like this. You gripped you and Ben’s clothes in your free arm, they were sopping wet already but at least you could wear them back. Ben pulled your hand interlocked in his fingers behind his back as he ran, your feet sinking into the damp soil as the rain trailed down into your eyes. Thankfully, you were rather close to the edge of the neighborhood of tents, and it didn’t take longer than half a minute before you were saved by the large tree trunks making up the edge of camp, but Ben didn’t stop there. 

You knew exactly where he was headed, you both took this route practically every time. The clearing was a fifteen minute walk if you took your time, but at the speed you were being dragged, it wasn’t long before the trees opened up to you and Ben’s infamous spot along the creek. 

The rain was falling even harder now as you stepped foot into the depressed grass, and Ben chuckled as he swung you around, letting your hand go as he breathed in the smell of the wet outdoors. 

You watched him half bewildered as he put both of his arms out at his side and palms facing the sky, letting the rain wash his skin clean. Ben’s eyes closed gently and a warm grin tugged up the corners of his lips. He took a deep breath, and after a moment of silence, he let out a laugh. 

It was difficult to not get lost in the moment, get lost  _ staring  _ at the beautiful sight in front of you that was a bare skinned Ben Solo, standing in the middle of a wet field as rain pelted his body, carrying with it not only the dirt and sweat accumulated from the long day, but it seemed as if the water that was dripping from his nose and running down the muscles of his abdomen were washing away more than just the sweat and dirt from his skin. Perhaps with it, the rain was cleansing Ben of a bit of that iniquitous emotional weight he carried so painfully.

Like all of the anger, the hurt, the suffering and the  _ guilt  _ had no place here. In the clearing, it often never did. When it was only you and him, there was no shame and no regret, nothing was too far or too painful to bring forth. Some of the most important and life changing moments between Ben and you took place in this very grass that coddled the creek in the center of it. This was another one of those moments, and as you stood there with the rain blurring your vision through damp eyelashes, you smiled.

For that little while, it was like Ben was...human. To be punctual, you really had no idea how much of that statement was true considering the powerful being Ben had shown he was time and time again. It was like there was no Kylo, no weight placed on his back so heavy he physically hunched himself over, no Jedi, no Force, no  _ anything _ . 

Except a man being stitched back together by the healing rain. 

You stared at him for what seemed like a long time, in some sort of trance. Here you were, naked as the night was dark, standing out in the open to allow anyone at all to see you and Ben playing in the rain like children, and the care of that worry was completely gone. 

For this little time you had together, you wanted to forget about it all. Forget about work and about Poe and Zorii and Kaydel and Avex and that godforsaken meeting with the General’s tomorrow and just be in this moment that you weren’t sure you’d ever be granted again. Rain was uncommon on Ajan Kloss but that was not the reason you worried this would pass you by. 

Ben opened his eyes then and placed his arms back down at his sides. Over the roar of the water, he shouted at you. “You changed my life, do you know that?” 

You huffed out a breath through your nose. “I think that’s the opposite way around.” 

He took a long step forward, closing the space between the two of you. “Maybe so.” Ben placed a knuckle under your chin, angling your neck to look up at him. “But you truly did.” 

“I didn’t do anything but treat you like a human being.” 

“That’s much more than many else have done.” His head tilted to the right as his tongue licked past his sodden lips. “I am immensely thankful for you,” He spoke your name, and you could have floated off into the sky.

The rain didn’t let up, only continuing to pelt you in the face as you peered up at him. Ben’s dark hair was soaked and plastered to his forehead and the sides of his face, eyelashes working twice as hard to keep his vision clear enough to where he could see you. You placed your hand over his that was stuck to your chin, and squeezed. “I am immensely thankful for you too, Ben.” 

And you both just watched one another’s eyes, gentle smiles on your lips as you yourself tried to soak in every single second of this rare moment between the both of you. You silently prayed to any God that would listen, that this moment would be the first of many, and then you kissed him as hard as you could.

-

Your escapade with Ben was a nice distraction. But the following morning, you were reminded of just how shit everything had truly gone- and your anxiety was like, over the moon. 

Everyone, and you meant  _ everyone,  _ had their eyes on you as you walked through the common area on your way to your scheduled meeting with the Generals. It was like you had antlers sprouting from your head or something, the way all of their eyes trailed you, locked on your swift movements as you attempted to ignore the unwanted attention. The base was quiet. Very quiet. It was...unsettling. All of your fellow soldiers and coworkers were  _ staring  _ you down as you approached the meeting tent, and they all knew exactly why you were there. 

You couldn’t hear the whispers, but they were certainly there. Probably hushed conversations saying things like ‘ _ that’s her,’  _ and  _ ‘can you believe she was with Kylo Ren?’  _ or maybe  _ ‘what a dumbass.’  _ that one was probably closest… 

The time on your data pad read 11:55AM, and you took the liberty of the five whole minutes before the meeting began to mentally prepare yourself. The way Ben reacted the day prior didn’t necessarily insinuate that he and yourself were in a  _ relationship,  _ but it did appear that he cared for you, which might have been enough to get your ass in a decent amount of trouble. Just stay calm, you kept repeating in your head. Listen to what they have to say, react accordingly, and  _ don’t  _ try a slap Dameron across the face…

Jen appeared soon after, snapping you out of your moment and ushered you into the meeting tent that sat in the south common area. Ducking your head as you passed through the tent doors, there was a flimsy table in the center of the room, and both sat on the opposite side were Finn and Poe. 

You didn’t say a word as you took a seat at the dark walnut table top with rickety, old legs as you tapped your fingertips on it. Finn was speaking to Jen as she handed him a few stacks of paperwork inside of a tan folder, and you were attempting, and failing, to avoid Poe’s gaze. Finn was talking about something, but you weren't paying enough attention to really understand what. Instead, your eyes were fixated on your lap, your data pad in your pants pocket as the screen illuminated from underneath the dark denim. It was likely a message from Kaydel, but you weren’t about to look right now anyway. Poe’s eyes were heavy on you, you wanted so badly to look back up at him and read his energy to give you some sort of idea of what thoughts were going on his head, but you couldn't. 

A sudden yawn escaped you, and you tried your best to duck your head into your chest to avoid looking bored. After the night spent with Ben, you managed to only get about four and a half hours of sleep. Not that you were complaining at all, you’d gladly never sleep again for him. But you certainly were tired, the adrenaline piggybacking off of your anxiety masked that pretty well. You had no idea what you were going to say today. But what you  _ did  _ know, was that you were done trying to please everybody. That was your fatal flaw you decided, you cared too much about everything; and too much about people who did not deserve it.

A simple, “Good luck.” was all that Ben said before he had left you for the day, and his words rang around your head in circles, just remembering the sound of his voice was helpful to cool your nerves even in just the slightest. 

Finn cleared his throat as a signal that the meeting was to begin, he spoke your name in a soft tone as he set a stack of papers down in front of him. “Thank you for coming. Uhm, I’m sure you’re aware of why Poe and I called you to this meeting,” 

You looked up at him, brown eyes delicate and jaw slack as he folded his hands on the desk. You nodded. “I believe so, General.” 

“I also would assume then that you are aware of the severity of the actions that took place yesterday?” 

What kind of question was that? You squinted at him. “Uhm, if you could elaborate on that, I would appreciate-” 

“Don’t do that.” Poe spoke up, venom dripping off his tongue immediately. “Ren. We’re here to discuss your involvement with Kylo Ren.” 

His words were like daggers straight to your lungs, so much so that your breath audibly caught in your throat. This was  _ not  _ how you wanted this meeting to start off, but unfortunately you were rather clever, so there wasn’t really much hope for any other outcome. With a shaking hand, you pulled your hair to the side to allow it to flow down your shoulder, leaving it out of a hair tie today on purpose…

You took a breath, trying not to lose your temper so soon. “General, I can assure you that my engagement with...Ren, is not the way you believe it to be.” You lied through your teeth, and it _hurt._

Even to save your job, your  _ life,  _ lying about your relationship with Ben, and using his former alias to please others, caused your stomach to twist in an unsettling way. 

Poe scoffed, a sly grin pulling up his cheeks. 

Damn him, damn him straight to hell for the way he still somehow, someway managed to make your heart flutter even in a time like this. You were so mad at him, so determined to not let that show right now but Gods, he was making it difficult. 

“Well,” Finn began, leaning forward a bit. “Even if that to be so, the argument between you and Avex is something Poe, nor I, can ignore.” 

“I’d actually prefer you didn’t ignore it,” You said, stomach fluttering with a boost of adrenaline seeping from your honesty. “I know and understand that the way I reacted in the docking bay was not appropriate, but in all fairness General’s, I’ve reached out about these issues multiple times and-“ 

“This is the first I’ve heard about it.” Finn raised an eyebrow to you, and your jaw clenched, one hand tight on your knee as the nails dug into the jean material over it. 

_ What?  _ “I’ve spoken to General Dameron about-“ 

“Ah,” Finn nodded his head, leaning back in his chair with a slight grin as he cut you off early. “That explains it.” 

“W-I’m sorry?”

“I was going to take care of it-” Poe started, but Finn shut him down. 

“That is another topic we are going to discuss today. The two of you and your strange animosity toward one another.” Finn glanced at his co-general, whose jaw was wound tight as could be. 

You huffed a little, eyelashes fluttering.  _ Unbelievable. _ “There most certainly is nothing to discuss about that, General.” 

Poe then locked his eyes onto yours, and the air in the room felt like it was being sucked out by a giant vacuum. His hair was long now, curls framing his face in a dark shadow and the stubble covering his chin long, long overdue for a shave. Poe’s eyes were piercing, his pupils the darkest thing you’d ever seen. You wanted to be so mad at him, scream over the rickety table to Finn about how _ Poe _ had kissed  _ you,  _ had called  _ you _ while he was away, had made  _ you _ feel something you hadn’t felt in a long time _ ,  _ to only then bring Zorii back to the base. To mask his true feelings, to use you as a cover up or a remedy or whatever it could have been Poe Dameron had wanted from you. But that didn’t matter anymore for a multitude of reasons, and the current worry was focused on the fight that you and Avex had shared in front of half of the base.

“General Finn, I do apologize for my behavior yesterday...But Avex had no right to treat me the way he did. To be quite honest with you, I’m a bit unsure as to why I’m the only one here right now, when clearly it was Avex who was the aggressor. I was only defending myself and-” 

“Avex’s employment with the Resistance was terminated this morning. He’s on a transporter back to the nearest air station for passage to his home world.” Poe said flatly, his eye contact burning a hole in your skull.

“Oh,” You sighed out. Well, there went  _ that _ part of your argument... Although that was quite the relief, you couldn’t think about that now. Your hands writhed in your lap, an empty, shaking pit making a home inside of your gut. “I, well…” 

Finn seemed to take note of your inability to piece together the right things to say. You’d covered all of the major topics for the meeting briefly, but there was only one that really needed to be elaborated further. You knew it was coming even before Finn opened his mouth. He spoke slow and clearly, hands together as he leaned forward. “With all of that being said, there is still the matter of the event with Ben Solo yesterday afternoon.” 

You gulped. 

“The way you two interacted, it was...alarming. Perhaps like the two of you have become close with one another.” 

You pulled your gaze to the wooden table top, feeling the heat in your cheeks rise. “You’re telling me I have to get approval from you in order to speak to whom I want to?” 

“Of course not.” 

“Then what exactly am I in trouble for here, Finn?” 

“You’re not in trouble.” He confirmed. “We’re concerned.” 

Although being told you were not necessarily in  _ trouble _ , the way that Finn  _ said  _ that wasn’t sitting right with you. “Concerned? What in the hell would you need to be concerned about from me?” You spat, your voice rising just a tad. Not to yell, you just needed to get your point across without being interrupted again. “I have been nothing but loyal to the Resistance. I’m a hard worker, I’ve done things that were far above my pay grade or my expertise, you both just gave me a promotion not long ago, so I’m confused as to why you are concerned with my work performance.” 

Poe scoffed. “It’s not your work performance we’re worried about.” 

“Then what exactly is it?” You asked simply, and the room fell quiet for a brief moment.

Poe leaned his elbows against the dark table top, leaning in closer. “If your loyalty to the Resistance is to be trusted.” 

You stared back at Poe with utter confusion, the former adrenaline in your blood ran cold. “Excuse me?” 

“Ren. Ben Solo, whatever the  _ fuck _ you want to call him. Although we have no right to tell you who you can and can’t be friends with, Kylo Ren is another story.” 

The air in your lungs heaved out in one long sigh, leaving your chest empty and hot with the lack of oxygen. What was he saying? You of all people,  _ you _ were not to be trusted, when all along you had been nothing but devoted to the Resistance. Your teeth were grinding against one another as your jaw clenched, heart beating and sweat forming on the back of your t-shirt. With a shaky inhale, you asked the both of them the only question that mattered right then. “What are you trying to say to me?” 

Finn let out a breath, lips pursed for a moment before he unlatched his hands from one another and leaned into his chair. “We’re trying to say that we need you faithful to your  _ job. _ If you want to keep it, there’s a few things we need from you.” 

A long moment passed, it seemed like a small eternity as you sat there in front of your General’s, heart thoroughly stopped in its tracks. Your fingers intertwined with one another underneath the table, knuckles bound together so hard you couldn’t feel your joints anymore. 

“W-what would those be?” 

Poe’s jaw was locked into place, the look in his eyes difficult to place. He seemed...uneasy. 

Finn blinked a few times at your frozen face, pulling out a piece of paper from the manilla folder under his arm. “We need your written consent and acknowledgement that you’ll keep yourself away from any and all possible...Rivals, to the Resistance. That includes Ben Solo.” 

You scoffed a little, staring at the paper set in front of you with a bunch of dumb legal shit with a line at the bottom where your signature would stand. “You’re making me sign a contract saying that I won’t betray the Resistance by...being friends with Ben Solo? You realize how insane this is, don’t you?” 

Neither of them seemed to like the way you phrased that. Poe said your name slow and low, and the mere sound of his voice made your blood run cool. “You have to understand that you are in a position-”

“I don’t have to understand anything.” You began, pushing the paper away from you. “This is ridiculous. You really think that me of all people, is going to betray my job? I manage part of the docking bay and file paperwork, I don’t man the fucking cannons. I think my personal life is the least of your worries.” 

“Solo has seemed to only converse with two people. Rey, and you.” Finn said. “Do you want to explain why that may be?”

_ No.  _ Alright, they had a good point. It wasn’t a good look. Although it was true, you needed to make them believe it wasn’t. Moreover, you needed this job. So, you took a deep breath, filling your hot lungs with the dry air in hopes to keep yourself calm. You’d already met your lashing-out quota for the week. In a quick flash of your hand, you grabbed the pen that sat in front of Poe and scribbled your name angrily on the paper, committing to the promise written before you. 

You didn’t know how, but you weren’t going to lose this job, and you were certainly not going to lose Ben. Just sign the damn paper and get out of this damn tent that was  _ Gods,  _ suddenly so warm. Were Finn and Poe sweating as much as you were? You felt a bead of sweat fall down the back of your neck. 

“Thank you.” Finn nodded, filing the paper back into the folder. “Now, I’m going to go make some copies of this and give you two a few moments to work out whatever the hell is going on with you two so we can all move on from this. Alright?” 

He was gone too quick for you to  _ beg  _ for him to stay. The last thing you wanted was to be alone with Poe right now. You were angry and desperately trying to hide that. It was past noon and you had work to do. Folding your arms over your chest, you sat back in the chair a bit and  _ glared  _ at Dameron across from you. 

Poe rose one eyebrow at you, and you returned the sentiment by squinting your eyes at him. He shook his head, a slight grin on the corners of his mouth. “Your hair looks nice today.” 

Don’t react, don’t react. “Thanks.” You pulled your gaze away from him quickly.  _ Jerk. _

“Uhm,” Poe ran a hand over his eyes. “Well, I guess we finally can talk about this.” His hand waved between the two of you. 

“Honestly, I’d rather not.” You spit, and Poe chuckled a bit. 

“I wouldn’t have guessed, since you’ve been clearly avoiding me for days.” 

You almost walked out right then and there, but then he spoke your name once more, in a gentle tone you hadn’t heard from him in a long time, and you finally decided to look back up at him. “Listen. I’m...Shit. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for...Bringing Zorii back here without telling you, and I’m s-sorry for not taking your feelings into account.” 

You were so ready to tear him a new one but then- oh, wait, was Poe Dameron...apologizing? No way.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I wanted to try and talk about it but every time I did, you pushed me away and I...yeah.” 

Your lips pursed, hands clung around your own arms in a vice. How do you respond to that? Your gut instinct was to be decent and give him the benefit of the doubt, but that would be too easy. “Why ever would I have pushed you away?” 

Poe groaned. “I’m going to be honest with you,” 

“That’ll be a first.” 

“Can you just...Come on,” He pleaded in a delicate tone.

Alright, alright. You had your fun. “Go ahead then.” 

“Zorii and I have...a lot of history. We worked together for a long time. After I left her and my previous work to join the Resistance, we asked for her help before the fight on Exegol, and she came through. Her home world, Kijimi, was destroyed after the raids led by Kylo Ren and his Knights. Zorii needs a job, and Finn and I have agreed to help her. And I didn’t…I got upset because I wanted to tell you, but Ren got into your head first and now this whole fucking mess…” 

You wished he would stop using that name. As much as you wanted to jump across the table and slap him, you also wanted to listen to his side of the story now that he was being honest. At least, you hoped he was being honest. 

“I like you, okay? You’re smart, capable, resilient, pretty,” Poe’s voice quivered in the slightest as the words rolled quietly off his tongue. “It’s just that Zorii and I, every time we get away from each other, somehow we always run back into one another. And everything that’s happened lately has made me realize that I...I want to try again with her. For real, this time.” 

Your mouth twisted as you bit the inside of your cheek subconsciously, considering what he had said to you. You couldn’t...you couldn’t  _ blame  _ him for feeling that. Oh no, were  _ you _ the asshole now? No. No you weren’t, stop that. 

Poe then placed his hand palm up on the table in your direction, and you studied the lines that made up his fingers as he silently asked you to take his hand. Damn you and your sensitivity, you felt your cheeks warm and water, eyes hopelessly attempting to keep the tears from showing themselves. After a few seconds of thought, you clenched your jaw, and set your hand in his. 

Poe’s fingers curled around your knuckles in a comforting gesture, and he dipped his head to look at you and make sure you were listening. “You’re important here, and I don’t want you to go anywhere. But I can’t make a good case for you after everything that happened with  _ him. _ So please, just…” 

He left his words hanging off his mouth, and you knew what he was insinuating. Damn your eyes for betraying you, you used your free hand to wipe a single tear from your cheek as it rolled down the crease of your nose. You looked back at him, studying the way his jaw clicked back and forth as he finished his speech and awaited your response. You were  _ smart _ , so it was hard to disagree with his logic knowing it was the full truth. 

Ben would never be seen to the rest of the galaxy as he was seen by you. He would forever be Kylo Ren, forever be reprimanded by his actions and never trusted - and those who conversed with him would unfortunately be carried along behind that. It was not like you didn’t see this coming, the impending doom of your romantic affairs with the former Supreme Leader always loomed above your head. With every kiss on your neck or palm spread in the small of your back that Ben had placed, the trail got longer and longer, and as time passed the deadline of the secrecy you two had shared shrunk smaller and smaller. 

It was always coming, you only wished you and Ben had more time together first. 

“Thank you for understanding.” Poe squeezed your palm in his tight, he was warm and gentle despite the sentiment. He let you go after that, and pushed his chair out to stand. 

You did the same quietly, mind playing a low static noise as he walked you out of the tent, his same palm placed in the middle of your back.  _ Stay away from Ben Solo.  _

If only it could be that easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yourtypeof-metal.tumblr.com


	17. Asking For Trouble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The realization of signing the no-contact order involving Ben really hits you, and you decide you kind of don't care anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Friday!!! Guess who is back with another chapter of our beloved big-boy, Ben? So okay, another warning. This chapter does contain some poorly written smut, after incorporating it into the last few chapters I realized I kind of like the challenge of writing smut, and now I just can't be stopped. I know everyone loves sweet boy Ben, but I tried a little something new here, so please let me know what you guys think, good or bad! I had some fun with this one, and I'm super excited to see what everyone thinks of the chapter that follows this one, cause I've got some interesting ideas up my sleeve... As always, thank you all so much for reading and supporting my work, it truly means the world to me that people appreciate this and are so kind as to leave me messages and kudos and all of that. I love each and every one of you guys! Stay safe and have a great weekend, friends! <3
> 
> yourtypeof-metal.tumblr.com

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN 

“Poe Dameron…” 

“I know.” 

“At least he told you the truth.” 

“Maybe.” 

“Even if it wasn’t exactly what you wanted to hear.” 

“I knew it was coming. Ben and I just have to go back to living in the shadows I guess.” 

“You’re still going to be with him?” Kaydel asked, not to be mean but in a way that conveyed a bit of shock from her point of view. “What if they find out? I don’t think you’ll get a second chance.” 

You and Kaydel sat in her tent, eating the night’s meal from the mess hall. It was Yobshrimp noodle salad served with roasted vegetables, normally something you’d be elated about being served since it was only on the menu once every few weeks, but today you mindlessly twirled your fork around the cold pasta in between spaced out bites. Kay sat on her bed, legs folded as she took a sip of the cup of Moof Juice you two were sharing. “All I’m saying is, if you and Ben get caught, you can say goodbye to him  _ and  _ your job.” 

“We won’t get caught,” You assured her from your spot on the floor. “I’m not worried about that, really. Even if I’m stupid, Ben very much is not. I guess I just feel like everyone thinks I’m some traitor now or something.” 

She considered you, lulling her head back and forth. “Can you blame them?” 

“Yes.” You immediately retorted, as if it should have been obvious. But then you thought about it a bit more in depth, attempting to look from the outside in rather than the other way around and found yourself reconsidering. “I mean, maybe. No one knows the actual story, though. Rey is the only one who gets it and I barely know her.” 

Kaydel scoffed as if she was offended, placing a hand on her sternum. “What am I? Diced Bantha liver?” 

You snickered, giving her a look. “Of course not, but just a few days ago you would have thought the same thing as all the rest of them. I’m pretty sure you still can’t stand Ben.” 

“You’d be right.” She took a bite of her meal. “But I know he makes you happy and he’ll keep you safe, plus you’re my best friend so I kind of have to endure.” 

Ugh. You held your head in your palms. What a day. You were still stewing in whatever strange emotion was coursing through you after your meeting with the Generals, specifically the shorter, dark haired one of the two. The more you had time to think about it, the more depressing the words he spoke to you became. Not that there was any right really at  _ all  _ to feel that way because you know, Ben, but even still Poe’s words were the closure you had so desired. Everyone says that closure makes you feel better and blah blah but honestly? You didn’t feel better. You felt...idle. Strangely idle. Like you had been so vexed about one particular thing for so long that it made a home in your chest, and now that it was gone...what now? 

Oh no, no no no that was  _ not  _ true. You had  _ plenty  _ to be vexed about. 

_ Stay away from Ben Solo.  _

Part of you wondered if Finn and Poe knew that you wouldn’t keep your promise. If they were setting you up in some kind of trap, just waiting to catch you with him again and use your signature on that goddamn piece of paper as leverage. You had to sign it though, what other choice was there? Lose your job? Over a guy? Come on. 

But then again, Ben wasn’t just  _ any guy.  _ It felt weird even calling him that word. Not because it wasn’t true, but because it seemed too feeble to describe someone as impenetrable as him. 

You weren’t only up shit creek without a paddle...You were up shit creek without a paddle and the boat was being ripped to shreds by jagged rocks underneath whilst a vast waterfall was rapidly approaching. Oh, and you couldn’t swim. 

_ Shit.  _

“What about you and Rose?” You asked in a rush, hoping to shift the conversation a bit and get out of your head for a moment. 

Her smile would have been impossible to miss. “What do you mean? We’re good.” 

“I bet.” You grinned. “Have you guys...you  _ know, _ ”

Kay belted out a laugh, the both of you erupting into a refreshing fit of something similar to teenager gossip. It reminded you of when you both were in high school, joking about each other’s crushes on the Senior kids. “Damn, don’t hold back!” 

“Well?! Come on, humor me.”

She took another bite, mouth full of noodles as her lips curved into a smile as she chewed, and nodded her head yes. 

“Oh my Gods!” You shouted at her through a smile. “No way, tell me everything.” 

“Absolutely not! If she knew I was even talking to you about this she’d wring my neck.” 

“Don’t pretend you wouldn’t be into that.” 

Kaydel leaned over and down from her spot on the cot to playfully smack your shoulder. “You’re awful.” She shook her head at you. “What about you and Mr. Solo, huh?” 

Oh geez. You opened that door all by yourself. Instantly, your cheeks ran crimson. “Please,” 

“So much for Jedi celibacy.” She teased, long hair pulled back into a ponytail and sashaying behind her head. “I bet he likes to be told what to do, huh? Into that dominatrix shit.” 

Taking the bait, you twirled a piece of long pasta onto your fork and popped it into your mouth. “If so, I haven’t seen that side yet.” You dipped your head to hide your face and take another bite. “He’s...gentle.” 

“So you  _ have  _ had sex?!” Kaydel said a bit louder than necessary, and you shushed her between your grinning teeth. “Gods, my best friend is fucking the once  _ Supreme Leader  _ of the First Order. I don’t know whether to be impressed or scared.” 

“Shut up.” 

“Maybe both…” Kay pushed her empty plate away, tucking her fist under her chin as she stared down at you. “Seriously, this is crazy, you know that right? Like, you understand how demented you are? I mean I appreciate it and I’m glad you’re finally letting your wild girl out, but damn. This could get you exiled.” 

Of course you knew that. But maybe deep, deep,  _ deep,  _ down, that was sort of an appeal of it all. Running the risk of losing your job and your life with the Resistance, all for a man who held your heart in the palm of his giant hand and could easily crush it in a  _ second.  _ But Ben was not just any man. He was so much more than that, and very worthy, in your very biased opinion, of such a price. 

“I know, Kay.” You agreed, brushing a piece of loose hair behind your ear. “You think I’m insane, which isn’t far off, but...I don’t know. He’s…” You tried to find the right words, settling on the first that popped in your head. “Ben’s worth it.” 

Kaydel’s body language shifted, she was more relaxed now as she sat above you. She reached her hands out to you on the floor of her quarters, and you gladly took them as she tugged you up to sit beside her on her cot. Her arms wrapped around your shoulders as she pushed your head to sit in the crook of her neck, and you let her. The both of you sat like that for a little bit until her chest heaved a big breath. “I just don’t want to lose you here. We haven’t been apart since fifth grade, and I want to keep it that way.” 

You hugged her a little tighter. “I’m not going anywhere, okay? We’re going to figure it all out.” Then you glanced down to her plate of food with a single piece of starfruit left on it. “Are you gonna eat that?” 

She chuckled, unhooking her arms from around your shoulders and handing you the almost-empty plate. You took it eagerly, picking up the piece of sweet green fruit and taking a big bite out of the slice. 

-

You didn’t see Ben that night. 

And it sucked. 

It had been less than a full day since you’d been with him, literally hours, but it felt like days. Your only reason for getting up and going to work anymore was knowing that at the end of the day, Ben would come to your quarters to spend time with you. But of course, it was Frannie’s birthday, (a fellow soldier who you’d spoken a handful of words to your entire life) and there was a small party gathered just five tents down from you and it wasn't worth the risk of Ben being seen sneaking into your quarters. Furthermore,  _ you _ being seen on the opposite housing side of camp after your strict no-contact order with any ‘Resistance Rival’, also wasn’t worth it. Plus you’d barely gotten any sleep the night before, so you decided just to call it an early night and get some shut eye. 

At 11:10PM, your data pad vibrated against the side table next to your cot, and you grumbled at the disturbance sleepily. Barely raising your head from the thin pillow you slept on, you hand fumbled around clumsily as it searched for the pad, knocking your watch and whatever else was on the table to the ground. When your fingers came into contact with the vibrations, you automatically pressed the accept call button and slapped it to your face. 

“H-hello?” You asked half asleep, voice croaking and irritated. 

_ “Pretty,” _ Ben’s voice rang through the receiver, sending a warm chill down your spine with that golden baritone he so well spoke. Even through the data pad’s shaky signal, warmth pooled in your stomach at your favorite word he ever spoke to you. 

You were awake  _ immediately.  _ “H-hi,”

_ “How are you?”  _

“I’m okay, I was sleeping.” 

A huff came through, staticy and perfect.  _ “Do you want me to let you go?”  _

“No.” You said maybe too sudden. “Uhm, no it’s fine. How are you? When did you get a data pad?” 

_ “Rey set one up for me this afternoon. I’m fine. I miss you.”  _

Oh  _ Gods.  _ Were you dreaming? You still were half asleep, so that very well could have been likely. To save yourself the worry, you sat up in bed a bit more and bundled the sheets between your fingers, a sensory reminder that you were indeed awake. 

“I miss you too.” You whispered, pulling the blanket up to your neck. “I wish you were here.” 

He chuckled warmly.  _ “I’m just on the other side of the base. I’m right here.”  _

“It’s not the same.” You argued back, ugh, you wanted him here  _ so bad.  _ His big torso pressed up against your back, long legs intertwined with yours under the covers and his sweet breath tickling the back of your neck. You imagined his hands trailing down your side, kneading the skin of your belly and up to your breasts as he kissed up and down your arms. Ben’s cock pressed into the back of your thighs. 

_ “I know, Pretty. We can have lunch tomorrow in the clearing.”  _

“I don’t...want to have lunch.” You spoke quietly, heart thudding in your chest. 

He let out a breath, and you hoped it was in amusal... _ “I’m too far to read your thoughts.”  _ He clarified, and that saccharine baritone was  _ unreal  _ over the receiver.  _ “You’re going to have to tell me what you mean.”  _

Gods above. He knew what he was doing, didn’t he? You pictured that smug look on his face now, teeth peeking out behind pouted lips and he spoke with that soft rasp. 

“I want you to come over.” You shakingly let out, deciding you no longer cared about the party happening outside of your tent walls. “Please.” 

_ “And do what?”  _

Your voice shook. “Anything.” 

Ben waited a moment, seeming to consider your response and leaving you deathly close off the edge of a cliff. Your hand traveled down your warm stomach, stopping above the hem of your underwear and lingered there lightly. What had you  _ become?  _ So submissive and...hungry. Albeit it had been a while since you’d been touched by another being before Ben, but you weren’t often like this. Ben had some sort of witchery, maybe it was something from the Sith side he inherited and just couldn’t rid himself of...Why did the thought of that  _ turn you on so much? _

_ “You want me to come over and do anything I want to you? Is that what you’re telling me?”  _

Heavens...

“Y-yes,” You whispered. “Will you?” 

_ “I don’t know...You’re under strict watch the last I was informed. _ ” Ben scoffed. “ _ If we’re seen, you’re done for.”  _

“I know that. But I kind of decided that I don’t...really care.” You huffed, and your fingers dipped below the hem of your panties agonizingly slow. 

There was a muffled noise on Ben’s end, and then silence. He didn’t speak for a few extra long moments as you ran slow, soft circles around your clit. It wasn’t nearly as good as Ben’s warmth doing the job, but it felt nice with him on the phone. You heard Ben click his tongue.  _ “Tell me what happened with Finn and Poe today.”  _

“Uhm,” You croaked. Dammit, stay focused. “They made me sign a contract saying I-I wouldn’t see you anymore. And Avex was discharged from the Resistance.” 

_ “Ah,” _ He said.  _ “So who is taking his place?”  _

“I don’t know and again, I don’t r-really care.” 

_ “You should care, it’s your job. What are you doing?”  _

“N-nothing.” You lied, fingertips halting as a warm tightness bellowed in your gut. “What are  _ you  _ doing?” 

_ “You need to sleep, you have work in the morning.”  _

He didn’t say it to be rude, that wasn’t at all his tone. It was more caring, authoritative. Ben also wasn’t wrong, you did have work in the morning, quite a bit of it considering Avex’s absence. But that was the absolute  _ last  _ thing on your mind right then. All you could do was clutch the phone in a vice grip, desperate to hold onto anything involving Ben at all. 

Gods, one day without seeing him and  _ this is what you’ve turned into?  _ A puddling mess underneath your bed sheets over his mere  _ voice  _ over a shitty receiving call. And the General’s expected you to stay away from him completely? It was almost a funny thought now…

“I’m n-not tired anymore.” 

_ “Are you touching yourself?”  _

A slight grin pulled the corners of your lips, the risque words he spoke in that warm baritone only fueling this sudden confidence of yours. “Maybe.”

_ “I can hear your explicit thoughts from the mess hall. Stop it.”  _

The mess hall? Was he on his way? Oh Gods, Oh-

_ “Take your hand out of your panites,”  _ Ben said your name in a low growl. “ _ Now.” _

Deciding that you liked his tone, you pushed a little further, heart racing. “What happens if I don’t?” 

He scoffed briefly, the receiver coming in a little more staticy.  _ “I don’t want you to come right now without me there.”  _

“Sorry, you seem to be cutting out. I can’t hear you very well.” You teased, slowing the pace of your fingers down just a touch. “Reception is pretty bad on Ajan Kloss.” 

_ “You’re asking for trouble.”  _

No, you were  _ begging  _ for it. You liked this side of him. You liked hearing him teetering on the edge of anger, teeth clenched through speech as he drew out his words to make sure you heard them correctly. Ben was always so sweet and delicate with you, it made you ache for him to be the exact opposite. 

_ “What was that?”  _ He asked, the sound of crunching leaves coming through the data pad following his voice. 

You didn’t say anything back, focusing on the pleasure you were giving yourself as you listened to his breaths and light footsteps. Your orgasm was crawling down your legs and rounding back up, pooling in your stomach as you shut your eyes. 

And all at once your hand froze against your middle, fingertips still as stone. You tried to move them, but it was like your palm was glued in its current position. Your eyes shot open as you attempted to sit up from the cot before you realized it was not only your hand that was frozen, but your  _ entire body _ , like someone pressed pause on your physical self. You lied there in confusion for a moment, only your eyes able to move as they scanned across your pitch dark quarters. You watched as your tent door zipped open, revealing minimal light from the night sky to flood in for no more than a few seconds, before it was gone and your tent was returned to black.

You knew it was him before he actually said anything, but for a very brief moment you worried that it possibly wasn’t, your frozen state making you feel vulnerable. It was a ridiculous thought, but then a warm, familiar hand rested right above your knee, and if you hadn’t been forced to remain still, you’d have jumped at the sudden contact. The sounds of local wildlife teeming in the forests that surrounded the base were very quiet now, distant chatter from Frannie’s birthday celebration a few tents down making your heart skip a beat. His hand ran up and down your thigh slowly, fingers wound around the curve of your kneecap tight. 

You still couldn’t move, and it was beginning to invoke a bit of a panic. You tried to wiggle your fingers, tried to speak but nothing came out and not a muscle in your body even so much as twitched. Breaths became a bit more rapid as your anxiety started to rise, but Ben shushed you and a gentle huff of air blew past your ear. He learned forward, and although you couldn’t see them, you could feel his eyes burning against your skin. 

“Easy,” He whispered close. “It’s only me.”

Okay, the confirmation was nice but the fact that you still were frozen underneath him was unsettling. It was obvious he was doing this, binding you in the force because you didn’t listen, and it was also obvious that he was enjoying it. It was like you could almost hear the amusement in his hot breath as he kissed along your jaw, the scruff growing across his face prickly and sharp and delightful. You let him kiss down your neck and move the collar of your shirt around so he could trail his lips across the skin underneath it. Not like you had much else of a choice. Your hand was still pressed against the mound of your pussy, fingers stone against your aching clit that was  _ so  _ close to release. Gods, what was happening? 

“Do you think it’s amusing to tease me like that over a data call?” Ben inquired, lips moving against your chin with his words. 

You wanted to say yes, because obviously it was amusing, the idea of  _ you  _ making  _ Ben fucking Solo _ sexually frustrated was so out of this galaxy. Having any sort of power over him was such a turn on. That was, until now. It still was very much a turn on, but it was also clear that you would never hold excess power over Ben unless he allowed it. Which in itself was a nice thought, Ben  _ allowed  _ you to make him feel ways he never had before. He let you do things no one else had ever done and say things he’d likely only heard from thoughts rather than physical conversation. You tried to grab his forearm as it pressed against your ribcage to no avail. 

He scoffed a little, and you could feel the shaking of his head as his long hair brushed against your face. “I told you I didn’t want you to come without me here. You weren’t listening.” 

Gods, his voice was so quiet and low and rumbling from the back of his throat that you probably could have came right then if he’d allowed it. You said it before and you’d say it again; for being celibate, Ben sure knew what he was doing. 

“Just because I was forced to reamine celibate does not mean I’m not educated in the proper way to please a woman,” He corrected, and holy  _ fuck _ you were going to strangle him when you had movement of your libs returned. Ben scoffed once more, this time a bit harder. “You like this? You enjoy me speaking down to you, pinning you beneath me with nothing more than my hold on the force?” 

The hold on your throat was released only merely, and you were able to let out a soft groan in his direction. He smiled against your jaw. “I’m learning new things about you every single day.” Ben said, and then he lifted himself off of you completely, pulling the covers off of your frozen body and setting them to the side. 

To your left, your bedside lantern gently rose to a dim yellow glow, illuminating the tent only enough for Ben to get a good look at you. This was the first time you were able to see him since he entered, and Heavens...His hair was down in his face and jaw clicking back and forth as he stared at the sight in front of him. A black t-shirt clung to his biceps, watch on his right wrist illuminating the time. Your hand was still under your panties, legs spread and sleep shirt bunched up on your stomach to reveal your lower body to him. Ben then made a quiet noise that was so special you wished you could have memorized it to replay over and over at your leisure.

His mouth parted softly as he took his time to look over you beneath him. “ _ My, my.” _

Ben grabbed the back of your thighs and  _ pulled _ you down closer to his body, either of his arms holding your legs against him. “I want to try something,” He spoke quietly, massive hands butterflying against the back of your thighs as he pushed them up toward your chest agonizingly slow. “I’m going to turn this light off again, and I’m going to take away your ability to make noise. But you will have movement of your body, so if you’d like me to stop, you can let me know. Do you understand?” 

Suddenly, your head fell back against the pillow and your body was given permission to move once more. You tried to tell him yes, but nothing came past your lips. You could breath completely fine, but it was as if your jaw was locked in place, throat closed to prevent any noise from escaping. Understanding what Ben had meant, you nodded your head at him. 

“ _ Good.”  _

Then, the tent was returned to its dark state, and you felt Ben’s fingers hook inside the waistband of your underwear, dragging them down your legs and over the curve of your ass. You shut your eyes, trusting that whatever Ben was about to do was going to be for your benefit. He knocked your knees apart, and you felt the cot dip awkwardly as he positioned himself to his liking before you felt his breath against your core and oh  _ Gods _ -

He didn’t give you a moment to catch up. Ben’s tongue started at the base of your pussy, lying flat against the soft skin there and then  _ dragging  _ up all the way to your belly, leaving a hot trail of his saliva behind. Your head was spinning already, his warm palms held you in place on either side of your ribcage as he dove back down, burying his tongue between the delicate folds and sucking the skin there back and forth out of his mouth. 

You silently thanked the Gods that Ben had put a hold on your voice, because you were confident if he hadn’t, you’d have blown your cover immediately. It felt  _ so  _ good. Too good. Your jaw dropped open, eyes rolling into the back of your skull as you gently placed one hand onto his head, massaging his long locks as he worked his fucking  _ magic  _ in between your legs. Sparks and jolts of pleasure shot from his mouth and up into your abdomen, circling inside of your stomach as your body twitched every time his tongue flicked against your clit. You were already so close to your orgasm before that you knew you wouldn’t last long if Ben kept this up. How was he so good at this? How did he know exactly what he was doing and exactly where to place his tongue and how to  _ perfectly  _ circle- 

Your self-monologue was cut short by Ben’s right hand leaving the side of your ribcage, short nails of his fingers drawing lines down your thighs before they rounded your butt, and he disconnected his mouth from your pussy for a flash of two seconds before thrusting two of his long and delicate fingers inside of you. 

Oh, you were about to be done for. 

His fingers curved inside of you as he set his lips back on your middle, and you practically threw your hips back up at him. Your mind was absolutely  _ gone,  _ you hadn’t felt pleasure like this in a long, long time. Maybe ever. Ben had always been an expert in everything, but stars above, the way his tongue was slowly circling your clit and his fingertips pulsing inside of your warm walls it was almost too much for your body to handle, and your brain to comprehend. His left hand was pressed against your ribs tightly, so tight you almost hoped an indent of his palm would be left against your skin in its wake. You could still hear Frannie’s get together a few tents down going on, and the feeling that that realization brewed in your stomach only pushed you closer and closer to your release. 

Ben’s mouth was so warm and soft and spiky from his facial hair and his nose was pressed into the skin above your pussy and- 

He sucked your clit into his mouth, teeth brushing against the sensitive nub for a millisecond, and with one final round of his tongue, you came around his fingers  _ hard.  _

Inside of your head you were crying, pleading for him to never leave you and never stop exactly what he was doing, but all Ben could hear was the erratic and huffed sounds of your breath trying to keep up with your body as it twitched, legs stiff and belly warm. He hummed quietly against your lips as he released your clit, working you through the final moments of your orgasm with a soft tongue and a firm hold on your side. 

It took a few minutes before your body came back to life, and it wasn’t until Ben disconnected his mouth from your middle that you realized how tightly you’d been holding onto his hair. He kissed the inner skin of your thighs that were trembling, left to right as he made his way up to your knees, leaving kisses along the entire length of your legs before undoing them from around his shoulders. 

You were spent. Completely exhausted. Stars above… 

You let out a shaky exhale and could hear your voice slowly creeping back up your throat, Ben releasing you completely from the force. 

“I love you.” You couldn’t think of anything else to say, it was the first thing that came out in a raspy whisper. Although you both had said that you loved one another before, it still felt awkward to say. 

Ben was hanging more than halfway off the cot, his gigantic body not made for these flimsy pieces of crap beds, and he crawled his way back up your body to kiss you for real this time. His lips were swollen and lovely, you could taste yourself on his tongue and it was just perfect, you got lost in him. You reached down as far as you could, attempting to undo his jeans but a gentle hand stopped you. 

“It’s okay.” He whispered. “You’re about to pass out.” 

He wasn’t wrong, you couldn't even keep your eyes open. But you wanted to make him feel good, reciprocate the pleasure he had so generously given you. “I’m f-fine.” 

Ben’s fingers wrapped around your wrist, repositioning your hand to lay against his neck instead. He kissed you again, this time longer and slower, tongue dipping into your mouth with extra care. Your head fell to the side, and he caught your cheek with his freehand before it hit the pillow. “Another time, Pretty. I can’t guarantee I’d be as quiet as you were.” He joked coyly, and his nose nuzzled into the side of your own. 

If you could have frozen time right then and there, forever and ever, you would have. His body was such a welcome weight on top of you, his sweet breath deadly intoxicating as it blew out from his nose and right into yours, Ben’s palm cupping the side of your entire face as he practically lulled you to sleep. You’d never felt like this about anyone else before, and certain that you wouldn’t again, the blooming bouquet in your chest always too big to hide behind your ribs, and right then it practically was cracking your bones in an attempt to escape. 

You hated hiding him. You hated sneaking around, hated that he couldn’t make love to you right then because you both had to keep another a secret. Is this how it would always be? Late night escapades that needed to be practically silent, pretending that neither one of you existed in front of others? 

You’d known what you’d signed up for the moment your lips met his for that first time in the clearing, but that didn’t make the ache of it all hurt any less. You’d never get to hold his hand in public. He’d never be able to hold your waist in a crowd, never tell you he loved you in front of another person besides  _ maybe  _ Rey and Kaydel, and even then it would be like, unbelievably awkward. In a way, you cherished these intimate and quiet moments with one another, memories only the two of you would ever know really happened. Perhaps it was the high from your orgasm mixed with the lack of sleep, but Gods, you were suddenly so angry, so upset that this would be all he and you could ever be for one another. 

Not that there was ever anything wrong with that, because you’d gladly take whatever you were lucky enough to receive from him, but that didn’t mean you weren’t envious of what you’d never be able to have. Ben was right behind your thoughts, hearing every word half a second before you even thought them, because his thumb ran across your cheekbone a few times before he kissed you once more. “Don’t worry about that right now.” 

Your hands spread out against the back of his black shirt, butterflying around his wide shoulder blades. “I can’t.” 

“Go to sleep.” 

“No. I...I want you.” 

“You have me.” He moved off of you then, fitting himself as comfortably as he could between you and the cool wall of your tent. Once he was settled, he pulled the blankets over the two of you and fit your head into the crook of his neck. You let him. 

“You know that isn’t what I mean,” You whispered up at him. 

“I told you, another time.” 

“I wasn’t talking about sex, Ben.” You corrected, smushing yourself as close against every inch of his body as possible. When your feet met his, a smile spread across your cheeks when you realized he was wearing socks. Why that was so  _ cute  _ was unknown, but you circled your feet around them a few times. “I just hate having to hide you.” 

“I know.” He quietly agreed right off the bat. “It's just how things are for now.” 

For now. 

“I want to speak with you about something, tomorrow of course. Once you are done for the day with work, meet me in the clearing. Go to sleep now.” 

If you weren’t halfway asleep, you’d have asked him a million and one questions as to what that meant. But your eyes were closed already, your body melting into his as he held you. Ben would likely have to leave soon to avoid being spotted exiting your tent before the sun rose, so as much as you desperately wanted to know what the topic of the conversation would be for tomorrow, you convinced yourself to just take in the moment and let him cradle you to sleep. It’s not like he would have likely told you anyway. 

You turned into him, pressing your face against his peck and gripping a gentle handful of his shirt in your palm. His socked feet lay still and warm against your own. 

“But-” You started to argue, and Ben wasn’t having it. 

He shushed you, letting his right hand crawl under the back of your shirt and pulled you just a bit closer. Mostly it was to get you to be quiet, but you were too exhausted to really fight right now, and he was so warm and big and everything you needed right then. 

“Go to sleep. I love you.” 

_ Fine, whatever.  _ That wins. Until tomorrow.

You replayed his words in your mind as you drifted to a slumber.  _ I love you. I love you.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;)  
> yourtypeof-metal.tumblr.com


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